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Oh man... [Rantish]
10 years ago
I know it's been ages since I've done a journal of any kind (mostly because no one ever reads them), but sometimes I just feel a little better when I get it off my chest and out into the open. Putting my thoughts and ideas out on Facebook or Google+ but all that really comes out of that is unnecessary worry, that in all honesty, I rather avoid. The eagle vision my family has on me whenever something bad happens is just frustrating. The only time I get any attention is when I speak out about how bad I feel. Almost like no one cares if I am feeling good.
So to help clear my mind... I am posting something on here. Feel free to comment. Hell feel free to ask questions, I will even answer them... Hmmm maybe I'll do a journal about asking questions.
My mind has been a weird state the past few days, but I can also blame the weather for that too. I took a trip up to Utah, to visit some family while we still could, at the end of September and came back the First of October, and well... my body wasn't ready to be around that many people at all, much less my lungs having to deal with the increase in humidity. So on the second day we were there I was just a complete and total mess. I was shaking so bad I could probably mix a drink just from someone placing a drink in my hands. When I have days like that it usually takes me a few to days to get out of a depressive rut, but for some reason the the day we came back, I was in a really manic mood, which means for the next week after that day I am completely useless. Everything gets to me, I feel completely alone, and all I want is to someone to hold me tightly in their arms. Well to make matters worse we've had rain every day for the past week, and for some reason, I'm hyper sensitive to the weather now. So not only am I dealing with the down caused by my manic episodes and the extreme high of anxiety, I've been dealing with the extreme low that comes for when my body expects rain. So not only when I am awake I am extremely depressed, but while I am asleep I having to deal with suicidal dreams which in turn makes my insomnia worse because I way too scared to go to sleep because I do not like it when my brain makes me threaten myself while I sleep.
Sigh, I would love to just have someone in my life that would just deal with my shit and hold me in their arms so I can feel safe and secure for once in my adult life.
TLDR; My boidy really hates me and doesn't need an excuse to be a total dick to me.
So to help clear my mind... I am posting something on here. Feel free to comment. Hell feel free to ask questions, I will even answer them... Hmmm maybe I'll do a journal about asking questions.
My mind has been a weird state the past few days, but I can also blame the weather for that too. I took a trip up to Utah, to visit some family while we still could, at the end of September and came back the First of October, and well... my body wasn't ready to be around that many people at all, much less my lungs having to deal with the increase in humidity. So on the second day we were there I was just a complete and total mess. I was shaking so bad I could probably mix a drink just from someone placing a drink in my hands. When I have days like that it usually takes me a few to days to get out of a depressive rut, but for some reason the the day we came back, I was in a really manic mood, which means for the next week after that day I am completely useless. Everything gets to me, I feel completely alone, and all I want is to someone to hold me tightly in their arms. Well to make matters worse we've had rain every day for the past week, and for some reason, I'm hyper sensitive to the weather now. So not only am I dealing with the down caused by my manic episodes and the extreme high of anxiety, I've been dealing with the extreme low that comes for when my body expects rain. So not only when I am awake I am extremely depressed, but while I am asleep I having to deal with suicidal dreams which in turn makes my insomnia worse because I way too scared to go to sleep because I do not like it when my brain makes me threaten myself while I sleep.
Sigh, I would love to just have someone in my life that would just deal with my shit and hold me in their arms so I can feel safe and secure for once in my adult life.
TLDR; My boidy really hates me and doesn't need an excuse to be a total dick to me.
