I've been a professional musician for a about 7 years now. Being a professional musician is something difficult to achieve because it is an industry that is extremely competitive no matter what the genre. Many very talented people are never able to break through into the industry. Add this up with the fact that nowadays many unqualified musicians are somehow managing to get into the industry because they happen to have connections. That's just the name of the game really. It is one of the reasons I quit working in Hollywood after 6 months of working under a film composer; because of the politics involved. That and many times you get treated like shit in Hollywood.

With all that in mind, I've been largely fortunate as to how far I've gotten and what I get to do as a musician, and that coming out of poverty that I am now able to provide for myself on music alone. I've persevered even through many rejections; and rejections are also just a part of being a musician. They happen and you just have to lift yourself back up.


So here's what happened to me yesterday...


I had recently submitted an idea for an orchestra piece to an orchestra in hopes of getting commissioned to write a piece of music for them. This was possibly my best idea yet for an orchestra piece and fit specifically what they were looking for and was going to be an excellent fit for the concert program they were going to put it in. I wasn't the only one to pitch an idea so the possibility was always there that I might not get picked, but I had wow'd the board listening to our piece ideas. As time went on, the board was communicating with me and hinting that they were going to go with my idea. The orchestra director himself had personally come up to me and said he was remarkably impressed with my music composing skills. Getting selected for this would have been a massive step for my career as a composer and as a musician in general. It would have gotten me much closer to putting me on the map.

You probably know where this is going. Last night I received the email announcing who was selected by the orchestra to write a piece. They immediately gave the composer's name and their background and the person is very qualified as well. I just had so much invested in my idea and had come up with something so fitting for what they asked for that I am just wondering what this composer's idea was that they won. I do however know that the winner deserved it, and I do not want to sound like I think no one can be better than me. Besides, what made me think I had a great chance is not so much my skill level against all the other composers but rather how well I pitched the idea for what they were looking for in a piece. That's not quite where it ends either, as a week from today I have to go (to be a good sportsman) to the announcement of the winner as that composer talks about their idea to everyone. I am going to congratulate the winner, which hurts to do to be honest, but I'm doing it.

I feel like I was punched in the gut. The hard part is that this isn't an isolated moment. The reason I titled this journal "The Music Industry is Brutal Sometimes" is because I've worked hard making connections left and right wherever I can, especially as a person who neither comes from a musical family, a family with connections, nor was born with a silver spoon in her mouth; so I have to make my own connections. But it's been way too often that I meet someone who says they are impressed with either my composing or my piano skills, or some other musical skill, and outwardly states that they're going to want me for some sort of big gig and then just stop answering emails and phone calls. I wish people were just up front. If you're not interested in my work, that's fine, but don't hint that you're interested and want to hire me for something and then just drop me down a cliff. I won't lie, moments like this sometimes make me want to quit music and do something else, but I have not quit after years of rejections and disappointments. The thing is, I can't forget how far I've made it already, and how much music work I do that is so greatly appreciated. I can't forget that I am able to put a roof over my head doing just music. This is just the reality of the professional music world, get used to sometimes extreme rejection and just keep picking yourself up. I have a lot of other positive happenings in my career right now so I can't lament this forever, even though it hurt a lot and was a massive opportunity I didn't get. I just have to keep moving on.