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End of the Year Post - Reflections on 2015
10 years ago
Hello fuzzy creatures! Thanks for looking at this. I have done a bunch of stuff this year and I'm not going to hide any of the details. Infact, we are going to start in reverse because that's the source of my greatest stress... but I'm hoping to use it as motivation in the coming year.
Falling
During the second week of November I lost my job. Before this event happened, I couldn't even imagine the affect that it would have on me, but that's probably also due to the fact that I helped build the company from the ground up - from two part time employees in a run down tiny warehouse with a couple hundred thousand dollars in inventory, to 10 full time employees in a 13,000 sq.ft warehouse with over five million dollars in inventory. I was second in command of the company. Like hell I was going to ever be let go. I felt like Norman Osborn in the original Spiderman movie back in 2002 (played by Willem Dafoe) where he get's let go and he screams at the board, "You can't do this. I built this company. Do you know how much I sacrificed!". Luckily, I took it better than him. But not by much. Being let go shattered my reality. I firmly believed that couldn't happen. I felt like every day at that company was me in the trenches, fighting the war of my future. Because of that feeling, I was passionate about the work. But now I realize it wasn't the war for my future. It was a fight for sure, but I was losing the war due to complacency. After a week of intense stress and anxiety where I struggled to eat anything because I stopped being hungry, my workplace called me up and asked me to come back. My dad pointed out to me that the owner of the company, to his credit, was doing something very admirable. That he realized he made a terrible mistake and reversed it - but most people out there would have stuck to the original decision out of pride. Well, I came back to work the following Monday - the owner barring me from menial tasks - instead I would be directly assisting in running the entire operation. And he kept his word. So I should be feeling just fine, right?
Anxiety and Frustration
The days went by with being back on the job, but I was still suffering from some pretty extreme flare ups of anxiety. Every morning I'd wake up 2 hours early and not be able to get back to sleep.... EVERY.... BLOODY.... MORNING. I would wake up and my heart would start beating faster and faster. And I'd go to work but my hands would have a cold sweat. My concentration drifted. I felt like I was in a prison of my mind. A prison where I was trapped by negative thinking. The weekend came after a week back at work and I actually had to go to an urgent care because my body just wouldn't snap out of it. Alkora forced me to go. Which I'm thankful for. Have you ever felt anxiety? Not the there and gone type, but the type that sticks around? It's like a wall, and it dulls your senses. I talked to a doctor and they told me the technical name for what I have is adjustment disorder with anxiety and that it usually takes a month or two to disappear completely and that I was just going to have to be patient with myself and tough it out. They gave me some low level anti-anxiety meds to use in emergencies.
Fursuit Making and Midwest Furfest
Alkora and I have been thinking on this for a good chunk of the year. We want to get back into fursuit making and do it as a part time business. We have been passionate about making them for years, but haven't truly had the ability to pull it off until now. We had a notion of wanting to premiere an animatronic, lightup fursuit for Midwest Furfest - a prototype showing what we can do. Unfortunately my extreme anxiety in November put us both behind. It was the weekend before MFF and all that we had was a foam head with some motors attached for where the ears would go. In one week, we had made feet, hands, and we finished the head. And this is all hand sewing - no sewing machine. We brute forced it. https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CVwavN3U4AA5VzZ.jpg
Alkora and I got a lot of attention at MFF, but at the expense of us being able to relax and enjoy the convention. I didn't get as much time to see people as I wanted. I'm sorry if I seemed withdrawn or distant. I was / am still dealing with anxiety issues and though it's not as bad, well... it's still bad. Getting better every day. But still bad.
Back to the Beginning of the Year - Costuming and Let's Plays
I can't believe it was in January of this year that I finished Let's Playing my first game - Amnesia, The Dark Descent. I had a post about how excited I was to play the Evil Within. It feels like that was years ago... but no. It was this year. Let's Plays took a break so that Alkora and I could finish post production of this video for Furry Migration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6N5RBGPGns . Again, I can't believe this happened in 2015 as well. And then from there I left Let's Plays to pursue costuming. I knew my way around a fursuit but wanted to make non furry costumes - which I had ZERO experience. I started out determined to make a star wars costume. I ended up with this - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16015125/ which I thought was pretty amazing (I even grew a beard to complete the look). Well, looking back, this costume didn't fit very well so I made another version http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17297797/ which fit perfectly. I spent the Spring making a robe for my room mate Larus, http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16571120/ and then I started working on a costume for my Star Wars fox character, Garret https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CURAFDB.....jHO2.jpg:large
MNFurs and the Media
For months this past winter, Ridayah (the mnfurs secretary) and I worked with reporters and photographers with the Star Tribune, a twin cities news paper. In the Spring, we invited them to attend the MNFurs Spring Picnic, which is one of the largest furry picnics you will find anywhere with around 300 regular attendees. In June, this article was published http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16744121/ and it remains one of my proudest achievements sitting on the board of directors for MNFurs.
Furry Migration
Months of hard work paid off and we had an amazing convention at the Hyatt Regency Minneapolis. It was our second year and we already had over 700 attendees. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17550680/
Going forward - Putting what I've learned this year into action
Shoot for your dreams. Don't wait. Alkora and I have dreamed of making fursuits for people and we finally have what it takes to make some very consistently awesome products. I want this. I want this so badly. If this ever became a full time job it would be amazing. If it was just a part time job that Alkora and I worked on in the evenings, it would be equally amazing. We'd be able to make some extra money to help get us out of this apartment, provide us both with more security, and enable us to do something we love and something others can take and use to do what they love. All we need is people who are willing to commission us. In January we are making another light up fursuit - this one a fullsuit instead of the partial we brought to MFF. Hopefully this guy will show people what we can do and what they can expect if they are willing to give us a shot. We'll open for commissions in February.
Last thoughts
It's been an amazing year, with one major bump. More like a pit. And while I'm busy digging myself out, I wanted to say that I'm very touched by all of the support I have gotten. If you see me out and about, say hello because even that makes a huge different. Hopefully I'll be my happy, optimistic self again soon. If I'm still having anxiety issues into the new year, I'll be seeing a therapist and doing whatever it takes to get well. Because the world can be a scary place but I know logically that now isn't the time to be scared. Now is the time to be excited for the future.
Falling
During the second week of November I lost my job. Before this event happened, I couldn't even imagine the affect that it would have on me, but that's probably also due to the fact that I helped build the company from the ground up - from two part time employees in a run down tiny warehouse with a couple hundred thousand dollars in inventory, to 10 full time employees in a 13,000 sq.ft warehouse with over five million dollars in inventory. I was second in command of the company. Like hell I was going to ever be let go. I felt like Norman Osborn in the original Spiderman movie back in 2002 (played by Willem Dafoe) where he get's let go and he screams at the board, "You can't do this. I built this company. Do you know how much I sacrificed!". Luckily, I took it better than him. But not by much. Being let go shattered my reality. I firmly believed that couldn't happen. I felt like every day at that company was me in the trenches, fighting the war of my future. Because of that feeling, I was passionate about the work. But now I realize it wasn't the war for my future. It was a fight for sure, but I was losing the war due to complacency. After a week of intense stress and anxiety where I struggled to eat anything because I stopped being hungry, my workplace called me up and asked me to come back. My dad pointed out to me that the owner of the company, to his credit, was doing something very admirable. That he realized he made a terrible mistake and reversed it - but most people out there would have stuck to the original decision out of pride. Well, I came back to work the following Monday - the owner barring me from menial tasks - instead I would be directly assisting in running the entire operation. And he kept his word. So I should be feeling just fine, right?
Anxiety and Frustration
The days went by with being back on the job, but I was still suffering from some pretty extreme flare ups of anxiety. Every morning I'd wake up 2 hours early and not be able to get back to sleep.... EVERY.... BLOODY.... MORNING. I would wake up and my heart would start beating faster and faster. And I'd go to work but my hands would have a cold sweat. My concentration drifted. I felt like I was in a prison of my mind. A prison where I was trapped by negative thinking. The weekend came after a week back at work and I actually had to go to an urgent care because my body just wouldn't snap out of it. Alkora forced me to go. Which I'm thankful for. Have you ever felt anxiety? Not the there and gone type, but the type that sticks around? It's like a wall, and it dulls your senses. I talked to a doctor and they told me the technical name for what I have is adjustment disorder with anxiety and that it usually takes a month or two to disappear completely and that I was just going to have to be patient with myself and tough it out. They gave me some low level anti-anxiety meds to use in emergencies.
Fursuit Making and Midwest Furfest
Alkora and I have been thinking on this for a good chunk of the year. We want to get back into fursuit making and do it as a part time business. We have been passionate about making them for years, but haven't truly had the ability to pull it off until now. We had a notion of wanting to premiere an animatronic, lightup fursuit for Midwest Furfest - a prototype showing what we can do. Unfortunately my extreme anxiety in November put us both behind. It was the weekend before MFF and all that we had was a foam head with some motors attached for where the ears would go. In one week, we had made feet, hands, and we finished the head. And this is all hand sewing - no sewing machine. We brute forced it. https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CVwavN3U4AA5VzZ.jpg
Alkora and I got a lot of attention at MFF, but at the expense of us being able to relax and enjoy the convention. I didn't get as much time to see people as I wanted. I'm sorry if I seemed withdrawn or distant. I was / am still dealing with anxiety issues and though it's not as bad, well... it's still bad. Getting better every day. But still bad.
Back to the Beginning of the Year - Costuming and Let's Plays
I can't believe it was in January of this year that I finished Let's Playing my first game - Amnesia, The Dark Descent. I had a post about how excited I was to play the Evil Within. It feels like that was years ago... but no. It was this year. Let's Plays took a break so that Alkora and I could finish post production of this video for Furry Migration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6N5RBGPGns . Again, I can't believe this happened in 2015 as well. And then from there I left Let's Plays to pursue costuming. I knew my way around a fursuit but wanted to make non furry costumes - which I had ZERO experience. I started out determined to make a star wars costume. I ended up with this - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16015125/ which I thought was pretty amazing (I even grew a beard to complete the look). Well, looking back, this costume didn't fit very well so I made another version http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17297797/ which fit perfectly. I spent the Spring making a robe for my room mate Larus, http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16571120/ and then I started working on a costume for my Star Wars fox character, Garret https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CURAFDB.....jHO2.jpg:large
MNFurs and the Media
For months this past winter, Ridayah (the mnfurs secretary) and I worked with reporters and photographers with the Star Tribune, a twin cities news paper. In the Spring, we invited them to attend the MNFurs Spring Picnic, which is one of the largest furry picnics you will find anywhere with around 300 regular attendees. In June, this article was published http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16744121/ and it remains one of my proudest achievements sitting on the board of directors for MNFurs.
Furry Migration
Months of hard work paid off and we had an amazing convention at the Hyatt Regency Minneapolis. It was our second year and we already had over 700 attendees. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17550680/
Going forward - Putting what I've learned this year into action
Shoot for your dreams. Don't wait. Alkora and I have dreamed of making fursuits for people and we finally have what it takes to make some very consistently awesome products. I want this. I want this so badly. If this ever became a full time job it would be amazing. If it was just a part time job that Alkora and I worked on in the evenings, it would be equally amazing. We'd be able to make some extra money to help get us out of this apartment, provide us both with more security, and enable us to do something we love and something others can take and use to do what they love. All we need is people who are willing to commission us. In January we are making another light up fursuit - this one a fullsuit instead of the partial we brought to MFF. Hopefully this guy will show people what we can do and what they can expect if they are willing to give us a shot. We'll open for commissions in February.
Last thoughts
It's been an amazing year, with one major bump. More like a pit. And while I'm busy digging myself out, I wanted to say that I'm very touched by all of the support I have gotten. If you see me out and about, say hello because even that makes a huge different. Hopefully I'll be my happy, optimistic self again soon. If I'm still having anxiety issues into the new year, I'll be seeing a therapist and doing whatever it takes to get well. Because the world can be a scary place but I know logically that now isn't the time to be scared. Now is the time to be excited for the future.
BlueHeelerSunFire
~blueheelersunfire
I am so glad we talked on Saturday night.. I enjoyed that. I do know what you mean about anxiety. I don't talk much about my own anxiety or depression that I have, but I do know.
Good to see you at MFF and glad to see the future is looking better. :)
