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This is tough, but I'm back.
10 years ago
General
Hello...I'm not quite too sure how to begin with explaining my disappearance from this place.., but I ask that you bare with me, I just want to be heard out and be as open and honest as I possibly can at this time. I'm fully aware it's been quite some time, a lot of it being my own fault for taking off when things got way too stressful..along with also being afraid to reach out when I really needed to, but a good portion of it was also not necessarily under my control as well which I would like to address. Especially so after things went a bit downhill for me shortly after I graduated from college.
It took me a while to come to this decision to come back here and explain myself, even now, I'm trying to fight my anxiety over this. I've been meaning to post this journal since...well over a month ago when I was encouraged to make this move... but I've been having a hard time overcoming the fact that when I come on here, I feel like my chest is going to burst. I do hope most of you are willing to listen to what I have to say. I know it's going to be very long since I have a lot of explaining to do, but, I will be mindful of those who aren't fans of reading long winding details and rambling (which I tend to do when I'm anxious like this), summarize things a bit and link to the full version of this journal for those who do want to give it a read over.
First of all, I want to be upfront and say I'm sorry. I messed up big time. I'm aware I've let a lot of you down with my poor choices and performance in delivering art, communicating and being punctual. I've hardly shown much of a shred of professionalism to you all. A couple of years back, I was still in a very...childish mindset, for lack of a better term. I didn't like being told what to do, I didn't like being spoken down to and had a hard time accepting any kind of criticism and owning up to my mistakes. I was still a fresh baby in college, finally away from their parents and all who wanted to do things their own way. So it was pretty tough trying to reason with me at that time!! I know. I look back and want to strangle myself for the position I put myself and reputation in. They always say that it's best to leave types like myself to face experiences that will hopefully straighten them out for good... and I can say that I've had my fair share during my absence. Not to say this fair share of karma has made me into a perfect person of sorts, but, it's made me sit down and think for once and maybe start learning from my mistakes.
Here are some important points I'd like to summarize that's in my lengthy story of sorts:
- I want to assure that my sudden come back of sorts doesn't mean I'm about to up and start accepting new commissions in large amounts right away in a hurried fashion. I want to be practical and smart about this decision I've made and take one thing at a time. Finishing old owed art is my top priority as of now since time has allowed it for me finally. You can see my queue and progress here: https://trello.com/b/dU3cUcEA/full-.....ue-and-updates
- I've been away due mostly to a series of unpleasant living situations that caused me to be homeless for quite some time (well over a year and some), one situation which involved an illegal eviction of sorts. I've been staying with friends who were generous enough to keep me, however, this meant I did go without computer access for quite some time since my belongings remained packed up and in storage the majority of the time. I didn't gain access to my computer again until earlier this year when I returned to Florida after having moved to Philadelphia for a while. I do have my own apartment now, finally, after everything has happened. I recently relocated to Ft. Worth, TX earlier this summer. I also encountered a car accident that has me in a hole right now, more details can be found in the full version.
- I'm fully aware that regardless of these events I've described, I know this doesn't excuse my terrible professionalism with not completing owed art, leaving people's messages unanswered, and running off prior to all of these "god awful" things happening to me. Anxiety is a terrible thing, but I do know I can't use it as an excuse or shield forever. I need to make steps to coming to qualms with it and do the right thing.
- I am looking to own up to the mistakes I've made and I'm aware that I can't make everyone happy. People are going to be angry with me and I understand what I've done is not okay. Those who are angry with me have a perfectly good, valid reason to be upset with me. What matters now is that I stick to my word and make the proper compromises, along with actually carrying out my promises that I make. I'm not looking for forgiveness, no one has to give that to me.
- My goal is to make doing art and freelance work a full-time job to support myself, after owning up to my mistakes of course. I want to turn my reputation around that I sabotaged with my own faults. I will be addressing changes I'm looking to make regarding how I accept and execute commissions now in a separate journal. I'll be proposing a new TOS, price changes, payment options and deadlines. I am pretty serious about this, I did quit my job recently to focus on this and get the ball rolling. You can read why I quit and made this decision in the full version of this journal.
- Due to my very lengthy time of not doing art and being unable to, I am quite rusty. I can't produce art as quickly as I was able to before...and as I would like. It is something I am looking to improve on and get better with. I'm hoping to accomplish this with my queue and any art I do in between. Because of this, I'm setting a deadline for finishing up my queue by... no later than December of this year.
- Because I'm focusing on my queue, but also have to find a means to support myself in terms of taking care of overdue bills and everything else, I will be looking to find a way to raise money to go towards monthly rent, my car payments and such. This means I'll be considering 2-3 YCHs a month (depending on how well they do?), posting a few design auctions... etc. Basically anything I can do to bypass taking a hefty amount of commission work on top of what I already owe. If anything, I'll accept quick types of commissions such as icons, sketches, etc. Something quick and stress free and I know can be done in just a day's amount of time. but these slots will be very limited.
- If anyone wants to have a word with me in private, please feel free to reach out to me on here, add me on skype @ itsmapletime, telegram @ sogaykingu, or email at stripesandteeth@gmail.com. You're also more than welcome to add me on twitter: https://twitter.com/AshKetchumSays
- I will be uploading more recent art and a couple of completed commissions shortly, I'm just still getting it all put together to upload. Expect an uploading spree very soon. I promise.
- I am looking for advice on making art a full-time job to support myself, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. I know this is going to be easy, but I am willing to do what I can and need to do to make this work out.
Those were the most important points I covered heavily in detail in the full version of this journal, you can find it in full here if anyone is interested in reading: http://stripesandteeth.livejournal.com/5936.html
In conclusion, I'm very happy with the decision to come back and be active in fandom. I'm not looking to run or hide again, I don't have too much of a reason to these days. Anything that happens here on out, I'm looking to face head on and take care of in a responsible fashion. I look forward to sharing my art here again with you all.
It took me a while to come to this decision to come back here and explain myself, even now, I'm trying to fight my anxiety over this. I've been meaning to post this journal since...well over a month ago when I was encouraged to make this move... but I've been having a hard time overcoming the fact that when I come on here, I feel like my chest is going to burst. I do hope most of you are willing to listen to what I have to say. I know it's going to be very long since I have a lot of explaining to do, but, I will be mindful of those who aren't fans of reading long winding details and rambling (which I tend to do when I'm anxious like this), summarize things a bit and link to the full version of this journal for those who do want to give it a read over.
First of all, I want to be upfront and say I'm sorry. I messed up big time. I'm aware I've let a lot of you down with my poor choices and performance in delivering art, communicating and being punctual. I've hardly shown much of a shred of professionalism to you all. A couple of years back, I was still in a very...childish mindset, for lack of a better term. I didn't like being told what to do, I didn't like being spoken down to and had a hard time accepting any kind of criticism and owning up to my mistakes. I was still a fresh baby in college, finally away from their parents and all who wanted to do things their own way. So it was pretty tough trying to reason with me at that time!! I know. I look back and want to strangle myself for the position I put myself and reputation in. They always say that it's best to leave types like myself to face experiences that will hopefully straighten them out for good... and I can say that I've had my fair share during my absence. Not to say this fair share of karma has made me into a perfect person of sorts, but, it's made me sit down and think for once and maybe start learning from my mistakes.
Here are some important points I'd like to summarize that's in my lengthy story of sorts:
- I want to assure that my sudden come back of sorts doesn't mean I'm about to up and start accepting new commissions in large amounts right away in a hurried fashion. I want to be practical and smart about this decision I've made and take one thing at a time. Finishing old owed art is my top priority as of now since time has allowed it for me finally. You can see my queue and progress here: https://trello.com/b/dU3cUcEA/full-.....ue-and-updates
- I've been away due mostly to a series of unpleasant living situations that caused me to be homeless for quite some time (well over a year and some), one situation which involved an illegal eviction of sorts. I've been staying with friends who were generous enough to keep me, however, this meant I did go without computer access for quite some time since my belongings remained packed up and in storage the majority of the time. I didn't gain access to my computer again until earlier this year when I returned to Florida after having moved to Philadelphia for a while. I do have my own apartment now, finally, after everything has happened. I recently relocated to Ft. Worth, TX earlier this summer. I also encountered a car accident that has me in a hole right now, more details can be found in the full version.
- I'm fully aware that regardless of these events I've described, I know this doesn't excuse my terrible professionalism with not completing owed art, leaving people's messages unanswered, and running off prior to all of these "god awful" things happening to me. Anxiety is a terrible thing, but I do know I can't use it as an excuse or shield forever. I need to make steps to coming to qualms with it and do the right thing.
- I am looking to own up to the mistakes I've made and I'm aware that I can't make everyone happy. People are going to be angry with me and I understand what I've done is not okay. Those who are angry with me have a perfectly good, valid reason to be upset with me. What matters now is that I stick to my word and make the proper compromises, along with actually carrying out my promises that I make. I'm not looking for forgiveness, no one has to give that to me.
- My goal is to make doing art and freelance work a full-time job to support myself, after owning up to my mistakes of course. I want to turn my reputation around that I sabotaged with my own faults. I will be addressing changes I'm looking to make regarding how I accept and execute commissions now in a separate journal. I'll be proposing a new TOS, price changes, payment options and deadlines. I am pretty serious about this, I did quit my job recently to focus on this and get the ball rolling. You can read why I quit and made this decision in the full version of this journal.
- Due to my very lengthy time of not doing art and being unable to, I am quite rusty. I can't produce art as quickly as I was able to before...and as I would like. It is something I am looking to improve on and get better with. I'm hoping to accomplish this with my queue and any art I do in between. Because of this, I'm setting a deadline for finishing up my queue by... no later than December of this year.
- Because I'm focusing on my queue, but also have to find a means to support myself in terms of taking care of overdue bills and everything else, I will be looking to find a way to raise money to go towards monthly rent, my car payments and such. This means I'll be considering 2-3 YCHs a month (depending on how well they do?), posting a few design auctions... etc. Basically anything I can do to bypass taking a hefty amount of commission work on top of what I already owe. If anything, I'll accept quick types of commissions such as icons, sketches, etc. Something quick and stress free and I know can be done in just a day's amount of time. but these slots will be very limited.
- If anyone wants to have a word with me in private, please feel free to reach out to me on here, add me on skype @ itsmapletime, telegram @ sogaykingu, or email at stripesandteeth@gmail.com. You're also more than welcome to add me on twitter: https://twitter.com/AshKetchumSays
- I will be uploading more recent art and a couple of completed commissions shortly, I'm just still getting it all put together to upload. Expect an uploading spree very soon. I promise.
- I am looking for advice on making art a full-time job to support myself, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. I know this is going to be easy, but I am willing to do what I can and need to do to make this work out.
Those were the most important points I covered heavily in detail in the full version of this journal, you can find it in full here if anyone is interested in reading: http://stripesandteeth.livejournal.com/5936.html
In conclusion, I'm very happy with the decision to come back and be active in fandom. I'm not looking to run or hide again, I don't have too much of a reason to these days. Anything that happens here on out, I'm looking to face head on and take care of in a responsible fashion. I look forward to sharing my art here again with you all.
Anyway, welcome back! With open arms and all that good stuff. I look forward to seeing you progress and catch up, as well as seeing the new pieces you produce! If you ever need any help or encouragement, or wanna team up on some projects, I'd be happy to do anything I can to make sure your re-entry to the fandom is smooth!
You got this.
It won't be easy, but it is very brave of you and you have my full encouragement. I hope things go well for you.
You always know I'm here for you if you need a shoulder, too! I believe in you, girl <3
But you're only human, we all make mistakes, and you went through a really rough time, so everyone should understand that.
Glad to see you here again, hun. <3
Anxiety is terrible..I can totally feel you on this. I hope your life situation will improve soon and can't wait to see your newest uploads!
Also I went and read the full version so since it wouldn't let me comment on there, I just wanna let you know ur a gay sweetie I saw you mentioning me a billion times and almost cried.
Welcome back!
Welcome back~
(Also, this was a very well-written and sincere journal post. Although I understand your trepidation because of anxiety, you did the right thing by posting it, and that's important. I think you understand that actions speak louder than words and I'm really looking forward to what you produce in the future. If you need absolutely any help, please don't hesitate to reach out!)
If you ever need business/merch advice, I'm here and you know where to find me! You can do it!
Like everyone else has said, people make mistakes. It's part of being human!! The best you can do is bounce back from what's brought you down and come back stronger, and I think you are showing great potential in doing just that :3 (also anxiety sucks ASS ahaha I know that so well.)
I very much look forward to seeing you around again!! And would love to grab art from you if I've ever got the chance. I wish you the best of luck!! And you're doing great in choosing to take this big step forward :3
I wish you all the best in your career and future, and I know you can do it!
You can do this!!!
HMU if you'd like and I can totally share info/advice and stuff if you need it ;n;
I'm just happy you're uploading again, I'm so excited to see you succeed, you've had it rough but I know you can do great <3
On another note, I adore your art style and it's been an inspiration to my own since I was a wee thing. xD I probably still have an old black and white copy paper print of one of your pieces in a folder somewhere, stuffed with a bunch of my old sketchbooks.
I know that these area few of them off the top of my head;
These are just a few, yes, and I'm pretty sure they would love to at least answer a few questions or help you out. There are even some artists who don't do this as a full-time job but they have a good grasp on when they do hold open commissions and take on things like IronArtists and stuff.
I adore your art, and I understand the need to just escape for a bit- even before stuff happens in life.
Don't worry. Everyone has those moments. And I know saying all these things and trying to convey this stuff to a person whom is graced with anxiety doesn't convey the same emotions as I would hope.
But, from another who has Anxiety, and from looking up at the other comments, others also deal with it- and I'm pretty sure you can get tips even on that point from us or many others.
The part in life that is the most challenging is the part that defines us, in one of the most simplistic ways to put it. You can gain that trust, you can build up that awesome reputation I remember, and you can grow just as you want to.
Keep moving, keep growing, keep doing it to it.
//salute
So far, you are off to a great start. A trello listing everything is a very good first step. Just make sure to keep it updated as much as you possibly can. Listing all the places you can be contacted is also another good step, so kudos there.
I heavily recommend that you do NOT take commissions on just yet. Not till you are down to say....8 commissions left from your old queue to do. Instead, adoptables are a great option for you, done via auction, seeing as you are wonderful at creating creatures. They can bring in a lot, and it doesn't add to your queue.
Also, set work hours for yourself. Monday - Friday or something, between five hours minimum a day you just sit down and start work. It's what I did when I was struggling at first to get a good work ethic started up again. (Of course, make sure you are getting up to stretch, get a snack, ect.)
I work as a full-time artist, so any questions you have I am willing to answer. I hope things go a lot better this time. I do think there is a good amount of hope in that, reading this journal.
Cheers!
You're very brave for coming back. I've been watching you for many years, and I'm excited to see you've returned. It takes a very big person do make the steps that you've made. I am sure that in time, this too shall pass.
We all make mistakes, we are humans, and it's fine! Just gotta learn from them and make a step ahead.
I am looking forward seeing more artz from you! :D
I am wishing you the best of luck in getting caught up and making things right again!
I think a good first step once you've dealt with your owed list would be offering adoptables and small things like icons or even sketches. Less pressure that way, especially since you've said you're a bit rusty right now.
Best of luck and glad to have you back!
This journal is a really good first step in redeeming yourself. Actions speak louder than words, of course, but I am glad you seem to have grown up a bit and are attempting to turn things around. I hope everything goes well for you and that you can put your past behind you
You know, in all honesty, without the whole story, I had no idea what was up or whether we'd ever see you back or why you had all but disappeared with such a huge queue, and I was pretty disappointed. But I'm glad to see you back and trying to make things right especially in the face of everyone's anger, I can only imagine how intimidating that's been.
I get you though. Sometimes (often!) when people are mad at you it feels like an attack on your entire person even if/when they're only criticizing your actions, and especially when it's a ton of people the last thing you want to do is own up, even though it's the thing you absolutely need to do. And the longer you wait the angrier they get and before you know it you've dug yourself into a hole. Not fun feelings. It's a cycle that's hard to break.
I can guarantee you though that pretty much everyone has done shitty things, and what matters is your willingness to learn and work on things and make reparations where necessary. Again, I'm really glad to see you doing that, and I look forward to seeing you finish everything up and put that chapter to rest.
Re:art as a job-- I did art trying to live on my own for most of 2014, and budgeting (namely with this program) saved my ass for as long as I was mentally/emotionally capable of keeping up with that living situation. I looked at the number in the red as the amount I'd have to make that month, and was able to organize my time accordingly for the most part and know roughly how many commissions to take. That and buying adspace-- FA ads really really work.
And one lesson I learned the hard way is-- setbacks happen. Mental illness makes them a lot more likely to happen. Try your best to build up an emergency fund and a buffer ("live off last month's income") so that setbacks aren't as devastating and you aren't feeling that financial strain 24/7. Advice for anyone with any job though, really.
Or so we think...
In the end it overwhelms us even more and the only thing we can do is think about it; focus on how much we're disappointing people and it eats away at you. Then suddenly it becomes such a big thing that you feel going back or even trying to go back would only bring shame and anger from others.
I got called out on it and it wound up becoming a huge deal with doxxing threats, harassment, my clients were badgered and lied to... it was horrible. In the end I did what I could; did the work (I did MORE than what I was paid to do to make up for it) and spent a long time off the commission ladder to cool down. I finally opened commissions regularly 1.5/2 years after (late last year). There's a few commissioners who have basically fallen off the planet and haven't gotten back to me, but if they do I'll refund them (I haven't the time to play games really so... a refund is in order lol After 2-3 years of no contact/sporadic contact, nuh uh. Refund is what you get. ANYWAY...)
The reality is you did come back and seem to have learned from your mistakes. However, while I believe in you (as many many others do) and that you can do what needs to be done and succeed, you yourself have to do what is best for you. Let those who are disappointed be disappointed, it's the natural flow of things. Apologize and either do their commission or offer a refund when possible.
If I can give you any bit of advice on helping get back on the horse it would be when you do take on more commissions, take on only a few at a time. (Max being 3-4) and set a work schedule for yourself to work on commissions alone. After that time is up, you're done for the day (unless you choose to work a bit of over time, but keep it limited) -- This helps to not burn you out and feel like you're overworking. Art is hard work regardless what people might think, more so if you're doing paid work. That pressure to deliver a good final product means the focus is more on details than personal work.
Be open and advise your clients when something may delay commission(s) a bit. Even if they are a bit saddened they won't get their work right away, I've found most commissioners love when those they commissioned are open and honest with them.
Be mindful that you cannot and will not please everyone. Seriously, there's always someone out there who is not going to let you live down what happened and they're going to try and stir shit up, but don't let them get to you. You made mistakes and it happens. In the end your mistakes didn't rend someone injured or even homeless -- so in the end as bad as it seems your mistakes aren't irredeemable. Even if people try and bitchslap you and say you're horrible for not turning out art or for whatever else reason they'll throw out there, just turn the other way. Your clients are the ones that matter as they're the ones that paid you. If they are okay and fine with the reasoning as to why commission took so long, then that's all that matters.
Keep to your guns. It's hard, it really really really is to try and keep to a schedule when it comes to doing paid work, but think of it as any other job. You go to work, you work, and then when you're done you're done. Art for me has become a part time source of income and as such I've had to learn from my mistakes. As much as I was desperate to earn money, I wouldn't take on anything I couldn't handle and at the time that was 2-4 images at a time. I started out small to get back into the groove of things and then as I got better and more confident in my turn out rate (which was about 2-3 days) I began to take on bigger things. I kept to a schedule, working 8-10 hours a day when I could, and it gradually got easier and became habitual.
People adore your art, I have been watching you for years now in the background and find your work lively and fun :) It's good to see you back here.
I am sure with time and a bit of faith in your abilities and training to get in the habit of trusting yourself and such, you'll be back on the horse in no time, riding like a pro. It just takes patience (not only from you but others as well) and a bit of elbow grease, but you can do it.
Cheers,
Kato
This is like Christmas this year. You come back and so did ScarlingRagdoll. So happy~
I would love to give you advice on freelance stuff. Organizing, calendar making and keeping myself motivated has been a learning experience for sure and I hope I can pass along things to help you if you'd like!
As someone who's made similar balls-ups in the past, and continues to do so from time to time: this is an ongoing psychological problem that's hard to beat. I predict that you'll relapse occasionally (though I'd LOVE for you to prove me wrong). The difference is that the first recovery is the hardest. Now that you've faced up to your errors once and come back to deal with the consequences, the next time is easier, so you do it earlier, and the damage will be smaller.
At least, that's the way it's worked for me so far. That's why I say: treat this as an ongoing psychological vulnerability, which takes a lot of time and hard work to get over. Good luck and good heart (we all need it).
shit happens and mistakes are made. the only thing you can do is learn, forgive yourself and push forward.
if this journal is any indication you have a lot of people happy to see you and happy to support you.
best of luck
Take your time and don't let the rustiness discourage you. Your old fluidity (and more) will come back to you in due time.
Avoid pricing yourself low to entice people to come in. That's how a death spiral starts. You need to be able to maintain a steady pace at all times to ensure work gets in and then gets out.
It really doesn't matter much to me seeing as I've never commissioned you, but I'm sure it means everything to your fans and commissioners who have payed you money over the years. The only thing you can do at this point is living amends: action speaks louder than word after all. Start to finished your owed work and deliver like you are claiming you will do, and you'll slowly gain your trust and credibility back.
I get the anxiety problems. Believe me. I fight it every day myself. It cripples me. Very often I have been tempted to go on drugs like Xanax and other things to alleviate it....however I risk getting addicted to things like that. So it's not as if to say I can't relate to your issues. However you can only use it as an excuse so many times.
So like I said, living amends. All you can do now is prove yourself to be a different person, and your reputation will mend itself.