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dad's in the hospital
10 years ago
So back on the 13th, a storm knocked my power out in the middle of a stream session. While waiting for things to come back on, I got a text from one of my cousins that my dad's in the hospital with a high fever and intense stomach pains.
I gave my stepmom a call who was in the hospital with him and passed the phone to him. His tone of voice felt strained and was short of breath, but he seemed glad I gave him a call to see how he's doing. He had already gotten a colonoscopy and the doctors felt he was alright, but kept him to keep an eye on him to see in case anything happens
The next day I was told he's been using an oxygen tank and that his kidneys were likely failing again (as he got a transplant around 15 years ago or so). I couldn't even see him since I'm stuck all the way in the Keys with no car (and as it so happens, mom's car is under repairs) and he's all the way up in Cape Coral.
Then earlier today I got a call from dad, his voice still strained with a mixture of fear and sadness in his tone. Telling me he's about to be operated on as his intestines turned out to be punctured/torn after he was finally allowed to eat. He told me in the event anything happens to him, he told me that he loves me. Despite my grudges with him over the past few years with him, I felt this might be my only chance to tell him the same thing in return. He sounded happy to hear that as I hadn't said it for years.
As much as I grew to hate my father in the latter half of my life, I don't want to later on regret not saying it before it's too late.
I'm almost anticipating a call from my stepmom or cousins either later tonight or tomorrow about the news in case the operation doesn't go well, I'm mentally prepared just in case. I prefer to keep my hopes low as opposed to high and then be crushed with disappointment.
I just kinda wish after the divorce, dad didn't have to move far away from us so I'd see him more often, I probably wouldn't have resented him for the absence and feeling abandoned since my preteen years leaving me here in this remote retirement island town.
...I probably should be crying, but I'm still emotionally numb. Maybe when it finally happens it'll sink in and I'll be offline for a bit to grieve.
I gave my stepmom a call who was in the hospital with him and passed the phone to him. His tone of voice felt strained and was short of breath, but he seemed glad I gave him a call to see how he's doing. He had already gotten a colonoscopy and the doctors felt he was alright, but kept him to keep an eye on him to see in case anything happens
The next day I was told he's been using an oxygen tank and that his kidneys were likely failing again (as he got a transplant around 15 years ago or so). I couldn't even see him since I'm stuck all the way in the Keys with no car (and as it so happens, mom's car is under repairs) and he's all the way up in Cape Coral.
Then earlier today I got a call from dad, his voice still strained with a mixture of fear and sadness in his tone. Telling me he's about to be operated on as his intestines turned out to be punctured/torn after he was finally allowed to eat. He told me in the event anything happens to him, he told me that he loves me. Despite my grudges with him over the past few years with him, I felt this might be my only chance to tell him the same thing in return. He sounded happy to hear that as I hadn't said it for years.
As much as I grew to hate my father in the latter half of my life, I don't want to later on regret not saying it before it's too late.
I'm almost anticipating a call from my stepmom or cousins either later tonight or tomorrow about the news in case the operation doesn't go well, I'm mentally prepared just in case. I prefer to keep my hopes low as opposed to high and then be crushed with disappointment.
I just kinda wish after the divorce, dad didn't have to move far away from us so I'd see him more often, I probably wouldn't have resented him for the absence and feeling abandoned since my preteen years leaving me here in this remote retirement island town.
...I probably should be crying, but I'm still emotionally numb. Maybe when it finally happens it'll sink in and I'll be offline for a bit to grieve.
1) Don't be so hard on yourself if you feel numb right now. You have had your demons to struggle with, and you still do, they don't just get defeated and go away, they're always there. Some days they're a lot more quiet than others, but at a time like this, you might not even be able to hear yourself think.
2) Don't be your own worst enemy here, even if you're numb, try to find love. Love for you, love for him. It doesn't excuse where things had gone, but nothing can change that now, and if it weren't for those decisive things, you and those around you may not have developed into the people they are today.
3) Avoid expectations, don't try to focus to hard on what could happen, but take it one step at a time, one stimulus at a moment. Not to prolong the experience, but to process through it better, no matter the outcome, it's what you do with the hand you're dealt that matters so much more than the hand you could be dealt later.
4) Please ask for help or support? Moments like this can put a person in a dark place. If you ever need someone to talk to, please reach out to whomever you trust. My door is always open, but I know we are only so familiar, from the times I had visited your streams.
Please hang in there. If there's anything I can do for you, please ask?
Least you can take comfort in that if he does pass, the last thing you two have said to each other was that you love each other. It might even give him the strength to survive.
and yeah, I figured it was best to at least say that to him in case I don't have a chance to ever again so I don't end up regretting it later on if the worst happens, regardless of my anger towards him the past few years.
maybe I'm a pessimist, but I feel it's better to assume the worst to mentally prepare myself and later be relieved if he pulls through, than to blindly hope and assume he'll be alright then risk the crushing disappointment if he doesn't.
I'll still cross my fingers and hope for the best for you and yours though. I'm kinda going through something similar with my maternal grandmother at the moment, so that numbness, I know how you feel.
Same feeling with any family member you rarely or never see or even talk to, then suddenly hear the news they passed on... how would anyone feel if an emotional attachment wasn't made?
or maybe I won't since I've already cried enough the past few years over other various things that went wrong in my life. I'll have to wait and see.
Truly saddened to hear this yet really happy you could talk it over even after so long. Just stay by his side and God forbid but if he does come to pass be strong in knowing you were there for him and at least pray for him too even if its just once.
Please be well Lance I pray for you both.
Stay on the race strong
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13961951/
Stay Strong :)
stay strong my freind. if you vanish for a while to clear your head, its fine. i am sure many peoples thoughts here will be with you.