FA+
Shop
I don't feel well. And I don't mean physically.
10 years ago
General
reeeee
More than usual.
The gamestream thing is still being delayed...which sucks because I really wanted to do it but I can't hold my interest on anything for very long right now. I am almost perpetually stoned all day every day. But that's not why I can't hold my interest.
I started taking Wellbutrin, 150mg, on the 2nd. Last time I was on Wellbutrin, I had an emotional/psychotic breakdown that left me catatonic and non-functioning for days afterwards during the titration period. It's right about that time again for me, too. You might think this is a really stupid idea, taking a med that once made me feel suicidal, and it certainly might seem so, but things are a little different different nowadays. I'm taking other medications as well that are starting to even me out, at least somewhat, and I have enough stuff to stone me out of awareness of my brain chemistry when it gets really bad.
I also upped my lithium. Taking 1200mg now instead of 900.
So, 200mg of lamotrigine, 150mg buproprion (Wellbutrin), 1200mg lithium carbonate, 30mg adderall a day.
But, still...not much improvement. Some. Not enough. And I'm feeling depressed, and not because of the meds or even my psychiatric issues. Well, because of the latter, yes, but they aren't the direct cause of it. I've been addressing this for two years and a few months more now, and I'm barely improving at all. Every plan I make to do something falls apart. Every effort I make despite giving it my all is too lackluster.
When I'm not stoned, I feel blank. Empty. Void. Dead, staring through living eyes. I didn't even know weed helped with it until a couple years back. Sometimes those feelings go away for a few days on their own and I feel like I am me again. A few days. And then, for another six months on up to a year, I feel like this until the next brief few days of relief from it.
I want that to be me all the time: I want to be me all the time. Not this absolute emotional fucking void that I've become.
What little energy I have in me every day I spend on just getting out of bed over the course of two hours, if not longer. This has cost me jobs in the past, and will continue to do so. Meanwhile, I have no fucking money. I have no car, because it got repossessed. I have no license, because of a couple tickets I haven't been able to pay off meant its suspension. Which means I can't renew my cab permit until they're paid off. Every time I've gotten money together to pay them off, another emergency has always happened along that's required me to spend it on something entirely different just to keep my life from slipping further down this slope of rotting human shit. First the banks threatening to sue for the $1500 in overage charges [$250 of which was my own doing, at the end of the other $1250 being racked up by someone who somehow managed to copy the magnet stripe on my card and used a fake one to buy a bunch of shit against my completely-empty bank account. When I alerted Guaranty Bank of the issue ((THEIR issue, because they're the ones who are supposed to handle the security of their accounts, including card fraud!)), they basically told me I was fucked and to fork over the money or pay overage charges. I told them to fuck off and maxed out the card the rest of the way out of spite, and of course they came looking for the $1500 eventually. I gave them $500 to ward them off a lawsuit], then the repossession which required me to pay a certain amount to prevent loan default appearing on my credit history, since both of those things would cripple me permanently and I would never again get out of the lovely system of economic slavery we have going on here. "What's that? You're poor, broke, and getting fucked over at every turn by circumstances beyond your control? GET A JOB, MOOCHER, PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS." Lol.
So. No money. No job. No license. No car. No income. I thought I had an opportunity to have a small but steady source of income going here, but the person that that was going to come from has since gone silent and I don't know why. I'm having to smoke up perpetually just to keep myself from puking my guts up, having an emotional breakdown, and having a splitting super-migraine all at once, which means my blood is filled to burst with THC, which means I'm not going to be passing any piss tests. And that stuff isn't going to last much longer. A few days at most. But the THC won't clear for at least two weeks. I'm not going to be anywhere near stabilized off titration when my dabs run out...
...The fuck am I supposed to do?
The gamestream thing is still being delayed...which sucks because I really wanted to do it but I can't hold my interest on anything for very long right now. I am almost perpetually stoned all day every day. But that's not why I can't hold my interest.
I started taking Wellbutrin, 150mg, on the 2nd. Last time I was on Wellbutrin, I had an emotional/psychotic breakdown that left me catatonic and non-functioning for days afterwards during the titration period. It's right about that time again for me, too. You might think this is a really stupid idea, taking a med that once made me feel suicidal, and it certainly might seem so, but things are a little different different nowadays. I'm taking other medications as well that are starting to even me out, at least somewhat, and I have enough stuff to stone me out of awareness of my brain chemistry when it gets really bad.
I also upped my lithium. Taking 1200mg now instead of 900.
So, 200mg of lamotrigine, 150mg buproprion (Wellbutrin), 1200mg lithium carbonate, 30mg adderall a day.
But, still...not much improvement. Some. Not enough. And I'm feeling depressed, and not because of the meds or even my psychiatric issues. Well, because of the latter, yes, but they aren't the direct cause of it. I've been addressing this for two years and a few months more now, and I'm barely improving at all. Every plan I make to do something falls apart. Every effort I make despite giving it my all is too lackluster.
When I'm not stoned, I feel blank. Empty. Void. Dead, staring through living eyes. I didn't even know weed helped with it until a couple years back. Sometimes those feelings go away for a few days on their own and I feel like I am me again. A few days. And then, for another six months on up to a year, I feel like this until the next brief few days of relief from it.
I want that to be me all the time: I want to be me all the time. Not this absolute emotional fucking void that I've become.
What little energy I have in me every day I spend on just getting out of bed over the course of two hours, if not longer. This has cost me jobs in the past, and will continue to do so. Meanwhile, I have no fucking money. I have no car, because it got repossessed. I have no license, because of a couple tickets I haven't been able to pay off meant its suspension. Which means I can't renew my cab permit until they're paid off. Every time I've gotten money together to pay them off, another emergency has always happened along that's required me to spend it on something entirely different just to keep my life from slipping further down this slope of rotting human shit. First the banks threatening to sue for the $1500 in overage charges [$250 of which was my own doing, at the end of the other $1250 being racked up by someone who somehow managed to copy the magnet stripe on my card and used a fake one to buy a bunch of shit against my completely-empty bank account. When I alerted Guaranty Bank of the issue ((THEIR issue, because they're the ones who are supposed to handle the security of their accounts, including card fraud!)), they basically told me I was fucked and to fork over the money or pay overage charges. I told them to fuck off and maxed out the card the rest of the way out of spite, and of course they came looking for the $1500 eventually. I gave them $500 to ward them off a lawsuit], then the repossession which required me to pay a certain amount to prevent loan default appearing on my credit history, since both of those things would cripple me permanently and I would never again get out of the lovely system of economic slavery we have going on here. "What's that? You're poor, broke, and getting fucked over at every turn by circumstances beyond your control? GET A JOB, MOOCHER, PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS." Lol.
So. No money. No job. No license. No car. No income. I thought I had an opportunity to have a small but steady source of income going here, but the person that that was going to come from has since gone silent and I don't know why. I'm having to smoke up perpetually just to keep myself from puking my guts up, having an emotional breakdown, and having a splitting super-migraine all at once, which means my blood is filled to burst with THC, which means I'm not going to be passing any piss tests. And that stuff isn't going to last much longer. A few days at most. But the THC won't clear for at least two weeks. I'm not going to be anywhere near stabilized off titration when my dabs run out...
...The fuck am I supposed to do?
(I will want that ear back on occasion; I use it to listen to my surroundings, after all. )
Just know that someone out there hopes for you.