I'm a writer (big surprise there). Ever since I was young, I wanted to write books. But as I got older and reality set in, I began to question my abilities. I don't think I can make it as a writer. Meanwhile I fell in love with Japan. I learned the culture, I'm learning the language (but I'm not very good, I'm afraid). But even that passion faded. When the two passions that you have suddenly are gone...it feels like you have nothing left. I hope none of you have to go through that, or if you are, that you find a way out soon. Well, over last week I thought about a specific field to go into. I thought about porn stores. Nice, brightly lit, women friendly, empowering kind of sex shops. And on Saturday, I attended a Passion Party. It's like a tupperware party, but with dildos, lubes, lotions & potions, etc. Then it hit me; I could do that. I talked to the woman who hosted the party, looked at the company's website, basically I would be a sex toy salesman. I could have fun with it too. I'd be bright, cheerful, energetic, I could decide my own hours, work it full or part time. Well I posted the idea to my mom in an e-mail so she could check it all out. Later I called her when she had time to mull over it, asking what she thought.
She said no. Three times. In succession. I had expected her support, having fun with my female relatives, bonding! (I don't bond with my family, I'm kinda the black sheep) She then informed me that I'm really naive of the world (she and my dad agree over that), all college juniors and seniors feel doubt and my sister went through the same (but nobody fucking teaches that), the porn industry is really seedy, sex toys is just something you giggle over with your girlfriends, but that there's nothing wrong with liking porn or getting off on it. I think she completely missed the point of this company since there's really nothing seedy about it.
But because of the way I was brought up, my mind just froze. I couldn't argue with her and I had to hold back tears the entire time. I never cry. But hearing your own mom doubt your abilities to get by in the world, snatching away the only thing that's keeping you from losing your mind and sense of self-worth...that's heart breaking. She apologized since she felt like she crushed me (I was hiding that fact, keeping a smiling, happy voice), and appreciated that we could now talk about this kind of stuff, but when we hung up, I had to crawl into a corner and bawl. It just feels like there is little to nothing left for me.
No I'm not going to kill myself. Nor am I going to cut myself or harm myself in any way. I just write out little pieces of shit to let out my hurt. If I let a piece of myself die on paper, then the rest of me will live. No worse than a reptile shedding its skin...