Hey guys!

In regards to my return to the website, I thought I would clear some things up!

I left because I pushed everyone away and they... didn't know how to handle it. Sure, it made things worse, but that is absolutely not their fault.

I thought I was dying from a heart disease that I was being tested for. I was going to doctor after doctor, after doctor.
I had had all of the symptoms of a heart attack multiple times, but had never actually had one. It was a huge fucking mystery and /I/ didn't know how to handle it. I pushed everyone away, thinking it would be better if they stopped knowing me now. I snapped, I freaked out, I acted like a complete lunatic in some cases. At least, I think I did... I'll be perfectly honest, I don't even /remember/. I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my gut that says that, last year, I was a complete and utter twat to everyone I knew.

I was the one driving myself insane. Between the stress I was putting myself under here, the stress I was putting myself under trying to start a business, the idea that I might die soon, and trying to handle everyone else's problems while pretending I didn't have my own... I lost it.

Just. Boom. Flat out fucking balls to the wall nutso lost it.

I don't even believe in suicide being an answer, but boy-oh-boy... I didn't care at that point. I just wanted it all to stop. End. Right there.

Funny part of this story?

I couldn't do it.

A couple of weeks after my failed attempt, I found out that those symptoms I was having was all untreated Psoriatic Arthritis.
ARTHRITIS is all I was suffering from. Those heart attacks I never had? Because of it.

Oh man, I felt so much shame and just... My whole world stopped. I had a new problem.

How in the hell was I going to make up for all of the shit I had just put everyone else through?

I knew one of my friends never wanted to hear from anyone who had ever done her wrong because of the stress it put on her. So I avoided her. Like I thought she wanted me to.

I knew one of my friends had felt the bulk of what had happened was her fault... but... how do I fucking tell her that it wasn't?

Finally, I got the balls to look. Just look at my messages, and there they were...

Messages. From friends, strangers... hell, even my ex-fiance was so concerned. She dropped everything to give me a life line.

/Me/. Of all people. They forgave me. All of them wanted to see me back.

That's the best feeling in the world. I'm man enough to admit that I wept like a fucking baby for hours.
Slowly but surely, I messaged a few people back... Made a new friend while I was at it.

Most importantly though, I made up with the friend who blamed herself. Truth be told, Eden didn't do any of it.

It was all me. But she cared enough to think that way, and still contact me anyways.

So, here's to good friends, new and old, who lift you up from the pit, no matter what that pit may be.

Thank you.

All of you.

Thank you so much.

I'm here. Thanks to you.

-Matt