I've recently come to a very important part in my life, or at least I would consider it important because it has allowed me to finally take the next step into recognising my own development as a person. It was a little bizzare to having found this place of clarity by reaching as low as I think I possibly could have. It wasn't because I had felt the most physical or emotional pain i've experienced so far. In fact, most of the time those situations have come up in my life I have always masked them with an invisable band aid. Rather it was because I finally saw the reality of my actions and how they have held me back from progressing into the next step on my journey.

It has probably been 12 years since I've written down how I feel. Though now I think I probably owe it to myself, and to you to explain why I have been so seperated from my progress and what is espected of me. When I was 10 I wrote a novel, there was nothing else to do at that age. We didn't have the internet like we have it now. I wasn't able to communicate with millions of people at any given moment, and I think in some ways it was better that way. Though in others, I could not imagine not having the wonderful people I have now in my life.

The internet brought great things, and terrible ones. I began to enjoy the terrible also, began to enjoy that so many people could make me feel such great, and horrible things. I never understood emotions, I never went and played with people as a child; I didn't have that experience. Yet I was able to experience that here, with the internet. At some point, I came to realise the joy of manipulation and the power the internet could give you. I became obsessed with this amazing world that I had never experienced before, it became a game.

Sometimes, I would play dirty. I hurt alot of people, but in return they hurt me. I became desensitised to people, emotions, real connection with people out there who are real. I drove people mad, and I received the same negative reprocussions for my actions. I still receive that to this day, built on this reputation that I have constructed over time. I got fearful. Fearful that I would never please everyone, obsessed on the need to do just that. I began to collect people, people who I could comfort, teach, learn from and experience this whirlwind of emotions that I enjoyed so much.

For years I hated, I hated the people that oposed me. I gathered this superiority complex, that broke me down when anyone would question how good I was. I was blinded by my free thought, and the damage I could cause; I was sadistic. Karma engulfed me. Though, over time. I decided to be good. I treated people how they deserved, not like data but as people. For a time, it went well. Then slowly, it went horrifically. People began to fall in love with me. It sounds conceited even as I write it, but just as I had obsessed on hurting and winning the game I had created; pleasing everyone had also driven me even deeper into a depression than I could handle.

Even now, I want to please everyone. I take on so much onto my shoulders, that the weight builds and I am crushed by it. In this last week alone, I have had non stop messages of people confessing this infatuated 'love' onto me, and I can do nothing but reply coldly or say nothing at all. I became numb to the hate and the pain, and in this all I even considered living the rest of my life in jail. I considered, that, perhaps 20 years in jail would be easier to cope with than this mad, unstable life I have now. This anger and sadness has been growing for the last 5 years, and I was ready to give up.

Over the years I have experienced countless death threats, losses of loved ones, break ups, diseases, attempted suicide, homelessness and even rape. I don't look negativley on these experiences, I see them as a stepping stone to become the person I was meant to be. I want to share that with people. Not the pain or the hurt, but the knowledge that you can overcome these things thanks to other people out there who will listen, and share their own memories with you.

A friend recently told me that ignorance is bliss. It is, it is a wonderful thing. I chose to crumble under the knowledge of reality, and many times took an attempt at my life just to avoid the suffocating drone of my own thoughts.

Now, however, i've come to realise that its not the knowledge that stops you from functioning; but how you interpret it. I cannot please everyone, I cannot hold grudges towards anyone. However, I need to find a comfort for myself now. I focus souly on myself because I have always lived without a scedule or a plan. I still, even now, have not made a step into planning what comes next. I want to. I want to live comfortably, and step forward. I want a calm life, with calm people who make me feel like i'm alive. Recently I have felt so dead inside because I have held up this game to avoid being myself. That ten year old me who just wanted to say hello to someone, but was too afraid to do so. I've gotten so strong in such a short space of time, that I forgot to just be Jasmine.

There are times where I don't know who I am anymore. Am I this person who is so hated by these people, or am I this person who people love and admire; perhaps I am crazy, or perhaps I am enlightened. I don't want to be any of those things, I just want to feel happy. I will do anything now to have that. I know that will upset alot of people, but it also opens up my mind and spirit to so many opportunities.

I wanted to write this down, because I have dealt with many life altering situations latley that have presented themselves to me. From this, I hope I will at least share how I feel with the wonderful place that is the world and a great part of my life now. I want to open myself up again, and finally be truthful; and with that I hope find some happiness in this overwhelming stage of my journey.

Thank you for reading, and if you did get this far in the journal; a little question. Do you know where YOU will be in five years? Or where you would want to be? If so, do leave a comment below. I'd like to be a comedian in the future.