This is going to come across as whiny or vent-y, probably.
It will also be a bit rambling and somewhat incoherent.
So you've been warned, I guess.

I need to get it out, though.

Lately I've been struggling pretty hard to crawl back out of a rut. It's kind of a familiar routine. I've been through it before. Somehow, though, it doesn't seem like it ever gets any easier.

I can move along at a pretty brisk pace with art or writing once in a while. Get in a nice 'zone'...I like when that happens.
Sooner or later, though (usually sooner) it just...stops. I hit a wall. Every time.

It's not like an art block, or anything.
It's more like... This weird cycle of anxiety and doubt and fear. And frustration.

I'll get hung up on something about a piece I'm working on and get stuck. It's not bad enough that it brings me pretty much to a halt on one thing, either. It pretty much makes any remaining shred of creativity I have shrivel up. If I try to work on something else to mix things up, to break from the routine or jump-start my muse, I just...can't.

Most recently this happened when I became frustrated over my (lack of) speed.
I'm a slow-ass artist...and I hate it. It drives me crazy. I have so much I'd like to do, but I'm so damn slow and it takes me so long to get going on things... So it's left me upset. And frustrated. And self-conscious...

....Which makes it harder for me to draw. Which makes me more upset, more frustrated, more self-conscious...
Which makes it harder to draw...

And it's a vicious cycle that
keeps
on
turning.

Like I said, this thing is mostly behind me right now. But it's happened before and I know it will happen again, and I'm just sick of it...
More than that, I feel like a total douchebag going through this sort of thing when I've got people relying on me to get commissions done...

The few customers I've had have been sweet and understanding enough to put up with the delays through this latest round of...whatever-it-is. And I really appreciate that. But it's so damned unfair to them... and it speaks really poorly of me as an artist. Sometimes I think I should stop with commissions altogether (once I'm through my queue, of course).

Anyway. That's enough wallowing in self-pity for now.
I've just been meaning to get some of these feels off my chest, lately.

I do wonder if anyone else goes through this sort of thing with any regularity...and it anyone has anything they'd want to share with me? In public or private; advice or just commiseration or...whatever else. I'd be curious to hear it.

Anyhow...
Onward.

Commissions
- Reference Sheet

Trades


Personal
EndBringer chapter art
EndBringer chapters
EndBringer character sheets
So many other ideas