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Loneliness, relationships and my art
10 years ago
Probably going to delete this later xD
I hope this doesn't come off as a pathetic cry for help "boohoo I want a girlfriend" post... But I wouldn't say it's far off honestly xD I just really need to vent my feelings somewhere so here goes..
This has been picking away at me for a long while now. I guess I could describe the feeling as "love sickness" The feeling of having so much love and affection to give but no one to give it to.
First things first. Iv'e had relationships. So this isn't a case of longing curiosity. My first girlfriend in fact lasting nearly 4 years through secondary school (which is quite an achievement if you ask me considering the age I was) And just last year I spent Christmas and new years with my last partner over seas. who at the time seemed like a dream come true but eventually crumbled and broke apart into nothing. Shame really.. But I'm not here to talk about my past. The point is i've had experience. Not much of it in terms of how many partners I've had but each one was meaningful to me and still enough for me to know how a relationship works.
However. For the first time in many many years I now truly feel quite alone. :/
See, there was always someone I was crushing on or thinking about when I was single before.. Which is dangerous in itself yes, but now there's just... No one. And honestly I'm not used to it. It's had me laying on my floor staring at the ceiling just longing for some sort of feeling to come back into my life. It's effecting me on a day to day basis almost as if it's clinical depression.
That's not to say I haven't tried putting myself out there. I know just moping around hoping isn't going to do anything. A bit embarrassing to admit but I have tried dating sites recently -/w/-'' .. first being a few furry orientated ones. Sounds silly but I feel my potential significant other needs to be one or at least be comfortable and knowledgeable with it (And i'll get on to why in a minute) However it turns out there isn't many female furries in the London area... Or the UK altogether for that matter... At least on those websites.
I then thought it might be a good idea to broaden my search.. So I reluctantly tried the more mainstream or "casual" dating sites. I mentioned on my profiles there I was "a bit of a furry" to say the least .. I mean there's no point in denying this fact as it's part of who I am. right? So despite this being there in my description I did actually manage to get chatting to a few girls. All quite attractive I might add and yeah, it was a little awkward for me as I'm pretty socially awkward with people I deem "normal" anyway. Yes they were "nerds" in the sense they played games and watched anime but overall the sense of normality was still there. This isn't to say they are below me or not good enough for me. It's more that I just tend to click better with people on that certain edge. People who are "outsiders" so to speak.
This is where the reality of normality and outsider psyches clash for as soon as we got on to the subject of "what do you do for a living" I showed them some of my artwork and they immediately lost interest. Of course I didn't blatantly show them my most raunchiest drawings but just like that I could tell they were uncomfortable. And in a way I don't blame them... Because I know they are not like that. Yeah a couple of them were actually artists themselves which was one of our "matching" qualities by the sites standards but they aren't like me in the same way....
So yeah... that's online dating down the toilet it seems.
You would think living in the big city I could just go out there and meet people but it's not that easy for me. I'm a lot more socially awkward than people assume... Also I'm not sure a long distance relationship is the thing for me. I tried it and it didn't work out.. I need someone physically..
Overall on top of having love sickness I just feel really low on self esteem. In both physical appearance and what I do. I'm not the ugliest fellow mind you.. I mean I was able to grab the attention of various females with my looks alone but i'm not amazing either. That and I'm getting fatter by the week xD But that's a slightly different topic altogether...
I feel my art severely limits my chances of attraction and i'm not surprised.. I mean do I really have to explain why?? I just come off as a massive weirdo and pervert in some cases through my art regardless of the skill or talent involved...
I could stop doing what I do.. and I think you lot would agree that that's bullshit and you're right because here's the thing.. I KNOW there are people out there.. I know there's someone for me out there! Someone who wouldn't care. Someone who would actually love me for being me.. The problem is I just don't know where to find them :(
I feel in a way my presence can make me intimidating.. ooo scifijackrabbit the biiiiig artist.. But no.. I'm just like you. I'm just another human seeking true happiness.
My optimism may make me naive sometimes but it's honestly what keeps me going otherwise I would almost certainly be clinically depressed. So I guess I'll just keep doing what i'm doing hoping that one day I will have a special someone... maybe u.u
I hope this doesn't come off as a pathetic cry for help "boohoo I want a girlfriend" post... But I wouldn't say it's far off honestly xD I just really need to vent my feelings somewhere so here goes..
This has been picking away at me for a long while now. I guess I could describe the feeling as "love sickness" The feeling of having so much love and affection to give but no one to give it to.
First things first. Iv'e had relationships. So this isn't a case of longing curiosity. My first girlfriend in fact lasting nearly 4 years through secondary school (which is quite an achievement if you ask me considering the age I was) And just last year I spent Christmas and new years with my last partner over seas. who at the time seemed like a dream come true but eventually crumbled and broke apart into nothing. Shame really.. But I'm not here to talk about my past. The point is i've had experience. Not much of it in terms of how many partners I've had but each one was meaningful to me and still enough for me to know how a relationship works.
However. For the first time in many many years I now truly feel quite alone. :/
See, there was always someone I was crushing on or thinking about when I was single before.. Which is dangerous in itself yes, but now there's just... No one. And honestly I'm not used to it. It's had me laying on my floor staring at the ceiling just longing for some sort of feeling to come back into my life. It's effecting me on a day to day basis almost as if it's clinical depression.
That's not to say I haven't tried putting myself out there. I know just moping around hoping isn't going to do anything. A bit embarrassing to admit but I have tried dating sites recently -/w/-'' .. first being a few furry orientated ones. Sounds silly but I feel my potential significant other needs to be one or at least be comfortable and knowledgeable with it (And i'll get on to why in a minute) However it turns out there isn't many female furries in the London area... Or the UK altogether for that matter... At least on those websites.
I then thought it might be a good idea to broaden my search.. So I reluctantly tried the more mainstream or "casual" dating sites. I mentioned on my profiles there I was "a bit of a furry" to say the least .. I mean there's no point in denying this fact as it's part of who I am. right? So despite this being there in my description I did actually manage to get chatting to a few girls. All quite attractive I might add and yeah, it was a little awkward for me as I'm pretty socially awkward with people I deem "normal" anyway. Yes they were "nerds" in the sense they played games and watched anime but overall the sense of normality was still there. This isn't to say they are below me or not good enough for me. It's more that I just tend to click better with people on that certain edge. People who are "outsiders" so to speak.
This is where the reality of normality and outsider psyches clash for as soon as we got on to the subject of "what do you do for a living" I showed them some of my artwork and they immediately lost interest. Of course I didn't blatantly show them my most raunchiest drawings but just like that I could tell they were uncomfortable. And in a way I don't blame them... Because I know they are not like that. Yeah a couple of them were actually artists themselves which was one of our "matching" qualities by the sites standards but they aren't like me in the same way....
So yeah... that's online dating down the toilet it seems.
You would think living in the big city I could just go out there and meet people but it's not that easy for me. I'm a lot more socially awkward than people assume... Also I'm not sure a long distance relationship is the thing for me. I tried it and it didn't work out.. I need someone physically..
Overall on top of having love sickness I just feel really low on self esteem. In both physical appearance and what I do. I'm not the ugliest fellow mind you.. I mean I was able to grab the attention of various females with my looks alone but i'm not amazing either. That and I'm getting fatter by the week xD But that's a slightly different topic altogether...
I feel my art severely limits my chances of attraction and i'm not surprised.. I mean do I really have to explain why?? I just come off as a massive weirdo and pervert in some cases through my art regardless of the skill or talent involved...
I could stop doing what I do.. and I think you lot would agree that that's bullshit and you're right because here's the thing.. I KNOW there are people out there.. I know there's someone for me out there! Someone who wouldn't care. Someone who would actually love me for being me.. The problem is I just don't know where to find them :(
I feel in a way my presence can make me intimidating.. ooo scifijackrabbit the biiiiig artist.. But no.. I'm just like you. I'm just another human seeking true happiness.
My optimism may make me naive sometimes but it's honestly what keeps me going otherwise I would almost certainly be clinically depressed. So I guess I'll just keep doing what i'm doing hoping that one day I will have a special someone... maybe u.u
While it might not seem like it's very helpful, or even silly at times, dating sites can help. Be it with confidence or with seeing how different people are. Being single myself, I didn't really try many dating groups, as my ex fiance left me pretty scarred. But in the time of healing, I've come to find meeting and chatting other singles helps a lot.
I would suggest trying more around the furry fandom, be it here, or other sites like tumblr. Like-minded people are the best to start with. There are also single groups here as well. You could post up an ad there with what you are looking for as well. I'm not too .. experienced in the single and searching life, but these things have gotten me by. ^^ I also tend to affectionately smother my friends, lmfao. ♥
But hey, if you're ever in need of a good chat, I'm usually around FA, Telegram, or Skype. ♥ I would rather enjoy getting to chat with you, you seem like a pretty big sweetie pie. Haha. All in all, good luck out there. It may take some time, but you will definitely find what you're looking for, hun. ♥
I wouldn't mind chatting.. I find it a lot easier to talk to people / make friends online than in person lol I'll note you -w-
The sad part is I too am lonely and it's been over 30 years and still haven't found anyone yet, I would go for anyone really, a girl or a boy, but part of it is my own fault too because I don't really go out there and look for a relationship, I've been too preoccupied with my own hobbies and projects that someday I might have to stop doing them and really go out and search. I really love the community and the internet friends I met around here and I hope anyone could be the true love. Long distance relationship is very hard too, but it gives reasons to try and support your friend or partner whenever possible.
I'm still available on Skype whenever I'm available, trying to throw in a few words of encouragements~
However, as a regularly optimistic guy who always tries to look on the bright side, you can at least say the experience has shown that anyone not wanting to try out dating would of probably not have been worth it if they made you feel like drawing cute hoodlums animal people was considered an "unattractive" criteria. Furry media has been becoming more mainstream, but it's still stigmatized (with very good reasons mind you), but people will always treat it weird because it's different to them. It's funny because media featuring anthro characters (like Looney Tunes) are fondly remembered by a wide variety of people but furry characters have always been sexualized in some way, the fact you try to draw curvy and chubby animal chavs is just your own take. So I admire that you're sticking to your guns, not trying to feel like you need to hide what you do and like to do just for a chance of some booty.But like I said, furry is becoming a bit more mainstream, who knows, maybe the next click you find will either not mind or think your art is adorable (but with a modern day grunginess)~
Can't say I can give you any advice in looking for a relationship. Have no experience with it, and sometimes I'm a horrible people's person due to a mixture of social anxieties, preferences and a developed mindset that is somehow incredibly cynical and yet overly naive, but I'll go ahead and let you know that you never have to be lonely. I know friends probably won't meet the needs you currently have, but I'm sure you have number of people who you can chat to to help you relieve some of your stresses. Finding the right person to share love is hard, but I hope being mutually loved and appreciated by friends you know locally or online can help you get through your aches day-by-day. If you ever need to talk about anything to vent, shoot the shit or maybe because you need to, others and myself are always available. It probably won't fulfill your exact needs but sometimes you can't go searching for this kind of thing, and who knows, a friend today could become a lover after an unknown passage of time. XD
Chin up man. You'll find the one some day. In time. There are many fish in the sea, just got to keep on trying.
I find that occasional voice chat helps keep the loneliness away. I have a set of gaming buddies who always use this one voice chat server they run and play all kinds of things together... Even if it's not romantic, it's never lonely. We live together and laugh together, even so far away.
So uh. Keep your mind open, and don't be afraid to get hurt. There is no magical "one relationship fixes all" that will cure your every ailment and feed your every desire and last forever. Humans need a lot of different relationships to really thrive, romantic and otherwise, and these relationships can all be fluid enough that you can float between them as needed without suffering. One door closes, another opens, as they say. You shouldn't have to worry about being "alone forever" because you can always find companionship, even if it's not that "perfect fit" that meets your every need...
Good luck finding your place.
My only advice that I can give, one that I've been living by so far, is to leave 'romance' off for now until you're more comfortable with yourself in life and have dealt with any other problems in your way first; for me, it's finding a full-time, financial-stable job occupation. Traveling out of country also helps me open up to people while pursuing a long-time goal and taking one's mind off of "depressing" moments (but that's me, may not be for you).
I hope you find what you're looking for (as I am), I don't know if this helped but be proud of who you are and your artistic talents because it's apparent that others are impressed by your art.
Keep your chin up, though.
dating sites are shit and it couldve gone a hell of a lot worse
trust me
i understand the lonely feeling. theres people to talk to and such but you want a connection on a deeper level
i dont usually open with the furry thing. sometimes it makes people uncomfortable yeah, but theyd get used to it if you ease them into it lol
i understand you wanting to be up front with it but the fact is people think we're complete perverts haha
maybe this sounds stupid but i think it applies
you attract the person you think you deserve
so im not saying act like hot shit ( i dont think you would anyways)
but maybe the break in your attractions is a sign that theres nobody left for you on that level
am i making sense?
like a game
you cant see them as attractive because you've moved on to better things. i used to think id never have someone and as soon as i felt that i was ok with that and i realized i could be happy with myself, the door opened. its like a damn video game puzzle
thats my piece
im rambling
yep
I would prefer just to meet someone through art ya know.. It's how i've found companionship in the past =w=