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[Caution: Grim Topic] How does everyone do it?
10 years ago
I dunno if it's because I'm autistic or what, but... I dunno how everyone does it... I hear so many that it is the first step in a rich meaningful life, but for some reason, I have trouble letting go. Deep within my heart, in the dark corners of my mind, thoughts of it again and again weave their way into my train of thought, darkening my days and leading to sleepless nights as it fills my mind with dread.
I speak of Death... more specifically, Acceptance of Death. I think I have Thanatophobia, and I have had it since my early 20s. And I have no idea why.
There are nights when I think about my future, and from there, my mind slips to thoughts of my eventual demise. And from there, my heart quickly grows heavy with sorrow, pain and dread... and from there, I can only sleep by reminding myself for a prolonged period that I have only lived a quarter of my expected lifespan, or by slipping into my little space and filling my mind with infantile bliss. But these is only avoiding the problem. And so I write this in an attempt to face it, but with Skype down, I need help.
I think I fear death because... I enjoy life. I enjoy learning and experiencing new things, and I never want it to end. As hard as times can be, I dread the thought that all the wonderful things in my life will end... *wipes away the tears* that I'll become nothing more then a worthless pile of meat... that I will ease to learn and experience. I think that's partly why the idea of Age Regression appeals to me... the idea that I can become younger to extend my life. It's not just that, I also enjoy the bliss of freedom from responsibility and anxiety that comes with being a baby, but this fear of death certainly explains my revulsion of Age Progression.
How was it that you came to accept your eventual death? Or at least enough so that no such feelings of dread fill your heart when the idea of death crosses your mind? I consider myself a smart and reasonable person who is open to ideas... lemme hear yours.
I speak of Death... more specifically, Acceptance of Death. I think I have Thanatophobia, and I have had it since my early 20s. And I have no idea why.
There are nights when I think about my future, and from there, my mind slips to thoughts of my eventual demise. And from there, my heart quickly grows heavy with sorrow, pain and dread... and from there, I can only sleep by reminding myself for a prolonged period that I have only lived a quarter of my expected lifespan, or by slipping into my little space and filling my mind with infantile bliss. But these is only avoiding the problem. And so I write this in an attempt to face it, but with Skype down, I need help.
I think I fear death because... I enjoy life. I enjoy learning and experiencing new things, and I never want it to end. As hard as times can be, I dread the thought that all the wonderful things in my life will end... *wipes away the tears* that I'll become nothing more then a worthless pile of meat... that I will ease to learn and experience. I think that's partly why the idea of Age Regression appeals to me... the idea that I can become younger to extend my life. It's not just that, I also enjoy the bliss of freedom from responsibility and anxiety that comes with being a baby, but this fear of death certainly explains my revulsion of Age Progression.
How was it that you came to accept your eventual death? Or at least enough so that no such feelings of dread fill your heart when the idea of death crosses your mind? I consider myself a smart and reasonable person who is open to ideas... lemme hear yours.
Best you can do is just try to distract yourself with lots of hobbies/activities and real life stuff (work, school etc).
I know fearing death is rational to a certain extent, but I'm pretty sure the degree to which I dreaded it wasn't, not when I'm so young. I think part of my issue was that... I grew up seeing lots of death. Lots of old people dying. Lots of funerals. I was quite young when I went to my first funeral... I think I was like 3-5... and I think I saw a good dozen funerals by the time I turned 21. Even my dad admitted to me that I've been to a lot more funerals then someone my age normally would.
However I have seen plenty of people "die" on TV and in shows, movies etc.
Also, I never count TV deaths... otherwise I'd have seen 100s, maybe even 1000s.
Other than that, I've never seen death IRL, unless killing a rat or bug counts?
Edit: Oh and no problem, nice to meet another person kinda like me.
Thankfully, since writing this, I've had less of a problem with it... writing down my feelings really helped me. It's hard to be a good person when you're depressed and sleep deprived after all.