Life is full of change, cycles, days and nights, weeks and years. Sometime its good, and sometimes its bad. Sometimes its unnecessary (hello work restructures!) and sometime its painfully so. Sometimes its taking a long hard look into the mirror of the abyss and seeing yourself, and seeing that you need change, and that you need help.

While I've always made myself available to help others, helping myself has always been low on the list of priorities. Admitting I need help, and taking action to get that help is all but unheard of for me. Things with me reaching the breaking point, so that every time I'm having one of my fortnightly catchups at work with my manager, I end up breaking down in tears and admitting to her how broken I am, and how full of fear and self loathing I am is something that terrifies me. Its sad that I associate the meetings with having another breakdown, when she is so supportive but its important. Letting someone see past the mask of smiles, and see the pain, the complete lack of self esteem, and the dark emotions is ... alien. And now that the mask has been seen past, I find it almost impossible to put back on, and I find that I don't want to.

So I need to stabilize things, and get help, probably through work. So I need to make changes, to focus on my life, my house in order, to put myself in a place that I can't remember having been in so many, many years. I need to find a reason to live, to exist, something real. Something I can reach out and touch and say that even someone like me can achieve something. I need to find my footing. I need to stop having my existence being extended because of what might be, but for something that is.

I can't say how all the changes will be, or if they will save me. But I need to try. I've always tried to save others because I felt that I've had no worth, but if I can save others I can save them from the trap and the place I'm at. I guess its time to save myself. The thought of seeing a psychiatrist is daunting, partially because I'm afraid they'll validate all the dark feelings that I have about myself, or push me off the edge.

What does that mean for my FA accounts? (Since I'm sure thats what anyone that reads this will be caring about) I'm not sure yet. My characters will still be around, and they'll likely be joined by others, both old and new. They'll still have their stories, their explorations of themselves and myself, and the world.

So its not a New Year Resolution (or even the New Year yet, thank the goddess) but its time to find some changes and find a direction that will see me one day healed and whole. And who knows, maybe a day will come when I'll have a fortnightly catch up without tears in my eyes and my voice trapped in my throat. When I'll have a home that is mine and I'll know that I did it.