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I'll let you in on a little secret (also AMA announcement)
10 years ago
I am going to try and keep this journal relatively concise and upbeat, because part of me wants me to feel awful about being gone for so long right when I said I'd be back, and I don't want to get caught in a nigh-endless spiral of self-blame (yes I've done this before). So I'll just say this for the record:
I am sorry about my protracted absence; I feel awful about it, and have done so for several weeks now. It made me feel as though I'm distant and uncaring, but more importantly it makes me feel like a liar whenever I say I feel inspired or write one of my many, many variations on "I'm back, baby" (seriously: I've lost count of how many of those I've done). It makes me feel unreliable, as though I can't be depended on when people are expecting me to keep my promises. That is one of the worst feelings in the world for me, and one of the most sure-fire ways to make me hate myself. So if you hate my irregular updates and ever-growing mountain of apologies: rest assured, you're not the only one.
This time I'm going to try and break the cycle, and I need your help to do it. You see, at the bottom of this journal is a list of various projects I've been meaning to put up here on FA: specifically 4 submissions and a journal. I am gonna do something nobody on the internet should ever, ever do, and I'm going to willingly invite everybody reading this to nag, whine, prod, remind, complain and yell at me as much as they want to get me to put that work up there. This does not mean I condone, endorse or request anything abusive or offensive, but a firm and unwavering insistence on commenting and messaging me with reminders is hereby officially approved.
I tend to be most reliable when I have concrete, measurable peer pressure, and this is a (possibly very ill-advised) attempt to weaponize that fact into raw productivity. The list is at the bottom, so feel free to start yelling.
One last thing before we get to that list though: I feel as though I owe you all at least a quick reason for why I've been gone. Part of it was university exams, which understandably took up a fair bit of my time, and some of it was also me getting my life in order by successfully implementing regular schedules for homework for the first time in like 6 years. But I really cannot defend the past two weeks, during which I got sucked into that aforementioned spiral of self-blame and self-loathing and couldn't bring myself to say anything for fear of... I honestly don't even know. Everybody here has always been either extremely kind to me, or at the very least tough but fair, so I don't know why I didn't just write this sooner. I guess I should just be glad this hiatus lasted one month instead of nine, and the fact that this constitutes actual progress makes me a little sad.
What follows are 5 things that have been a long time coming on this profile. I am going to try my very hardest to have all 5 of these done by the end of next week. If I fail to do so, feel free to yell at me and criticize my planning skills. In fact, please do. I'll add links to all of these once they're done.
- Firstly, I actually have a completely finished short story ready to publish that I am going to upload as soon as I've posted this journal. It is 100% done and I have literally no reason to delay it any longer, so I am publishing it tonight. Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17950526/ (1/1)
- Second I have a rather long limerick that has been sitting unfinished for some 3 months now. It's actually a nice bit of character development between Seskra, Jonathan and Katie that frankly should have been done a long time ago, so I'm making that a priority. (0/1)
- Third there is of course the submission that was teased at the end of And She Says My Name, Part 3. This is actually currently planned to be two short stories: one from the point of Erea (which I've already started), and one from the point of view of Seskra (which I've also already started). These hold a lot of personal meaning to me, and are among the top reasons why I've been kicking myself so much these past few weeks. (0/2)
- Fourth, I've been meaning to write some new Dirty Filthy Porn starring Luke & Clay. I haven't started this yet, but I figure I'd put it fairly high on the list as a weaksauce apology for my absence. I'm strongly considering making it their first time: let me know if you've any thoughts on this. (0/1)
- Finally I've also been meaning to do a few specific types of journals, so for my next journal I am going to put up another list of 5 things similar to this one but also I am going to be answering a fuckton of questions. A fair few of those will be from 2 tags that caught my eye, but I will also be answering anything asked by YOU. So if you send me a question between now and the end of next week I promise I'll answer it in the next journal. There is no limit to the number or topics for these questions and I will not include people's names unless they explicitly want their names accompanying their questions, so you can effectively ask anonymously if you prefer.
These 5 things by no means constitute the ungodly backlog I've built up, but I want to try and work through the list one bit at a time: this approach tends to work best for me (and it means you don't have to read a multi-page journal).
I had a rough time this past month, and I'll be honest: there were some dark times mixed in with the rough. But finally I can honestly say again that I am okay. And I'll feel even better once that new short story is uploaded.
Love,
Seskra
I am sorry about my protracted absence; I feel awful about it, and have done so for several weeks now. It made me feel as though I'm distant and uncaring, but more importantly it makes me feel like a liar whenever I say I feel inspired or write one of my many, many variations on "I'm back, baby" (seriously: I've lost count of how many of those I've done). It makes me feel unreliable, as though I can't be depended on when people are expecting me to keep my promises. That is one of the worst feelings in the world for me, and one of the most sure-fire ways to make me hate myself. So if you hate my irregular updates and ever-growing mountain of apologies: rest assured, you're not the only one.
This time I'm going to try and break the cycle, and I need your help to do it. You see, at the bottom of this journal is a list of various projects I've been meaning to put up here on FA: specifically 4 submissions and a journal. I am gonna do something nobody on the internet should ever, ever do, and I'm going to willingly invite everybody reading this to nag, whine, prod, remind, complain and yell at me as much as they want to get me to put that work up there. This does not mean I condone, endorse or request anything abusive or offensive, but a firm and unwavering insistence on commenting and messaging me with reminders is hereby officially approved.
I tend to be most reliable when I have concrete, measurable peer pressure, and this is a (possibly very ill-advised) attempt to weaponize that fact into raw productivity. The list is at the bottom, so feel free to start yelling.
One last thing before we get to that list though: I feel as though I owe you all at least a quick reason for why I've been gone. Part of it was university exams, which understandably took up a fair bit of my time, and some of it was also me getting my life in order by successfully implementing regular schedules for homework for the first time in like 6 years. But I really cannot defend the past two weeks, during which I got sucked into that aforementioned spiral of self-blame and self-loathing and couldn't bring myself to say anything for fear of... I honestly don't even know. Everybody here has always been either extremely kind to me, or at the very least tough but fair, so I don't know why I didn't just write this sooner. I guess I should just be glad this hiatus lasted one month instead of nine, and the fact that this constitutes actual progress makes me a little sad.
What follows are 5 things that have been a long time coming on this profile. I am going to try my very hardest to have all 5 of these done by the end of next week. If I fail to do so, feel free to yell at me and criticize my planning skills. In fact, please do. I'll add links to all of these once they're done.
- Firstly, I actually have a completely finished short story ready to publish that I am going to upload as soon as I've posted this journal. It is 100% done and I have literally no reason to delay it any longer, so I am publishing it tonight. Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17950526/ (1/1)
- Second I have a rather long limerick that has been sitting unfinished for some 3 months now. It's actually a nice bit of character development between Seskra, Jonathan and Katie that frankly should have been done a long time ago, so I'm making that a priority. (0/1)
- Third there is of course the submission that was teased at the end of And She Says My Name, Part 3. This is actually currently planned to be two short stories: one from the point of Erea (which I've already started), and one from the point of view of Seskra (which I've also already started). These hold a lot of personal meaning to me, and are among the top reasons why I've been kicking myself so much these past few weeks. (0/2)
- Fourth, I've been meaning to write some new Dirty Filthy Porn starring Luke & Clay. I haven't started this yet, but I figure I'd put it fairly high on the list as a weaksauce apology for my absence. I'm strongly considering making it their first time: let me know if you've any thoughts on this. (0/1)
- Finally I've also been meaning to do a few specific types of journals, so for my next journal I am going to put up another list of 5 things similar to this one but also I am going to be answering a fuckton of questions. A fair few of those will be from 2 tags that caught my eye, but I will also be answering anything asked by YOU. So if you send me a question between now and the end of next week I promise I'll answer it in the next journal. There is no limit to the number or topics for these questions and I will not include people's names unless they explicitly want their names accompanying their questions, so you can effectively ask anonymously if you prefer.
These 5 things by no means constitute the ungodly backlog I've built up, but I want to try and work through the list one bit at a time: this approach tends to work best for me (and it means you don't have to read a multi-page journal).
I had a rough time this past month, and I'll be honest: there were some dark times mixed in with the rough. But finally I can honestly say again that I am okay. And I'll feel even better once that new short story is uploaded.
Love,
Seskra
of course, this coming from the guy who took this sort of mindset to the extreme and seriously hurt their girlfriend to the point of her feeling extremely guilty of causing them even more stress, even though she was only trying to help, and now she's not talking to them. but hey, I think my point still stands -- just saying that you have your reasons is valid enough.
really, I don't have it in me to blame you or to demand anything from you.
though, I must admit, I am still looking forward to all your new stuff. and if you want motivation, I will do everything I can to motivate you. forgive me if I'm not very pushy about it. I can be quite shy, you know.
I gotta think up some questions. >w< I'll most likely note you most of them. but I think I'll start with one right here. simply, I ask: are you alright?