There are plenty of times in life where ones mouth remains shut and things just pent up.

There are plenty of times when ones mouth should remain shut, yet by the grace of the twenty-first century, our mouths may remain shut while those emotions that were mentioned early can flow freely from heart to fingertip, and from fingertip to the keys of a key board. In which causes said emotions to somehow make it on the world wide web for the judgmental eyes of those who use this, for the most part, useful tool which is, said inter-web.

Now, it is easy to assume after reading that little quip, you’re now sitting and scratching your head and asking yourself a series of questions.

If she knows this, then why would she do this.

Is this journal going anywhere.

And finally,

What sort of drama is she hoping to stir up.

I can answer all those questions in a quick quip before I do what I had mentioned before.

I’m doing this in hopes of useful input on every bit of personal feelings, emotions, and information that I’m about to spew forth.

It’s up to you to interpret if this journal was a waste of your time.

And I’m not looking to cause any sort of drama. I’m looking for useful input simply because, DezuKite has little in friends in her home town.

As I begin this awful tale, I’m full of shame that I’ve resorted to the internet for help, but as aforementioned, I’m very much lacking in the department of support around me. Near by and at easy access.

The closest I have is friends who are hours away from me, currently working on hard on pushing through exams and Im’ not about to burden them with this horrible information. But I suppose at the same time, it’s only a matter of hours to day tills they stumble across this anyway.

And the closest support I had is now gone, he’s seems to be done pulling out his hair to get across to me what a fool I’m being.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal. I’m not about to end my life. My life isn’t horrible. I don’t hate my parents/guardians. I’m not going to resort to drugs or alcohol. I’m simply just verbalizing what I wish I could call simple teenage angst. So you, as the reader, now have no obligation to continue reading if, say, you didn’t want to anymore.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve made some decisions, both good and bad, that have sent my hyper mania (for those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s a mental disorder that goes in hand with several others that I’m not about to disclose at this time which causes my system to run on over drive. It clutters my mind with several thoughts to the point that I either have to verbalize or write them down. And several times to get them fully out and ease headaches and emotional angst, I’ll write and then read.) through the roof.

And a lot of these decisions have dragged up quite a bit from my past.

What I’ve seem to have realized is that I tend to wear my heart on my left sleeve, while I try to help people with my right hand. I have a serious problem with hurting feelings, but if pinned in a corner I snap. And once I do hurt feelings, it’s as if a mirror was held up and the victims pain is reflected back to me.

I’ve lost many dear friends in the past simply helping one or another. And I made the bad decision of even dipping a paw in certain situations.

I’ve lost friends by joining the fur fandom. Yet I’ve made so many new.

It seems we’re living in a world where to give life, you must take life as well.

To give joy, you must bear sadness.

To heal, you must be wounded.

So on, and so forth.

Now to explain that mild ramble.

I lost my best friend in grade 11, saving the life of another. Yet as I pulled away from that friendship, I was able to breathe and see the world anew.

By joining the fur fandom. I lost almost every friend I had growing up. Yet several new friendships sprouted forth.

I’ve sat and taken the pain, the blame, the consequences, the emotional angst. So a friend could breathe again.

I have even let a friend take a blade to me, so they wouldn’t mar their flesh again.

Now don’t begin to point fingers and say that I’m trying to say I’m better then the world. Because I’m far from a sacrificial lamb. I’m sure you’ve all done one thing or another for someone you hold dear. I’ve just happen to be one who will clip their wings and let drastic things happen to them in order to see a smile.

Experimentation is one of my worst qualities. I’ve dabbled here and there in things I should have never touched in order for damaged people to feel they can connect with someone.

Perhaps I’ve given all I can give though. It seems everything I have has been promised away. Could it be that I’m at the point where I’m simply fooling myself? I wouldn’t doubt for a second that I’m at the point where I’m living in a delusion.

What other reason would I have for giving myself away in trust with the hope for mild affection.

What other reason could I have to put myself in a situation of absolute heartache that kills me a little more each day, bringing tears each time. Why do I let that poison continue to see through my veins.

What other reason would I have for throwing caution to the wind and traveling just to be by someone I know has sat and cried every night to hold them for the night when I know both of us would be in the deepest trouble yet if caught.

I don’t believe that I’m what has been called a Fallen Angel. But I do believe I’ve been sent here with a purpose. Some nights I question if I’m even human. How much abuse and pain can a human withstand? Can they take as much as I’ve had?

And yet I can stand up in the morning and face it all again. Take it all again. Grab at life, pull on a sweater, some jeans and step out into the world and give everything I have. From animals to people.

Am I the only one that questions if they truly are human? I just can’t comprehend if I am, and if I am how I’ve survived this long.

There has been so many times where I feel surreal.

I was a raised a therian. I have the spirit of a fox inside me. Could it be there is more to my fox and that it (be it a he or a she, or genderless) is starting to consume my human form. That its taking over me?

Or could I actually be losing my mind and have become obsessed with this notion that I’ve let it consume me.

There has been many the time that I’ve had people look at me and swear they see something more. And there is things that I know and understand that does, and there is so much about humanity that I can’t grasp.

There’s so much I have yet to learn about myself and about others. About what I am and what I’m meant to be.


I just...

Don’t know.

If anyone has any thoughts on my foolishness that I’ve displayed in text before you, I’m interested in anything that has to be said or is willing to be shared.

I thank you for your time.

-FoxenPrint