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In Case Something Goes Wrong And I Am No Longer Here
10 years ago
General
Just thought I'd do a little update ma jiggy, cuz I want people to get enough warning should something go wrong with me.
A lot of things have gone wrong with me physically and mentally lately.
The only good thing to happen was celebrating my one year anniversary with my very special lab rat.
Sadly other than that I have felt incredibly suicidal and depressed, my physical health is deteriorating to the point that I am getting tired of fighting.
My life feels like it's in ruins of which I don't know how to piece it back together.
I feel all my friends have betrayed me, they're not there for me like they used to be anymore, the only people I like talking to are the same people who probably find me obnoxious and...try hard, and maybe they're right, I don't mean much, after all.
Have you ever felt like laying down and hoping the ground will swallow you up? because that's how I feel constantly lately.
It's hard to find any joy in anything anymore, especially when every corner I turn there is someone telling me that I am wrong, that everything I believe in is shit.
I just wanted to write this journal so those who care will know that if something happens to me then this is the reason why.
If something does happen, just go on and forget me, I know I don't mean a lot and will probably make a few people happy if I go.
The hardest part of holding on is letting it go, and my past is bleak, so bleak it has blackened my future, so bleak does the future seem.
I wish I could have lived a more meaningful life, I wish I had of lived a more meaningful life in my miserable 23 years on this shit hole of a planet.
I have found that people are cruel, so very cruel, if you differ from them even slightly then they throw you away and spit on you for all you're worth.
I am doing nothing but holding on to a thin rope, and it's fraying, soon I will fall and who knows how far or how hard I will land.
I wish I could've met more genuine people in my life, not to say that those I know aren't genuine, but early family life has tarnished my trust, my uncle beat it out of me, as well as my confidence and self respect.
So I stay up all damn night, poison myself with codeine because aside from a razorblade it is the only thing that keeps the pain away, I spend most of my days in a stupor, I am so tired, so very tired, always. Even breathing feels like too much effort sometimes, and I often think how easy it would be to let a train take me away, but then I think of my family, my family above all else....would they miss me? I want to believe they would but it feels like the contrary sometimes.
Would any of you miss me? Would any of you read this? If you're still reading I say 'Thank You' and hope I haven't brought you down too much, just remember I am one person on this planet, a speck of dust in the wind, I am meaningless and pointless.
If something was to go wrong and I am no longer here there may be a note, if I go before one is written this will be it:
In the event of my passing please know that I love all of you and always will.
My fursuits are to be given to their makers, Static to InkFire and Lights to LazyLupe, please continue to make my characters live, they were the only things to make me happy to be me.
Please, someone, anyone, contact Sonny Moore and Jonathan Davis and tell them of my passing, and how much they helped me in my life and how I will always have a place in my heart for them.
To my extra special LabRat, please know that I want you to live on after I am gone, I want you to be happy, do not hurt for me for I am gone. Tell Lachlan that I will always think he's pretty spiffy.
To my furry family, you guys made me feel accepted and I will always look up to you all, most notably: Djent(Ivy), Pocari(Nicole), Kiba, Kori, Cana(Victoria), Sparxx(Christine) and Normie(Cathy), I look up to you guys as you're what I think a family should be like, even though I probably annoy the shit out of you all.
To the rest of my furry family, I just want you to know, you guys fucking rocked! you're all so fucking cool.
As for my Fursonas please find loving homes for them all, as I said I want my characters to live on.
So here I shall leave it, in case something goes wrong, In case something goes wrong
Thank you for listening
~Scatta
A lot of things have gone wrong with me physically and mentally lately.
The only good thing to happen was celebrating my one year anniversary with my very special lab rat.
Sadly other than that I have felt incredibly suicidal and depressed, my physical health is deteriorating to the point that I am getting tired of fighting.
My life feels like it's in ruins of which I don't know how to piece it back together.
I feel all my friends have betrayed me, they're not there for me like they used to be anymore, the only people I like talking to are the same people who probably find me obnoxious and...try hard, and maybe they're right, I don't mean much, after all.
Have you ever felt like laying down and hoping the ground will swallow you up? because that's how I feel constantly lately.
It's hard to find any joy in anything anymore, especially when every corner I turn there is someone telling me that I am wrong, that everything I believe in is shit.
I just wanted to write this journal so those who care will know that if something happens to me then this is the reason why.
If something does happen, just go on and forget me, I know I don't mean a lot and will probably make a few people happy if I go.
The hardest part of holding on is letting it go, and my past is bleak, so bleak it has blackened my future, so bleak does the future seem.
I wish I could have lived a more meaningful life, I wish I had of lived a more meaningful life in my miserable 23 years on this shit hole of a planet.
I have found that people are cruel, so very cruel, if you differ from them even slightly then they throw you away and spit on you for all you're worth.
I am doing nothing but holding on to a thin rope, and it's fraying, soon I will fall and who knows how far or how hard I will land.
I wish I could've met more genuine people in my life, not to say that those I know aren't genuine, but early family life has tarnished my trust, my uncle beat it out of me, as well as my confidence and self respect.
So I stay up all damn night, poison myself with codeine because aside from a razorblade it is the only thing that keeps the pain away, I spend most of my days in a stupor, I am so tired, so very tired, always. Even breathing feels like too much effort sometimes, and I often think how easy it would be to let a train take me away, but then I think of my family, my family above all else....would they miss me? I want to believe they would but it feels like the contrary sometimes.
Would any of you miss me? Would any of you read this? If you're still reading I say 'Thank You' and hope I haven't brought you down too much, just remember I am one person on this planet, a speck of dust in the wind, I am meaningless and pointless.
If something was to go wrong and I am no longer here there may be a note, if I go before one is written this will be it:
In the event of my passing please know that I love all of you and always will.
My fursuits are to be given to their makers, Static to InkFire and Lights to LazyLupe, please continue to make my characters live, they were the only things to make me happy to be me.
Please, someone, anyone, contact Sonny Moore and Jonathan Davis and tell them of my passing, and how much they helped me in my life and how I will always have a place in my heart for them.
To my extra special LabRat, please know that I want you to live on after I am gone, I want you to be happy, do not hurt for me for I am gone. Tell Lachlan that I will always think he's pretty spiffy.
To my furry family, you guys made me feel accepted and I will always look up to you all, most notably: Djent(Ivy), Pocari(Nicole), Kiba, Kori, Cana(Victoria), Sparxx(Christine) and Normie(Cathy), I look up to you guys as you're what I think a family should be like, even though I probably annoy the shit out of you all.
To the rest of my furry family, I just want you to know, you guys fucking rocked! you're all so fucking cool.
As for my Fursonas please find loving homes for them all, as I said I want my characters to live on.
So here I shall leave it, in case something goes wrong, In case something goes wrong
Thank you for listening
~Scatta
I've gone through 2 VERY long stages of my life, suffering from bad depression. Twice infact, I've been at inches from ending it all. But you know what
I thought. Would anything better happen out of it? Absolutely not!
You might think that people won't care if you're gone. Sorry if I sound rude but I'm being plainly honest, you're being in denial from all the negative thoughts going through your mind right now. I know how you're feeling, I've been there. What I thought at those types of moments was what family or friends I did have at time, and how they'd feel. It would've made their lives miserable. And the same goes for you. The people who care for you will be crushed, thinking things like what they've done wrong for my child or friend or whatever, to do something like this. I've seen situations where other people that had been devasted that much by someone close to them committing suicide, that they do they same thing later on because they NEVER recoved.
Just think about that for a minute. Imagine one of your own family or a best friend, killing themselves. That would hurt A LOT wouldn't it? That's how they will feel if you went on with it.
I'm extremely apologize if this seems harsh, but I don't like ANYONE thinking these thing, and I'm doing this because I want to try and help you. Don't spread more sadness into this sickening world. Stick to the goodness that does makes you happy in this world. Associate with what good people there are still left in this world. You mentioned some of our furry family here, talk to them. And your own family too. Don't think of what you or others think you do wrong. Walk your own shoes, not someone else's to make happy.
When I saw at Confurgence, I thought of you to be a very lively character. Always happy around everyone in your Lights suit. I saw you as a cheerful person. I don't dislike you one bit. We've never really talked I know, but if you need ANYONE to talk to, you can always talk to me anytime. And if you're coming to Confurgence next year even, you can talk with me there. I'm here for anyone, I at least know of, who are feeling this way.
I'll end this with a quote from Treasure Planet:
You got the makings of greatness in you, but you gotta take the helm and chart your own course
Stick to it, no matter the squalls
And when the time comes, you'll get the chance to really test the cut of your sails and show what you're made of
And well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day
Stay awesome ^.^
I've been there and done that. In the past I've chained myself to railways. Stood on top of tall buildings and urged myself to jump. Threw glasses upon glasses upon the wall and let them shatter over me before falling in a heap on the floor, laying there curled up with all my wounds and sobbing for everything to go away in all my misery.
But things can change. You can make it out alive. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Wether it be friends, family, the town you live in, remove yourself from the negative and find somewhere better. There is light out there. There is a new hope waiting somewhere, just for you. I found mine. and I believe in you to get to where you need to be too. I want to see you again.
It's good to know I am not the only one who has been to that horribly dark place, I hate being in the place I am in now it feels like it will never end, and oh how I want it to end. I wish I could live knowing that I have all this love, I forget that so often and it hurts to know I concern all these people, it hurts to know that I burden all these people.
But I thank everyone for their support, it astounds me, I should start listening to them and not the voices in my head...if only it was so easy
But the fact that you are still here and replied to all these messages just shows me how much more potential you have to get through this :) You're one step closer. You've got it <3
I don't know both you and your family but from what was said.. your brother no doubt respects you for who you are.
Life is not meant to be easy, but life is also not meant to be alone. You have the number now use them to help you. We are here for you all you gotta do is ask for help *hugs tight*
I only wish the voices would stop long enough for me to hear the love I have around me, they're so persuasive that they block everything out and when I am alone at night they're the only things I can hear, I wish, for even one day, for them to stop