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Just Me Whining about Life Again
10 years ago
Please ignore this, it's not worth your time.
Anyways, do you know what true loneliness feels like? I do. I am 21 and I've been alone all my life. I've never really had friends, people a could trust, a family I could call mine. Instead I had a biological family that makes me wanna freak the fuck out. A family that leaves me stressed and depressed all day without leaving home.
I have tried. I swear, I have tried to make friends, but it's not something I can do. I am scared of people, I run away from them, I feel like they might hurt me if I make the wrong friends. I don't someone just to laugh with, I want someone that will always be there for me, and this I can't have. I never did. My phobias are real, they're part of my autistic mind. I lie irl. I do. I pretend that I am someone that I am not. I don't even know who I am anyway.
I envy people that have at least one truthful friend always by their side. I envy people who have movie or gaming night with their friends I envy people who have fun with their friends... I do. But I can't have any of that... I can't have any of the things I wish for myself. I can't leave home, I can't go out on my own because something inside of me holds me back. I've never dated anyone, been in love, but was always friendzoned. And even though I take good grades at college, I can't see myself being a biologist.
Some of you who's been reading either my stories or my profile must already know how feet are important to me. But I wasn't able to even touch anyone's feet for the past 4 years. That might seem like a dumb reason to be depressed, but when you're me, it's not. And the worse part is that there's nothing I can do about that. I don't know when I'll be able to even touch someone's feet again. Actually, I don't know how am I going to solve any of the problems stated above.
Last night I've had an anxiety crisis and couldn't sleep. It felt like I was having a Panic Attack from how hard my heart was beating. I'm burning with anxiety and sinking with depression. But then again, this is all my fault, isn't it? It's my fault I am scared of people and can't make true friends. It's my fault I get stressed and depressed by my family because I lack the guts to fight them and take control of my life. It's my fault I can't find a loved one because I can't love myself. It's my fault I can't play with feet because I didn't have the courage to make a true friend. This is all my fault and I don't have what it takes to make things better...
Anyways, do you know what true loneliness feels like? I do. I am 21 and I've been alone all my life. I've never really had friends, people a could trust, a family I could call mine. Instead I had a biological family that makes me wanna freak the fuck out. A family that leaves me stressed and depressed all day without leaving home.
I have tried. I swear, I have tried to make friends, but it's not something I can do. I am scared of people, I run away from them, I feel like they might hurt me if I make the wrong friends. I don't someone just to laugh with, I want someone that will always be there for me, and this I can't have. I never did. My phobias are real, they're part of my autistic mind. I lie irl. I do. I pretend that I am someone that I am not. I don't even know who I am anyway.
I envy people that have at least one truthful friend always by their side. I envy people who have movie or gaming night with their friends I envy people who have fun with their friends... I do. But I can't have any of that... I can't have any of the things I wish for myself. I can't leave home, I can't go out on my own because something inside of me holds me back. I've never dated anyone, been in love, but was always friendzoned. And even though I take good grades at college, I can't see myself being a biologist.
Some of you who's been reading either my stories or my profile must already know how feet are important to me. But I wasn't able to even touch anyone's feet for the past 4 years. That might seem like a dumb reason to be depressed, but when you're me, it's not. And the worse part is that there's nothing I can do about that. I don't know when I'll be able to even touch someone's feet again. Actually, I don't know how am I going to solve any of the problems stated above.
Last night I've had an anxiety crisis and couldn't sleep. It felt like I was having a Panic Attack from how hard my heart was beating. I'm burning with anxiety and sinking with depression. But then again, this is all my fault, isn't it? It's my fault I am scared of people and can't make true friends. It's my fault I get stressed and depressed by my family because I lack the guts to fight them and take control of my life. It's my fault I can't find a loved one because I can't love myself. It's my fault I can't play with feet because I didn't have the courage to make a true friend. This is all my fault and I don't have what it takes to make things better...
I know it takes time for that to happen, but I am desperate and I'm getting even more depressed as time goes by. Loneliness is consuming me, together with anxiety and depression. I dream awake about all those things you read up there, every day. I feel like I can't wait anymore to find a true friend, to play with feet (not any feet, but a friend's) and to have fun together with him.
It's tough... Again, thanks for the kind words, it means a lot to me. :3
Well, anyway, I just wish a friend would "fall from the sky" right now to me because I really need him. XD
*hugs back*
It has always been my belief that people like us can find some solace together. It's a mistake for us to be as put-off by each other as neurotypical people are of us. You have a right to be pissed, we all do. We do not deserve to be ostracized by everyone everywhere because of our imperfect veneer of phony congeniality. I can go for weeks without ruining my light friendship with a person, then lose it all in a millisecond over a single poorly chosen word. Sometimes all I have to do is hesitate. Neurotypical people are ridiculous. Screw them, frankly.