This year honestly has had a lot of ups and downs for me. Sure, there was the fact that yes I moved out! That was a mixture of ups n downs for me because of the terms I moved out on. Not only that, but I've had so many fights with my family it is not even funny. I think the worst part is...just the fact I'm feeling terrible on the inside. I keep getting so torn up and my walls fly up to the point that I just do not feel happy with anything at all.

This is to say that this year hasn't been without its good things. I got promoted last month to be a part of the Quality team at my work, and ho boy that came with good perks. I finally have benefits at my job, so things are moving smoothly. Plus, I almost earn $1000 every two weeks at my job. So that means I am getting that much closer to being able to afford my transition!

...But unfortunately for me, the negative has been outweighing the good. My grandma ended up passing away two weeks ago. And it was three weeks ago my mom and I were up there visiting my great grandma. The worst part of this was that my grandma didn't even recognize my voice at all...she was so out of it. It broke me on the inside and I figured I'd be fine. The Saturday before my grandma's death though, my girlfriend gave me terrible news - that the doctors were thinking she was getting worse, and that she didn't feel ready for a relationship. I still respect this and all, but it hurts so much. I WANT to help her. I'm THERE for her, but there's nothing I can physically do to help her. I feel so useless to people lately that I've been dragged further and further down.

Now the cold and winter is right around the corner and I'm in the same spot I was last year - and the past four years. Seasonal Depression has reared its ugly head big time to the point I'm faking my emotions again. I've told people I'm close to that I don't want them doing that to me, but here I am doing it for others. I just...guess I never gained any true self worth or confidence.

And something else - don't worry a cute note. Basically. All around, it seemed that this was my chance to get down to relaxing, having a chance to be away from everything. I was flown out on a paid trip towards what seemed like a big relaxing area. There was everything you could ask for - a lake, hotel area. The biggest thing was that no one was judging you either! The workers there always had a smile and were willing to look after anyone who came along. I recognized so many people in my dream. I know  Fen. here was there, but also  babystar from FA, among many other babyfurs and adultbaby furs. I just...why'd the dream have to stop?