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10 years ago
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http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5868382/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5868382/
So, another MFM has come and gone. And once again I am at home, trying to keep from crying because there are so many people that I only see for those 4 days every year.
But, as always, even though I had an awesome time as I always do, I am still left worrying and wondering. Lingering doubts and troubles enter my mind.
I know that jealousy is an inherently human emotion, but the jealousy is always followed by self loathing and disappointment that I feel that way. I have no real reason to be jealous, and yet I am. And it makes me upset that I feel that way, but I cannot stop, its like telling someone to stop breathing, its just ingrained in your being.
But its a weird dichotomy. On one hand, I felt some jealousy over the weekend, but at the same time I also worried that I was being too clingy and too much of a pest, and the two feelings were constantly warring with each other.
There was one particular group of people that I hung out with the entire weekend. And while that larger group sometimes broke off into smaller groups, as a general rule, this large group was pretty much together the entire con, which was great. I love every single one of them, and I miss every single one of them as well.
But I feel like I am just tagging along, like I am just trying to be with the "cool kids" or something. I know that a lot of it stems from my lack of self confidence and nervous nature, and there is a part of my brain that tries to tell me "Aww, you are just imagining things". But I can never shake that feeling that people are just tolerating me or just being nice to me to not hurt my feelings.
I almost wish people would have told me if I was doing something wrong, if I was being too loud, or if I was being too clingy or whatever. It'd be tough because of my self consciousness, but it would make me a better person in the long run, which would actually improve self confidence.
I dunno.. *sigh* I'm just rambling, and maybe its just the post con depression talking, but even not at cons I feel this way, that I am on the outside looking in, and that people for some reason are nice enough to let me hang out, but that I will never really be a part of whatever group I am with.
But, as always, even though I had an awesome time as I always do, I am still left worrying and wondering. Lingering doubts and troubles enter my mind.
I know that jealousy is an inherently human emotion, but the jealousy is always followed by self loathing and disappointment that I feel that way. I have no real reason to be jealous, and yet I am. And it makes me upset that I feel that way, but I cannot stop, its like telling someone to stop breathing, its just ingrained in your being.
But its a weird dichotomy. On one hand, I felt some jealousy over the weekend, but at the same time I also worried that I was being too clingy and too much of a pest, and the two feelings were constantly warring with each other.
There was one particular group of people that I hung out with the entire weekend. And while that larger group sometimes broke off into smaller groups, as a general rule, this large group was pretty much together the entire con, which was great. I love every single one of them, and I miss every single one of them as well.
But I feel like I am just tagging along, like I am just trying to be with the "cool kids" or something. I know that a lot of it stems from my lack of self confidence and nervous nature, and there is a part of my brain that tries to tell me "Aww, you are just imagining things". But I can never shake that feeling that people are just tolerating me or just being nice to me to not hurt my feelings.
I almost wish people would have told me if I was doing something wrong, if I was being too loud, or if I was being too clingy or whatever. It'd be tough because of my self consciousness, but it would make me a better person in the long run, which would actually improve self confidence.
I dunno.. *sigh* I'm just rambling, and maybe its just the post con depression talking, but even not at cons I feel this way, that I am on the outside looking in, and that people for some reason are nice enough to let me hang out, but that I will never really be a part of whatever group I am with.
I also felt a bit of jealousy with a certain someone whom I thought was getting too much time versus the rest of us, but being a quiet, semi-independent cub, i couldn't voice those thoughts.
And I say, it would not be the same con without any of you there, you included!
I will try and recreate it. Although this is probably the condensed version.
I was always glad to see you, even if I had to trip over you at the restaurant on Friday night to get out of the place.. I really didn't see you around that much, so I figure you had a lot going on. I remember, you were pretty busy on staff at the con, too..
The dynamics of a large group can be very fluid. If you're not paying attention, you can get a little lost. I've seen the topic of conversation jump and change so quickly, that it's easier to let that all important tidbit you wanted to voice, drop. It's not necessary to be the center of attention, just participate.. Sometimes it's best to sit back, listen, and then drop that zinger that gets everyone laughing..
I did not hang out with any one group the entire con. I found myself spending time with different friends or group of friends at various times. It kept things fresh for the entire weekend. I did find some friends who did not seem as "friendly" as they were last time I saw them, and others "friendlier". Again, it's the fluid dynamics of friends..
As for PCD, yeah. It hit me about the time I got onto US 78 heading towards Birmingham. Except it was a double whammy. "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran came on the radio.. I reminded me that I was returning to my ordinary life, but it also reminded me of the days after I lost Donna.. That was one hella long drive home on Monday..
Always remember you have a friend here, and I always look forward to visiting with you and Timber.
I admit, I can relate to a lot of that, though I can't say I feel that all the time since I don't get the opportunity to go out and hang with groups of friends like that often enough. But on occasions where I did, I did some times feel the same way and often wondered if people only tolerate me to not hurt my feelings as well. Heck, I even some times got it when ever I was hanging out with you and Timby.
Maybe you're just suffering from the "Post Con Blues" of what ever it's called.
And I never knew you had a lack of self confidence or a nervous nature, considering when I've met you it was never apparent to me... maybe because I was too busy focused on my own confidence issues and nervousness to notice.
Still, I hope you feel better soon. You may think others find you annoying, but I can tell you with out a doubt that I don't.
I doubt anyone would just tolerate you. You're wonderful and I'd be surprised if anyone didn't ADORE you. You're a great person and fun to be around. ;)
I love both you and Paul, and don't feel like you're the odd one out. You're awesome. :)