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[Everything is sucky]
10 years ago
I'm really sorry for all of the rants lately. Haven't been feeling myself.
I guess I've just been upset lately because I'm coming more and more to terms with the fact that I'll never be successful in the eyes of my parents. When I was younger, I thought it'd be easier, that I'd go to college and then get an adult job and a house and a family. Never thought about any of the nitty gritty details.
Problem is, I don't really WANT an adult job. Sure, I don't want to be trapped in retail work forever, but it's coming to light that me being able to make it in a normal 9-5 just..isn't a possibility. It's upsetting, but I guess a bit uplifting at the same time? I don't really know. The only 'job' I ever really fancied anyways was to teach, but nobody wants a weird gender confused kinda-trans-kinda-genderfluid 'thing' teaching their kids.
or maybe I'm being too hard on myself..but regardless, it's eating me alive. These past weeks have been hell. MFF was okay. Work has been sucky, and if it weren't for my coworkers, idk what I'd do. I still miss Cody a shit ton..which is awful too because I'm doing him no favors by being around. I'm a shitty, leechy, needy burden.
But art makes me happy and making things for people is something I can genuinely feel good at...and is something that I feel like if I practice enough, I could become decent at.
is it weird that I don't even consider myself an artist, though? I mean..shit. At MFF I saw someone in suit that had wonderful digi legs and my first thought was, "I wish I could make legs like that". And then I was all like, "shit, I DID make legs like that" but it didn't really register, I guess? I mean, I see things that people do, that I can do, but I look at theirs as art and mine as a lucky shot, I guess. Like a "oh, I did that too but I guess mine just turned out okay because of something I can't control and not because I put the work or skill into it' kinda thing. I 'unno. Is that dumb? The rational part of me thinks that's dumb.
Bad thing is, I haven't been feeling too terribly rational as of late.
I mean I guess the one good thing to come of this is that, if I did get good enough..I could go into art. Maybe..I mean, practice, right? I don't know. There're so many things that just confuse the fuck out of me right now. In the coming weeks I'd like to gather some more fursuit supplies (when I'm
not trying to dig myself out of these stupid bills that keep popping up).
In the next few months, I'd like to 100% pay off my doctor bills, my car, and get to the dentist b/c my teeth ache constantly. Even though I'm fucking terrified of the dentist..I'd also like to sell off some of my extra shit (chokers, some tails, etc) to make room for NEW shit. I'd also like to eventually get a place of my own (looks like a friend and I might get a place together, that'd be rad and she's a sweetie so that's a +) so I don't feel like such a shitty weight on my parents' shoulders.
The one thing I would 100% like to do ASAP is get put back on meds. They fucked up last time, so I've been off for quite some time, but I feel like I would be a thousand times more productive if I weren't constantly in a state of panic. I'm old enough to do that myself now, and who knows what being a rational human being could do for me? I'm sure that'd be rad (unless they fuck up again which could totally happen I guess idk)
now I'm going to make a list of things I want because lists are cool:
-head form for fursuit heads
-a proper place to take photographs that doesn't look like shit
-an embroidery machine (only if I get good at kigu making, b/c embroidered faces are the cutest)
-a dremel / drill of some sort (very handy yes)
-nifty storage b/c I'm obsessed with storage things ._.
also after I make my pidgey kigu (which of course comes AFTER bills because responsible adult bullshit), if it turns out well I'm going to make a Bird one (of Bird my sona, not of a bird..) because that'd be frickin' adorable and junk. I also want to come up with a few 'generic' practice ones. I 'unno.
I think this weekend I'm going to seriously sort out my room. Toss shit I'm not going to use, reorder stuff I need to keep, prioritize desk space and whatnot. Cleaning always clears my head..which I could seriously use right now.
My next two felt badges have been planned. Waiting for a ref sheet on one, then I'll do a felt run and get them both made. Hopefully they turn out as well as Bird did.
I also need to get another bookshelf for my funko stuff, because new ponies have been released and I still don't have room for the last wave. -.-
I don't really have much else to say at the moment, stay tuned for some junk later on in the week (I'm sure I'll have something to post eventually, probably).
I care about y'all bunches.
Also I wish I could go to the dentist for you. I legitimately freaking love going to the dentist. Almost obnoxiously so because I giggle and laugh and interrupt their work and I've never once been given nitrous oxide.
And I would 100% let you do it for me if I could