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I think I need a lot of help, pondering a roomie Preston UK
10 years ago
General
My health, life and apartment are falling apart figuratively and in some cases literally these days. I just don't know how to think or function rationally, maybe because I've lived alone so long I kinda just mentally loop my doubts and fears in my head with no one to really reassure me otherwise.
I feel like if I had someone living with me and helping me out and reassuring me in a totally non judgemental way I may be able to get my life back together. Maybe id put more effort into keeping my apartment and health in better order instead of just letting problems pile up for months and months because its only me who has to deal with it.
I've been pondering having someone stay at my place a week or two if they can just help me get my life back on track, get into a healthier routine, physically and mentally, help me kickstart all that DIY I need to do, etc.
I don't know, I've got a lot of health problems and no-one close by who's really that understanding or supportive I can talk to face to face, sans maybe my councillor and mum but id like someone who knows 'this' side of me too.
Just something I've been mulling over, I don't even see friends anymore and would like some company too, its just I feel like a huge burden to everyone so I stay at home and just exist. I have a bunch of health problems, meds, diet reatrictions/suppliments, anxiety and back problems, I just hate hassling people and being a burden cause I need to do and cant do or eat a lot of things.
Doubt anyone is interested but no harm in asking I guess.
I feel like if I had someone living with me and helping me out and reassuring me in a totally non judgemental way I may be able to get my life back together. Maybe id put more effort into keeping my apartment and health in better order instead of just letting problems pile up for months and months because its only me who has to deal with it.
I've been pondering having someone stay at my place a week or two if they can just help me get my life back on track, get into a healthier routine, physically and mentally, help me kickstart all that DIY I need to do, etc.
I don't know, I've got a lot of health problems and no-one close by who's really that understanding or supportive I can talk to face to face, sans maybe my councillor and mum but id like someone who knows 'this' side of me too.
Just something I've been mulling over, I don't even see friends anymore and would like some company too, its just I feel like a huge burden to everyone so I stay at home and just exist. I have a bunch of health problems, meds, diet reatrictions/suppliments, anxiety and back problems, I just hate hassling people and being a burden cause I need to do and cant do or eat a lot of things.
Doubt anyone is interested but no harm in asking I guess.
I definitely relate to the "mental loops", I called them "thought loops" myself and it was a downward spiral of thinking that I would feel helplessly stuck in.
I was in a dark spot for a while that I've only really come out of the past month..
first I tried zoloft which fuzzed out of the though loops, but diluted my passion about things as well. I don't like feeling neutral to everything, but on those meds it was like I was just slowly swaying from mild annoyance to mild amusement all the time.
Still not a terrible experience on them because they really relieved my bad panic attacks (thought looping) that were getting unmanageable. In retrospect I think my anxiety at the time was actually justified because of some circumstances in my life at the time I didn't realize were as severe as they were. Meds fuzzed out the anxiety a bit but didn't get to the source of why so I wasn't really able to move past it until I had a clearer head as to why I felt so upset.
aaaanyway... honestly I first noticed myself starting to feel better when I began doing commissions and committing myself to them (after giving up on a 'real job' for the time being, which i felt lots of shame about). It was like a snowball effect. I was suddenly engaging with more people, they wanted something uniquely from me, I was earning some money and I was proud at myself for making things. Also, having to draw so often (I like being held accountable since it's a commission, gives me more push to finish it), I noticed myself improving. And then wanting to do and try, like icons. That's never happened to me.
The top surgery was another ego booster that's worth acknowledging, I think..
I've also committed to spending more time with my cat which is real nice. I realized with my other late cat I sometimes felt he knew better and I "didn't want to bother him" so I missed out on opportunities to bond/was unintentionally neglectful. But hey, sometimes maybe I actually know better sometimes! I can't go on thinking everything else in the world is above me.. that makes me feel lower than everyone.
Anyway.. right now I'm off meds and feeling the best I have in months. I was feeling really powerless for a while. But now I get that I have the power to make things happen. And I learned that the snowball effect is a real thing.. but it also goes both ways for me. (bad habits grow just as easily as good ones) At least now I know to check with myself if a bad habit is "snowballing"..
Um.. wow alright. Hopefully that doesn't all sound too self absorbed. I'm a little embarrassed sending this. I hope hearing another perspective/experience is helpful. I really do relate to what you've been saying lately.
Yeah I was on meds with a similar 'meh' effect to everything for a couple of years, came off them cause I was feeling better mentally, then my 2 years of sleep issues started which set me right back mentally. I'm pretty much over the sleep problems after I found out it was a blood sugar issue and have been sleeping much better for the past few months. I'm still in meds, but these dont really do anything but dull my anxiety/panic attacks with no tea drawbacks so I'm happy to be ob them
Ive got a ton of heath problems which makes it really hard to function some times, like my back is constantly hurting due to a deformity in my ribcage causing a weak/torn muscle in my hip so just cleaning day to day is a painful chore, making it hard to want to even try to tidy my place.
I just don't have the willpower on my own ro sit down and write a list of things in gonna do to improve my life, ive had countless setbacks, failings, health problems, bad luck and people close to ne turning on me I get scared even thinking of ways to improve my life cause I'm just managing day to day at this point and just the idea of failing/disappointment is terrifying to me. I had to do an exam recently for a heath and safety course and hadn't felt that anxious and upset since I had to drop out of university twice because I have a huge mental block with studying that causes me to totally blank out and my mind keeps saying :why fucking bother' over and over.
I'm a real mess and just trying to keep hold of the bare minimum I have right now