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Being Transgender with Pain, Anxiety, Doctors, School, Pot..
10 years ago
Lizard.
Trigger Warning: This journal contains mentions of transgender discrimination/assault, anxiety/depression triggers, and marijuana use.
This journal is an explanation of things I have been struggling with recently. Getting it all out on a public forum is a form of therapy I am choosing.
I am choosing to be open about everything that I am going through in hopes that it will not only empower myself, but empower others to share their stories.
Please recognize that in writing this, I am struggling with my anxiety issues surrounding being open with others in the first place.
TL;DR:
Because I know reading a wall of text is boring:
- I'm transgender.
- I have really bad anxiety.
- I have bad anxiety surrounding marijuana (specifically being stoned and the smell of pot).
- I am in a lot of pain all the time.
- I no longer have a job but I'm in school full-time.
- I'm afraid of urgent/immediate care facilities/emergency rooms/services because I'm trans and I have been assaulted
- I'm so tired of taking pills to deal with all my chronic issues that I'm looking into pot to help it (despite my anxieties surrounding it).
- Because of all of these things, I haven't had the brain space to update again. Working on things now.
Where has Markha been?
I know I don't have a huge following, but I also know that the people who do like to talk to me wonder how I'm doing sometimes.
It's ridiculous of me to think that no one cares. I'm some times a hard person to approach (and I have a hard time approaching others).
I care about people and I know people care about me, even if it's hard to believe.
I haven't posted much about what I've been going through minus posts on Facebook (which I keep very private to people I know in person).
And since I've started this new account (two years ago now), I've been trying to keep a professional reputation.
I'm very frustrated with my current limitations. I'm trying really hard to rebuild my commission reputation and trying to be more dependable, trying to keep up with my work load.
I make sure I only take a couple at a time and finish them before taking more. I try to set up specific deadlines to finish everything so my commissioners aren't kept waiting.
I was doing really well for awhile. I was pretty proud of myself too.
I currently only have two commissions waiting to be finished and I feel really awful that they're nearly two weeks passed deadline.
I'm not trying to continuously give more and more excuses. I'm just hoping that there can be some understanding.
While I'm struggling, it doesn't mean that I have forgotten anyone. And it's not that I'm not working on them either.
If I'm not working output in my product, it is constantly mulling around in my brain.
(As I am typing this out, I have one commission almost completely colored. Waiting on the commissioner to get back to me).
Moving on to the bulk of the issue:
I have a couple chronic illnesses (I guess you could call them that) that I've struggled with for a long time.
Much of the things I struggle with, I keep to myself. I internalize everything because I was taught (indirectly) that whatever I was struggling with isn't as bad as someone else has it;
I shouldn't complain because I have it so good. Yes, I have it better than some. And some have it better than I do.
But my struggles are valid. I am allowed to talk about my issues. And while I am not used to it, I am learning how to express my needs.
But social anxiety is a dick-slap in the face sometimes.
My Chronic Battles:
- ANXIETY: basically rules my entire life
- PSTD: since being diagnosed, I've been able to to recognize my triggers;
but a lot of my past and current behaviors are to be blamed on PTSD
(NOT that I shouldn't be held responsible for being a dick. This is just an explanation).
- DEPRESSION: this kind of goes hand-in-hand with all of the other problems.
- HYPERTENSION: I have high blood pressure, which is easily managed, but dangerous to have after long-term stress
- PAIN: I am in constant pain. While I haven't been diagnosed with any pain disorders, it's an uphill battle to manage.
I don't know why I constantly hurt; my joints and muscles are always sore, despite eating right, exercising frequently, and stretching multiple times a day.
My pain and anxiety have been the worst of the issues lately.
As some of you know, I recently quick the job I've had for almost two years (the longest job I've held so far).
The job itself wasn't necessarily a bad one.
However, my anxiety got really bad surrounding mine and my coworkers' treatment from our general manager.
The physical labor demanded too much from my body.
Since my student aid came in, I quit on the spot. I simply couldn't handle it.
Honestly, it was a good decision for my mental health.
My memory is just gone. I will constantly forget my train of thought or things people literally just told me.
The pain won't stop. I'm doing what I can to keep inflammation down (it's a struggle on a budget).
A week ago, I threw out my back putting on a pair of pants before heading to school.
I honest to god have no clue how I managed to do it, but it's left me barely capable of moving.
I refused to go to the doctor for a few days.
I was assaulted by an urgent care nurse six months ago.
She pulled at my clothing, trying to get a peek at my body WITHOUT my permission.
She started asking incredibly invasive questions about my body that had NOTHING to do with my visit.
After that experience, and a handful of others, it's been difficult gathering the motivation to see a doctor about anything.
Once I did, he spent two minutes doing basic tests before prescribing me a bunch of medication.
These days, I won't even take ibuprofen unless I'm swelling. After top surgery, I had withdrawals from the pain medication I was given.
I've built up a tolerance to almost all over-the-counter pain medications, and I can't imagine what it has done to my liver.
I hate taking pills.
The only effective alternative to pain medications is medical marijuana.
Anxiety with doctors has made it impossible to make any real effort towards getting a card.
To be honest, I haven't looked into it because I live in Oregon.
If you're not aware, Oregon recently passed legal recreational use of cannabis and it's everywhere.
Now, of course, my anxious little self has a huge trigger: POT.
I can only imagine that my anxiety surrounding pot comes from a combination of fear conditioning + negative experiences surrounding it.
The few times I have been stoned have negatively impacted my anxiety. I don't like the loss of control I have when I am stoned. It's not positive for me.
I have a hard time handling it. I don't like that I have a hard time handling it.
The smell makes me physically ill.
I know marijuana has wonderful medicinal properties and hemp is extremely useful. I don't deny that and I believe it should be legal to use everywhere.
But I'm desperate for change in my well-being. I'm done struggling.
While visiting the Portland pet expo, there happened to be a hemp expo happening at the same time.
My girlfriend and I checked it out.
After throwing out my back and seeing the medications, I decided to look into the medical properties of marijuana and see if there was a way I could utilize it without being triggered immensely.
I'm happy that the hemp expo was going on, because I learned a lot from it.
I learned that the strain I want is the strains that contain high levels of CBD, instead of THC, which causes the high feeling.
I want to get rid of the pain without the high and I believe I have found a possible solution..
I gathered up as much information as I could.
I also bought a salve and a tincture that both contain high levels of CBD, designed for pain relief.
In the last couple of days, my pain has become tolerable.
My anxiety is back and forth surrounding marijuana, and I'm navigating it one day at a time.
But I can't argue with the results so far.
I'm looking further into edibles (which gave me the negative effects described above) and vaping.
In January, oils and edibles will be available at dispensaries for recreational use.
I'm hoping that I can safely explore and experiment to figure out what's going to work for me.
My goal, I guess, is to become as pain and anxiety free as I possibly can.
I've been readily stressed out from school (which is going very well for me :] ).
I'm doing the best I can at the moment.
I've never been this open to the public about my personal issues, but I hope I can throw out some understanding for what it going on.
Know that I am doing everything I can. I haven't forgotten about you guys.
I'm trying to not be a hermit.
The struggle is so so real right now.
Anyway, here's a commission update:
- paid - coloring
- paid - not started
Hope everyone is doing well.
x Markha
I'm glad it's helping out a bit.
As for the anxieties and other things...well, that's life for you. >.< Perhaps the biggest challenge of dealing with life is not the 'good and bad things' but just keeping forward when they happen - to maintain a rhythm in life. If you have a rhythm going, it's easier to do things, to manage and deal. When you're off that rhythm, you feel more nervous and it's harder to deal with until you get back into it.
Granted, there are bad rhythms too, but that's part of the learning process, fine tuning.
I don't mind the wait on the picture part - you're still aware of it, after all. :) So that's a little less stress for you right there.
As for other parts of the journal...not all of it is things I can offer suggestions to, beyond 'be strong' or 'hang in there'. Really, I don't want to use those two. I would use 'center yourself' and 'be well and think well'. They seem to be more in line with what you need right now.
Happy thoughts to you!
Are you going to charge that nurse that assaulted you? It is hard to do but they can't get away with things like that. Give power and control back to yourself.
I think it's a great idea looking into the alternative pain control. The medicine and pills that doctors give aren't always the best. Addictive, bad side effects, and those kind of things. I feel you're lucky that you live in a state where those things will be readily available. There's already proof on how marijuana can help things like PTSD.
Seems like you're on the right track for yourself. I'm glad that you're doing well in school and enjoying it and that you don't have to work while you attend. I'm always here if you wanna chat about anything.
I'm currently seeing a therapist who works with trauma victims, but I only get to see her once or twice a month because of her high case load. I'm going to see if I can switch therapists soon, it's just a process lol
She has taught me some coping mechanisms for anxiety and ways to pull myself out of a panic attack if triggered, but we haven't started any work as far as confronting the trauma yet.
I love you both lots and hope you guys are doing well <3
Glad you're seeing someone. Though going more can help. Hiba was going every week for the first little while of her therapy. So more may be good. But never stop seeing someone.
We're doing good. Love you too!
Recently I've being trying edibles as a sleep aid. Three teaspoons of home made cannaoil was enough to be incapacitated and dizzy for an entire 24 hours. But, 1-2 with food(greek yogurt seems the best so far) an hour before bed and I can sleep through the night without waking up stoned.
The oil was easy enough to make, 1/4 oz with half a cup of coconut oil and 2 cups of water for a few hours on a low simmer on the stove top.