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Remaining helpless
10 years ago
Okay. One hundred and twenty nine lives today, and many more can die because of their injuries. Thousands of existences killed.
I don't get it. I'm fed up with this. I know I am not the only one who don't get it and who are fed up with it. I know people are different. I know we do not all think in the same way. People even say that we can't change people. People talking, people dying, people killing people. Could have been my family, or my friends if they had decided to go out this night, or me if I had visited my friends, or if terrorists had decided to attack another point of the city - as for any Parisian here, for any citizen there. People say we can be attacked from everywhere, anywhere, at any time, since always. Others say that we are not afraid and must not to be afraid. Since years and years of being hopeful without any fact to reinforce my theories of happiness, for sure I can keep on being not afraid even if every fact wants to push us into despair.
I don't know why I feel the need to write this. I'm alone, like a lot of us. So, this. Please understand. I only do this because of an alone person being me. If I have someone to speak to, I would do so, and would not bother everyone with another fucking message about what fucking happened. So, sorry about talking about myself and my feelings, but it's the only damn pathetic thing I can talk about, besides the facts that everybody know yet.
I don't know if wanting to be with someone is an essential need for an aware existence, or a thing that other people want us to need. I want things to change so hard and try to see things in such way that I wonder if anyone can be with me. What undermines me is that we're a lot to think the same thing, and to be simply alone on our sides, not able to act and live as we are and exist.
I can't manage to work. Work is simply for earning money. I want to try my best to change the things that make us unhappy. I am sincerely honest when I say I think we could all be if everyone just wanted to. Maybe I could do this by working, trying to act over the world, but when people are laughing at you and telling you "buddy, you have to make it economically viable first, and then we'll talk", it's obvious that things will never change.
So I try to write as a pitiful chance to make a sort of medicine. "It pleases me, so it may please people." Maybe it would push them to change, or to assume what they are, too. Society is made of people. Why is it so fucking damn hard to believe that society can be changed ?
...It's late and I'm done about crying for tonight. Tiredness hangs to me very hard and maybe made me write all of this. I don't care. It is just the way it is. I believed acting as you wanted everyone to act would be useful. But being respectful, open-minded, and prompt to help as nicely as you try, when you see bastards, or mean comments, acting, ignoring or talking everywhere is a hard price when you get nothing in return than complete loneliness and many words in various files.
I tried to get rid of the "the way people look at you". Y'know, that "do whatever you want and don't mind what people think or tell about you". I didn't succeed. It's hard, because of these words, because of websites like this one, who only give people a white square to express themselves. It's hard because people won't see these as words, or this as a white square dedicated to expression. They will see these as complaining, as signs of distress, or sign of a moronic-random-lack-of-affection guy on the Internet. Things cannot be just what they are. And I'm losing myself in another shed tearing verse. Great.
I have to go to sleep and not sleep enough because of the educational system, or because of me, as you want. It won't change anything for today.
I don't get it. I'm fed up with this. I know I am not the only one who don't get it and who are fed up with it. I know people are different. I know we do not all think in the same way. People even say that we can't change people. People talking, people dying, people killing people. Could have been my family, or my friends if they had decided to go out this night, or me if I had visited my friends, or if terrorists had decided to attack another point of the city - as for any Parisian here, for any citizen there. People say we can be attacked from everywhere, anywhere, at any time, since always. Others say that we are not afraid and must not to be afraid. Since years and years of being hopeful without any fact to reinforce my theories of happiness, for sure I can keep on being not afraid even if every fact wants to push us into despair.
I don't know why I feel the need to write this. I'm alone, like a lot of us. So, this. Please understand. I only do this because of an alone person being me. If I have someone to speak to, I would do so, and would not bother everyone with another fucking message about what fucking happened. So, sorry about talking about myself and my feelings, but it's the only damn pathetic thing I can talk about, besides the facts that everybody know yet.
I don't know if wanting to be with someone is an essential need for an aware existence, or a thing that other people want us to need. I want things to change so hard and try to see things in such way that I wonder if anyone can be with me. What undermines me is that we're a lot to think the same thing, and to be simply alone on our sides, not able to act and live as we are and exist.
I can't manage to work. Work is simply for earning money. I want to try my best to change the things that make us unhappy. I am sincerely honest when I say I think we could all be if everyone just wanted to. Maybe I could do this by working, trying to act over the world, but when people are laughing at you and telling you "buddy, you have to make it economically viable first, and then we'll talk", it's obvious that things will never change.
So I try to write as a pitiful chance to make a sort of medicine. "It pleases me, so it may please people." Maybe it would push them to change, or to assume what they are, too. Society is made of people. Why is it so fucking damn hard to believe that society can be changed ?
...It's late and I'm done about crying for tonight. Tiredness hangs to me very hard and maybe made me write all of this. I don't care. It is just the way it is. I believed acting as you wanted everyone to act would be useful. But being respectful, open-minded, and prompt to help as nicely as you try, when you see bastards, or mean comments, acting, ignoring or talking everywhere is a hard price when you get nothing in return than complete loneliness and many words in various files.
I tried to get rid of the "the way people look at you". Y'know, that "do whatever you want and don't mind what people think or tell about you". I didn't succeed. It's hard, because of these words, because of websites like this one, who only give people a white square to express themselves. It's hard because people won't see these as words, or this as a white square dedicated to expression. They will see these as complaining, as signs of distress, or sign of a moronic-random-lack-of-affection guy on the Internet. Things cannot be just what they are. And I'm losing myself in another shed tearing verse. Great.
I have to go to sleep and not sleep enough because of the educational system, or because of me, as you want. It won't change anything for today.
The change for the better is possible. In fact, it actually happens! It happens really slowly, but the effect is apparent - it's not just technological progress that happened between now and middle ages, or even between now and 20th century! There will always be some cruel people, some bigoted people and lots and lots of people who are conformists or complete nihilists. But there always will be many people doing their best to make the world a better place.
We live in the times of admirable social progress, but also brutish, violent retaliations against it. And yet, the altruist and non-bigoted prevail, and never fully die despite their rejection of violence, manipulation that give so much power to the ones who do use it. And yet the altruists and hopeless optimists keep thriving against all odds. The evils of today are merely the old evils with the new technology, and it doesn't make it much worse. I have more on mind but it's 1 AM at my place and I need to wake up early. Anyway, hope you stay hopeful.
And, noticed, I will write here to exepress my thoughts when I need too ! :P