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So much stress.
10 years ago
General
Henlo.
Lately I've been extremely stressed out of my mind and I haven't seen any relief of any sort from it. It feels like it's getting gradually worse and worse, too, and I am very slowly starting to lose my mind. >.< I know what's causing at least part of it, which is my parents making me do a bunch of chores every single day because they think I'm not a responsible person.
More still, I have to go to counseling for a long while before my parents will let me get on SSI. I don't know why, but I feel like I have to go through them for it. I know I don't, but I just don't know. Back when I dropped out of college, they were extremely upset at me. They are rather strict. I really wish they would let me get on it so I could move on with my life.
Something else that just recently happened is I found out I can't drink alcohol. I'm very very lightweight and I don't handle it well at all. Physically I do fine, but I of course get drunk, but emotionally my depression kicks in full force and I even get a bit aggressive, so it's not fun at all. My medicine is part of the reason for being so lightweight. I'm not supposed to drink when taking the medicine, so maybe that's why I was so emotionally distraught last night.
I'm sure there's other things I'm forgetting. I've been so stressed though that even my dreams are nothing but stress dreams. Last night I dreamed that I was trying to make some fancy macaroni and cheese. Macaroni and cheese. And I ended up failing so hard at it and making such a huge mess. Like I didn't even do it right. I some how ended up eating the cheese powder, boiled the water by itself, and I don't know what else. Sometimes things that aren't supposed to be stressful end up somehow being super stressful in my dreams and I don't know why.
Another thing that's been bothering me is my recent gender dysphoria. I never thought I'd have it, but here I am. I'm getting tired of being a male and I just feel like I shouldn't have a gender. I'm tired of my penis trying to control me. It's way too needy for me. I don't want to masturbate all the time and I can't even have sex with anyone because nobody I'm interested in lives anywhere near me. And it doesn't help I want the next time I have sex to be with someone special. I worry too much about things to do with my penis like what happens when I get older and then I worry about getting a mate.
Not being in a relationship is yet another stress factor. I kind of want to have someone, but I'm probably the worst candidate for a mate. The other person would just have to take care of me basically.
I'm either slightly hung over from last night or the stress is making me feel sick. I'm so tired of it all. I can't even stay awake all day anymore. My body just gives out in the middle of the day for no reason and tries to force me to nap even if I got a proper amount of sleep. Not sleeping enough or sleeping too much is also another factor, but not as big as everything else.
God, I'm just glad I'm not posting this on tumblr. People would be on my butt telling me how my problems aren't as bad as other peoples' and other dumb stuff.
I just kind of feel like I want to go curl up and die somewhere. My body, mind, and soul are too tired and too stressed for this.
My fursona. I feel like that's a huge part of my identity. My fursona is really how I identify myself. I hate being a human so much. I'm hoping being a monster is the right fit for me, but you know, I can't keep a fursona for more than a month. Maybe I'll get lucky this time and this will be my real self, but who knows. I've said that about all my fursonas. I have a lot of work to do before my fursona is finished, though, including a name change. I hate my real name and I'm tired of Cody Willow, plus I want something more gender neutral, but I'm having a very hard time with names. I should probably wait until my fursona is done before giving myself a new name. I'm hoping I figure out everything about it soon. It'll be a drop out of a bucket of stress, but it's something.
I don't know how to handle stress very well at all if you couldn't tell. I have almost no way of relieving the stress either so it's all just building up. I'm going to explode eventually.
More still, I have to go to counseling for a long while before my parents will let me get on SSI. I don't know why, but I feel like I have to go through them for it. I know I don't, but I just don't know. Back when I dropped out of college, they were extremely upset at me. They are rather strict. I really wish they would let me get on it so I could move on with my life.
Something else that just recently happened is I found out I can't drink alcohol. I'm very very lightweight and I don't handle it well at all. Physically I do fine, but I of course get drunk, but emotionally my depression kicks in full force and I even get a bit aggressive, so it's not fun at all. My medicine is part of the reason for being so lightweight. I'm not supposed to drink when taking the medicine, so maybe that's why I was so emotionally distraught last night.
I'm sure there's other things I'm forgetting. I've been so stressed though that even my dreams are nothing but stress dreams. Last night I dreamed that I was trying to make some fancy macaroni and cheese. Macaroni and cheese. And I ended up failing so hard at it and making such a huge mess. Like I didn't even do it right. I some how ended up eating the cheese powder, boiled the water by itself, and I don't know what else. Sometimes things that aren't supposed to be stressful end up somehow being super stressful in my dreams and I don't know why.
Another thing that's been bothering me is my recent gender dysphoria. I never thought I'd have it, but here I am. I'm getting tired of being a male and I just feel like I shouldn't have a gender. I'm tired of my penis trying to control me. It's way too needy for me. I don't want to masturbate all the time and I can't even have sex with anyone because nobody I'm interested in lives anywhere near me. And it doesn't help I want the next time I have sex to be with someone special. I worry too much about things to do with my penis like what happens when I get older and then I worry about getting a mate.
Not being in a relationship is yet another stress factor. I kind of want to have someone, but I'm probably the worst candidate for a mate. The other person would just have to take care of me basically.
I'm either slightly hung over from last night or the stress is making me feel sick. I'm so tired of it all. I can't even stay awake all day anymore. My body just gives out in the middle of the day for no reason and tries to force me to nap even if I got a proper amount of sleep. Not sleeping enough or sleeping too much is also another factor, but not as big as everything else.
God, I'm just glad I'm not posting this on tumblr. People would be on my butt telling me how my problems aren't as bad as other peoples' and other dumb stuff.
I just kind of feel like I want to go curl up and die somewhere. My body, mind, and soul are too tired and too stressed for this.
My fursona. I feel like that's a huge part of my identity. My fursona is really how I identify myself. I hate being a human so much. I'm hoping being a monster is the right fit for me, but you know, I can't keep a fursona for more than a month. Maybe I'll get lucky this time and this will be my real self, but who knows. I've said that about all my fursonas. I have a lot of work to do before my fursona is finished, though, including a name change. I hate my real name and I'm tired of Cody Willow, plus I want something more gender neutral, but I'm having a very hard time with names. I should probably wait until my fursona is done before giving myself a new name. I'm hoping I figure out everything about it soon. It'll be a drop out of a bucket of stress, but it's something.
I don't know how to handle stress very well at all if you couldn't tell. I have almost no way of relieving the stress either so it's all just building up. I'm going to explode eventually.
