This is for those who keep trying to get me to open up some and talk about what I'm feeling when I'm down. Don't read if you're not one of them, cus it's just a lot of pointless complaining. Even those who've asked don't have to read if you don't want to, since just putting stuff like this out there can sometimes help someone feel a little better. I could never say anything that I am really feeling like this one on one, cus I can't bring myself to talk about me too much in a conversation out of fear of boring or upsetting anyone I'm talking to, but you still deserve an answer for asking.


Why does it feel like everyone is always lying to me?

My mom always tries to tell me that I try to do too much, but all I am doing is simple chores around the house and playing as the worlds most worthless gardener or handyman whose physical abilities are pathetic at best.

In school my teachers always told me that I was doing wonderfully and that they thought I had a lot of potential, but I finished not long ago with a GPA that falls just below even the minimum for attending pharmacy school. No one wants someone who puts in full effort for average results.

People always tell me that I seem to be really good at taking care of plants and animals, but not a single plant I grew this year bore even one edible fruit, and if I did not have help with taking care of all the animals around here, eventually my horrible memory would cause me to forget something they need.

Some even tell me that it can be fun talking to me, it is so hard to talk that only one in 50 messages I type up actually get sent. If I sent all of them, would they still think the same? If our conversations were verbal, I would probably be the same as when I talk to my family; short and to the point so I'm not wasting too much of your time, only speaking when the conversation is directed my way, and filled with awkward silence when I am unsure if saying too much or something wrong will lead to something being thrown at me or getting hit or pushed around like when I talk to my brothers.

On here lots of you always tells me my drawings look good, but if you look around at any other artist on here you can see amazing pictures which used to inspire me, but after I started taking commissions they just seem to demoralize me. I see what can be accomplished by an artist who is actually competent and capable, and all I can think is that I'm stealing from anyone who does commission me and giving them sub-par results.

There are even people who tell me that I'm nice and caring, but I can't figure out if I do things because I care for everyone else or because I hate me enough to see everyone else as being more deserving of love then me. Would I do things differently if I did like who I am? I really hope not, but I really don't want to hate myself anymore. How do I fix one without offsetting the other?

I don't know if everyone is just trying to be nice or if they really do see me how they say, but I don't really want to live as a facade. How do I become the person everyone always tells me I am, instead of just this worthless incompetent creature that is only good at putting on a mask for others?


With that finished, I am disabling comments, cus I don't want virtual hugs and sympathy. I don't even want a response to tell the truth since that normally just makes me feel worse, cus I do not want or deserve the attention. Just don't want to leave a fairly commonly asked question unanswered. I'm going to leave this up as long as I can, with any luck social anxiety wont force me to pull it down right away. If you've read this far, then thank you and sorry for the depressed ranting stupid blehness stuff.