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Life Update
10 years ago
Hey everybody, I just wanted to let you guys know what's been going on since I last had any major activity on here in September.
I started school, as I made clear, and I found as time went on, I didn't really want to be a teacher anymore. So I left the class, and was mostly out of the major.
Okay, cool... but now what?
That was the big question, for $40k a year I can't not know what I want to do. I mean I at least knew I don't want to stay at this school, but I just couldn't leave. I felt trapped, like I was stuck and I had no choice what to do now. For the past two months I've been fighting these negative feelings and trying to maintain a good academic standing and hold a job at the same time. It's impossible, don't try to do it. I've never been the "stiff upper lip" kind of guy, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I've always been about feelings, and my feelings are easily influenced by stress.
Well, as it just so happens, I was diagnosed with a mental illness. I mean, depression is something I think people roll their eyes at, but it's a serious thing. I actually have had a history of this for about 11 years now, though just now I've been really getting the help I thought I needed. Except now I've been tip-toeing towards a line that has suicide on one side, which I am unfortunately familiar with. And that's not how I plan on going out, even if I believe my life doesn't matter right now. Much like the embarrassing characters I have made, I'm a fighter.
Life, uh... finds a way.
So right now the plan is that I am leaving school. Even if I do receive therapy here I am going to be joining a more intensive program. So I'll be at home for the better part of the day, trying to self reflect and work on myself and try to work on music and art when I'm not doing that. Career choices =/= Mental health and self preservation.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I feel relieved that I don't have to suffer in silence anymore, but the expectation that everybody goes to school and finishes in 4 years is somewhat over my head.
But to be clear, I haven't left. I just haven't had time. I hope I can be a little more free now, and somehow find a way to keep at least a little freedom and still find something I want to dedicate my life to.
I started school, as I made clear, and I found as time went on, I didn't really want to be a teacher anymore. So I left the class, and was mostly out of the major.
Okay, cool... but now what?
That was the big question, for $40k a year I can't not know what I want to do. I mean I at least knew I don't want to stay at this school, but I just couldn't leave. I felt trapped, like I was stuck and I had no choice what to do now. For the past two months I've been fighting these negative feelings and trying to maintain a good academic standing and hold a job at the same time. It's impossible, don't try to do it. I've never been the "stiff upper lip" kind of guy, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I've always been about feelings, and my feelings are easily influenced by stress.
Well, as it just so happens, I was diagnosed with a mental illness. I mean, depression is something I think people roll their eyes at, but it's a serious thing. I actually have had a history of this for about 11 years now, though just now I've been really getting the help I thought I needed. Except now I've been tip-toeing towards a line that has suicide on one side, which I am unfortunately familiar with. And that's not how I plan on going out, even if I believe my life doesn't matter right now. Much like the embarrassing characters I have made, I'm a fighter.
Life, uh... finds a way.
So right now the plan is that I am leaving school. Even if I do receive therapy here I am going to be joining a more intensive program. So I'll be at home for the better part of the day, trying to self reflect and work on myself and try to work on music and art when I'm not doing that. Career choices =/= Mental health and self preservation.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I feel relieved that I don't have to suffer in silence anymore, but the expectation that everybody goes to school and finishes in 4 years is somewhat over my head.
But to be clear, I haven't left. I just haven't had time. I hope I can be a little more free now, and somehow find a way to keep at least a little freedom and still find something I want to dedicate my life to.
And I wish your health and all related issues become better over time, mate. Stay safe.