Hey guys, I want to start off but I'm not sure where I should, so I guess I'll just say how I feel and let it roll out as I type.

I'm sorry I disappear for such a long time, I meant to pop in every once in a while but it seemed after the convention new issues popped up out of no where. Of course I have to tend to life matters first because that's just what counts first on my list. But I know now that putting myself only to focus on work was not the correct solution. So in end,putting so much stress and pressure on myself just made matters worse and my mental health had suffer because of it.

For the first time ever I fell into depression. I know right? Me? Fallen into depression? That's impossible, right?. At first it just seemed like one of those obstacles. I was shooting for a job position to be a manager at my department of electronics. All I had to do was bust my ass for 3 weeks to prove I can get the job position. But in the end the higher ups pulled the rug right under me and told me I didn't get it and gave to some back stabbing crooked-face bitch who I thought was a a friend who also out her way to make sure that I didn't get it. I have trust issues as it was, I didn't really need that added to why I have trust issues to begin with.

I tried to get over it but then something else hit me, I lost a friend. Well not really but kinda, let me explain. He was a fellow co-worker that started working with me and from the first time we met we instantly became bros. But even though through all the laughs he would have the toughest time. He broke up with his boyfriend, he came out to his parents, and the job was treating obviously unfairly and all I could do was to get he through it and smile. And same with me, he always had my back too. But he found an opportunity that would resulted to him to move away. Of course I was all happy that he gets a chance to be free and happy and get a fresh new start. So I had to support him, even though I didn't want him to leave. But the day came where he left. And honestly I was conflicted but all I could do was smile.

My mood started to change, I started not to care or put anymore effort into anything I did. Everything became routine. Work, school, home. Over and over. I couldn't hang out with friends, because either I was too busy or they were too busy. I couldn't draw either, every time I picked up the pencil, I just put it down and say "I'm not feeling it today, I'll draw later". I felt like I was going crazy in my own life. Never changing always repeating.
There were time I wants to reach out to my buds here or online but I'm own anxiety for reaching out to people held me back.

" I shouldn't bother them, they are probably busy, or doing something amazing and they probably don't want to waste their time on me"

Those words kept repeating in my head even though I knew it wasn't true but hey that's what anxiety does. I even consider maybe taking anti-depressing but I didn't wanted to think I needed such a thing. I didn't want to step so low. So I want apologies if any of felt ignored or felt that I was avoiding you. I wasn't doing on purpose it was just me fighting my own inner demons. And I'm sorry If I worried any on you. I'll try not to do it again.

If anything I'll try to post more, and I have a telegram now so hit me up there as well. I'll try to snap out of it and try to feel better, one step at a time and thank you all for your patience with me as well.