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[Text Wall] Dealing with an emotionally abusive father.
10 years ago
General
Short summary: my father has a host of mental illnesses: anger issues, bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc. He's a complete narcissist and sociopath, and you wouldn't know it if he talked to you as he's very good at emotionally manipulating others. In 2012-2013, while I was getting ready to graduate and get married, he left my mom for a woman he met at the bar, and after I got engaged, he called to cuss me out for not telling him about my engagement. He could have called me anytime before this, but his was the one and only time he ever called me. To cuss out his daughter. No "congratulations" or "cool". Just F*** You. He got a pro-bono lawyer and demanded money and custody of my youngest brother (who was 17.5 years old at the time). The divorce court date came. He walked away with $500 in alimony from my mom each month, and my brothers and I walked away with the memory of his face scowling at us through the glass doors to the courtroom. He threw his own children under the bus, lied to the judge, and verbally spat on us to get my mom's money. He said he had lost all respect for my family. That was the hardest day of my life.
Sometime that summer, I was at a local art studio and gave the studio manager my business card. The next morning I got a strange text message from him, to which I replied "who is this?" just before realizing who it was. I foolishly agreed to get coffee with him "sometime" (I was at work at a very stressful job when he texted me so I didn't think before replying). The next day I blocked his number. I was getting ready to get married and didn't want such a fresh wound to rip open again (looking back, this was a very good choice). Two months later I get an email on my business account saying something along the lines of "you never got back to me, you'll probably never talk to me again so goodbye, we'll wait and see what God has planned for us, etc." He wasn't sincere. I wasn't going to give him the response he wanted.
Three months ago I ran into some of his friends who said they hadn't seen him in well over a year. I told them a little about what was going on, that I was starting a business and working at the local coffee shop, that I wasn't ready for a relationship with my father, and to tell him "hi" and nothing else if they ever saw him again.
That was a mistake.
After I got home from Portland, I found a letter taped to my door. It said "Briana - (street address)". He didn't include my last name either out of spite or out of lack of knowledge (both possibilities are sad). The letter, which was printed, said something along the lines of "someone I know told me you said hi and I am returning the courtesy. My number hasn't changed." and he scribbled a line which I knew was his scribble but it isn't the way he normally signs his name. I'm thinking it was nervousness, or to keep me guessing (still, both options are sad). There was no notion of fatherly love in any of his communications. No "I love you", just passive-aggressive bull. Typical him.
The scary part was that he knew my street address, which I had not given him or told anyone he knows to give it to him.
The scarier part was that he must have known that we were on vacation and delivered his letter while we were away.
The creepy part is that he came to my house and taped it to my door. Without a return address. I don't know what message he was trying to send.
Who the FRICK tapes a letter to his daughter's door? He did the same thing a few years ago with a Christmas card in a snowstorm. It's passive-aggressive and it makes me angry.
"you're ignoring him, that's why he's acting this way" - yes. I'm ignoring him because he's a sociopath and has done nothing for me that wouldn't have benefited him in some way, even down to buying crap with social security checks that were supposed to be used to care for my brothers and I. I just never knew it growing up because I thought all men were like that. He does not try to contact my two brothers or my mom, only me, because he knows I'm the most emotionally fragile.
I feel like I can't trust anyone, I avoid Facebook because I'm afraid someone will tell him what I'm doing, I'm afraid to go to the community college because he takes classes there, afraid to get involved with the local art scene because he knows so many people in the community, afraid to talk to him at all because of his sociopathy. I just want him to go away, stop stealing my mom's money and let my family rebuild.
Sometime that summer, I was at a local art studio and gave the studio manager my business card. The next morning I got a strange text message from him, to which I replied "who is this?" just before realizing who it was. I foolishly agreed to get coffee with him "sometime" (I was at work at a very stressful job when he texted me so I didn't think before replying). The next day I blocked his number. I was getting ready to get married and didn't want such a fresh wound to rip open again (looking back, this was a very good choice). Two months later I get an email on my business account saying something along the lines of "you never got back to me, you'll probably never talk to me again so goodbye, we'll wait and see what God has planned for us, etc." He wasn't sincere. I wasn't going to give him the response he wanted.
Three months ago I ran into some of his friends who said they hadn't seen him in well over a year. I told them a little about what was going on, that I was starting a business and working at the local coffee shop, that I wasn't ready for a relationship with my father, and to tell him "hi" and nothing else if they ever saw him again.
That was a mistake.
After I got home from Portland, I found a letter taped to my door. It said "Briana - (street address)". He didn't include my last name either out of spite or out of lack of knowledge (both possibilities are sad). The letter, which was printed, said something along the lines of "someone I know told me you said hi and I am returning the courtesy. My number hasn't changed." and he scribbled a line which I knew was his scribble but it isn't the way he normally signs his name. I'm thinking it was nervousness, or to keep me guessing (still, both options are sad). There was no notion of fatherly love in any of his communications. No "I love you", just passive-aggressive bull. Typical him.
The scary part was that he knew my street address, which I had not given him or told anyone he knows to give it to him.
The scarier part was that he must have known that we were on vacation and delivered his letter while we were away.
The creepy part is that he came to my house and taped it to my door. Without a return address. I don't know what message he was trying to send.
Who the FRICK tapes a letter to his daughter's door? He did the same thing a few years ago with a Christmas card in a snowstorm. It's passive-aggressive and it makes me angry.
"you're ignoring him, that's why he's acting this way" - yes. I'm ignoring him because he's a sociopath and has done nothing for me that wouldn't have benefited him in some way, even down to buying crap with social security checks that were supposed to be used to care for my brothers and I. I just never knew it growing up because I thought all men were like that. He does not try to contact my two brothers or my mom, only me, because he knows I'm the most emotionally fragile.
I feel like I can't trust anyone, I avoid Facebook because I'm afraid someone will tell him what I'm doing, I'm afraid to go to the community college because he takes classes there, afraid to get involved with the local art scene because he knows so many people in the community, afraid to talk to him at all because of his sociopathy. I just want him to go away, stop stealing my mom's money and let my family rebuild.
-offers a friendly snake hug-
But do what you can to let things pass! I know it's hard. You can't just "forget about it", because it will always be there in the back of your mind. But don't let it eat you up. Because secretly, that's probably what he wants. What he's expecting. And if anything, he should not get the satisfaction of knowing that he's bothered you. And you should be free to live your life unbothered. So do your best to push it from your mind and trudge on.
Do not give him the time of day. Do not let him bother you (or if his actions do, don't let him know.. show it in the privacy of your own home or on secret accounts he won't find you on). Go on with your life the best you can. And honestly, if you do have the misfortune to actually run into him locally, I would tell him exactly how you feel. That you're tired of the passive-aggressive notes, that you want to forget the past (him included) and look to the future you are building with your husband and the rest of your family that has not wronged you. That you are not ready to rebuild with him and may never be, but that if you find yourself in that position that you will contact him; but that he should discontinue any contact with you until that time comes. Be open and blunt with him and if anything negative comes of it, seek out a restraining order if you have to. Though of course I hope it never comes to that (I've been in that position, too).
But I am so, so sorry for you. It's a terrible place to be... to have that fear nagging at you. Taking a break from social media can certainly help (I avoided FB for YEARS because of my situation), though if it's a necessity for work I would keep it and just block him if he tries to make contact. That's the good thing about the internet.. you can do a lot of blocking and reporting of individuals to make sure they don't bother you through that medium again.
But honestly, who cares if he knows what's going on. It's YOUR life and you are free to live it any way you choose. As long as he isn't harassing you through the sites, let him know. Let him see that you are happy and thriving without him. That you have moved on and are not bothered by his absence from your life. That you are your own being and are strong without him.
And I wish you the best of luck in the situation. And if you ever need anyone to talk to about things, I'm always here. C: <3 Stay strong!
It's really tempting to pour all my heart onto social media so someone he knows will see it but you're right, he can't see my weaknesses and he can't be the thing standing in the way of what I want to do with MY life. He's been controlling me emotionally for my whole life without me realizing, and I need to be free of that for good. I have him blocked wherever I can find him and I will make it extremely clear that I want no contact with him.
Thank you again, so much.
Hugs and loves are being sent your way, to you and your family.
Hang in there~
I can at the very least offer prayers for y'all.
Be good.
That sounds extremely similar to my experience- a scary resemblance, actually. My dad was never hyper-religious like yours, but he would play the part when it was to his advantage (such as when writing to me or to gain sympathy from his friends).
I NEVER would have guessed I had C-PTSD, but after reading through your links, I have a LOT of the symptoms listed. Definitely something I would like to learn more about and possibly get some kind of therapy for. I don't really know where to start.
Thank you so much. It makes me feel so much better to know others have gone through similar situations and that I'm not crazy and that there's an explanation for some of my psychological irrationalities. *returns the tight hug* ;v;