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°○ What is Wrong With Me ○°
10 years ago
General
I am not really sure where to start with this journal. Maybe I should start with: today I learned what might be wrong, and hopefully how to fix it.
Since Indyfurcon I have been really depressed. The convention was great, I loved it a lot. But upon returning the next day I started back to work 40-55 each week, and as such have not had time to draw since then. My apologies to my commissioners, but I have started doodling last weekend to get back up. My queue is large and it will probably take me until MFF to finish it up.
At work I hire to fill a dining hall with student employees, and the hire process that used to be all paper and I could hire 6 students in one sit down has been dramatically slowed down to hiring one or two at a time. This is awful while we are understaffed. The full time staff that are there are all working overtime and I feel like it is my fault because I cannot hire fast enough. Other students quit and I blame myself, even though it is not my fault.
Work is at least busy enough that time is passing quickly, even this week things are starting to get better as the establishment finally seems to have a basic amount of employees and I am still hiring more. I have finally updated my other accounts with artwork that I have gotten at other cons, something I usually have done right after the convention.
This journal is to address the fact that I have been very depressed off an on since the convention. There have been an instance or two where I go to sleep late, crying and wake up shakey. Drive to work crying, but after talking to my husband things calm down. He calms we down in ways that others cannot. I don't know what I would do without him. These weeks I feel like I am working, coming home, eating, sleeping. I did not want to draw. I did not want to play games. I did not want to see people. I am trying hard to fix it, but it is hard when my mind rebels at seeing others at all, even if I know it is what I need. One day I feel like worthless mud, and the next day I wake up all better and perky but by the time I go to sleep I feel bad again and wonder, what happened?
This is the longest that I have ever been upset and uninspired. So today while working my second job (yeah, two jobs during this crazy mess at the first job haha) I wanted to tackle what the hell is wrong with me. I do NOT like who I have turned in to. I am mean, bitter, jealous, all of these things that I never used to be.
While at Wal-Mart, of all places, I finally figured out what is causing me to lash out at others and hate myself. I realized, as I help the (usually) smiling customers at Wal-Mart with the simple task of getting groceries and chatting about our days... that I am mean to myself. I am, in my mind, always overthinking, analyzing, picking apart. And this past month, I have been tormenting myself. While others are complimenting me I have been putting myself done.
Almost constantly every day I have been telling myself horrible things. That I am a monster. That I am a horrible person. That I cannot hire fast enough. I cannot keep people at work. I cannot work late enough or hard enough. That I am ugly. That my art isn't as good as other artists. I cannot do art well for fast enough. Everyone prefers others to me in all aspects of life. That my beliefs don't match other furries and it makes me a bad person. I tear myself up inside every day.
The horrible thing is that it took me a whole month to realize that my temper and snarky unhappiness is due to myself. I am doing it to myself. And I need to stop. I must stop.
This is not due to anyone else but myself putting myself down. Relentlessly.
I feel like after high school I stopped drawing immensely. I drew only for school during college years. Furries have brought the love of drawing back. But I still tell myself I am awful because I don't draw well enough to get a job IN art. I yell at myself wondering what happened. Why do I feel like I am nobody when I know I'm not. Of course I am somebody and I can be good enough. I am just not looking hard enough. Not trying hard enough. I used to have such passion for animation and animated film and since high school I have animated nothing. Well, 3D stuff in college, but 2D is what I enjoy.
Some beast inside me has wrought pain and self doubt in my mind. It has been eating at me all month. It tells me evil things like why bother. Nobody cares. When I am surrounded by nothing but friends and family that do care. I am being blind and stubborn.
So what I need to do, is first keep hiring enough people to keep my first job at the dining hall staffed. Start working normal hours. And stop putting myself down. That is the main thing I have to stop being a horrible bitch to myself, and then I will stop taking it out on others. I have to find the hope and inspiration again. I have, as a first step, deleted my Twitter. I have been majorly unhappy since getting one and have found it to be just a way to cry for attention and rant and whine when nobody notices you. It did not help my mindset.
I do not want to keep hurting myself and my friends. I need to find what it was about animation that I loved and nurture it again, and I am behind. I will be taking much less commissions so that I can focus on character work, storyboarding, animating again. Furry art cannot make a portfolio for a job on its own. I need the money that commissions bring, but at the same time I need a portfolio to get a better job. If you want a commission I will be selling at Midwest Furfest and probably Fur Squared, but after that I cannot guarantee any more.
I have a thirst to move forward, and moping in Ohio and being depressed will fix nothing. Wish me luck. You are all amazing.
:
When it comes to your art I just want to say that, well, first with the ref sheet you drew me your work made me fantastically happy and have helped me on my way to getting more art of my character, something I've always wanted since joining the fandom seven years ago. Secondly with the badges you did for my friends - I can't describe the looks of joy they had when they saw the badges you drew, and it made me happy to see them happy. Those works are amazing and I keep seeing you getting better and better. Just thought it might help to hear that.
I hope things start going better for you soon.
And wow, more thanks again for reminding me that the art I draw really does make a difference through the fandom. A few days of creating some works turn into long used pieces of art whether it is badges or a reference sheet.
Also feel free to note me on here or add me on skype if you'd like to chat. My skype username is novablackfox
I don't mean to sound like a nag, but its something you need to hear. You've asked me at IFC how I was able to work all that overtime during Sigma Chi and still put out those pieces. It's because I've trained myself to be able to draw at a moments notice for years.
Art as a career is not easy. It is hard work. You have to live and breathe art, every day, as often as you can. Especially if you want a career in animation, where you will be expected to work crazier hours than you work now as a movie's deadline approaches. And if you come to the decision that FURRY art is a path you wish to prlursue instead, that path is equally hard. I've been trying to work at it for five years now, and still come home from half my conventions either having just broken even or not at all. It's hard, but you have to push through.
Your art is cute, but theres so much more hiding in your pencils and markers that you have yet to discover. Drawing daily will help begin to reveal them, and years of doing that will bring them out more, but the road is long and hard.
Thank you for the awesome advice, I feel like there is more to art that I really can find now that I am using different style techniques and exploring some shading (finally).
Working Dining sucks ass. It does, but you should take a step back and look at your life before you immediately say "It sucks". You get the freedom to go on six to eight mini vacations a year, at least, with your husband and friends who care very much for you and can make money at said conventions. How many of your coworkers can say they have such an adventurous life?
That, and/or Katalist might be going back to school for computer science. I feel like, if I don't get any jobs or internships over the next year one of us should probably go back to school. I can sell online and at conventions near whichever school he chooses. I am NOT putting all of my eggs in the basket for SIGGRAPH. I know it has to be amazingly hard to get a job there, as it might not even be the best place to find a job. But I plan to go and at the very least have a great trip and get a kick in the butt for inspiration. Who knows, maybe I will find a school there (or Jake).
I love working Dining actually. I love this job to death, and the trips are amazing and I know not everyone cant take that many 'vacations' a year. But I know there is a cap off for what I can make there for what I do, and I know that the same type of job can potentially pay more elsewhere. Office jobs usually do, and well, dining is dining when it comes to pay, lol. I could even move up through Chartwell's perhaps, because the company is freaking huge. I could even work as a recruiter for an animation or art company. I am still kicking myself on missing the application deadline for recruiting for LAIKA. I hadn't thought of the possibility of doing this job for an art company before I saw that.
I haven't been this down before or for this long. It is really strange and must just come with getting older perhaps and learning the balances of life.
Thank you! Things will get better.
This makes me feel great! I just have to keep looking.
And working and drawing.
You and Patrick are a big inspiration for me. We have to keep it up!
We're you quoting a thing? Lol.
Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing :D
Thanks for advice on offering work for free. I did not think of that before. I've heard of looking into indie games also. Didn't think of drawing in public before either. I get so used to being surrounded by art and other artists that I forget that it is a unique talent. That not everyone can do it. With my surroundings in the furry community it almost feels 'common' or 'anyone could do it' even though that isn't the case.
Thanks for believing in me! You are a great friend.
It's good you're willing to take a step back and look at yourself and see what needs to become priority. I talk about my dream job all the time with Fen, and it really is important to have back-up. I want to try out for Archie Sonic Comics because of my love for the silly blue hedgehog. Most of my favorite fan artists work for the company now doing either writing, pencils, inks, or colors. They got there because they worked hard. You CAN make a career out of furry art, but you must also think about having something on the side for the slow period. You have so much potential. Run with it!
Getting a job in an art field is extremely difficult. Our degrees are different, but our goal is the same. I try to at least sketch something before and after work in that "short" period of time that I have. An employer isn't going to be fond of the "I'm too tired" excuse. Just ask Fen, he and I fight about this all the time, lol. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be pushing myself as much as I do now. Try doing quick sketches everyday before you go to bed or when you get home and settled for the night. Flex your drawing muscles. Don't think, just draw. Soon it'll become habit and you won't feel as uninspired. If work got you down that day, do a vent drawing. Pour yourself into every drawing you do. Maybe spend a little extra time, if you have it, adding some new techniques to your drawings. Try new shading methods or a completely different style. Get out of your comfort zone. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the idea, lol.
Speaking of work, you cannot blame yourself for students acting on their own accord or the overworked employees. It's a rough streak right now. Heck, I had to take my break at 7:30pm yesterday because nobody was around to help me out (I usually take it around 6:30pm, right after the dinner rush). I just kept trudging because it's all I could do until a manager stopped by and asked how I was doing (a little lightheaded from not eating, but hey, I survived!). Everyone is stressed and you should never put the blame on yourself for that. You are doing the best you can, and it's the students who are quitting that is making everything difficult (as understaffed as we are, it's probably making them feel overwhelmed and don't want to come to work). Keep it up, you've done nothing wrong and you can't let this get you down.
Or any of this, really. You have family and friends who care so much about you, me included. Whenever you're feeling down, don't be afraid to reach out to someone, because that's what we're here for. You're not alone.
Smile. Everything will be okay.
Lots of great notes and ideas. I'm feeling a lot better today.
Thanks friend.
I know you've been going through some stuff too
Hopefully you're also pulling through!