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Update for those wondering + New Adoptables
10 years ago
General
Hey so, I just wanted to post an update of sorts about my recent whereabouts and how I'm doing.
First of all I wanted to say thank you to everyone who took a moment to leave a comment on my last journal or attempted to reach out to me after seeing my journal. It really means a lot that you all took a moment to show concern and care. I'm not the best when it comes to speaking or wanting to conversate when I'm in such a dark place like that so I'm sorry for the lack of replies. If you noticed my twitter from the past couple of days ago, that dark place was just getting darker lol. I was really about to lose it and give up completely...like to the point where I was about to just pack up stuff and leave...I didn't know what to do with myself. But thanks to my friends (specifically
AcidHybrid <3) that reached out to me they managed to ease me out from doing so. Stuff like that goes a long way with me, so again thank you all so much. I appreciate every single one of your comments.
I did manage to see my therapists this past week along with going to see a doctor about getting medication...and now they're gonna set me up with a psychiatrist lmao. SO MANY. But apparently it's necessary. One of my therapists focuses on not only mental health issues but also gender identity, so I've been having a great time seeing her lately. She's been helping me sort out my thoughts and it's been wonderful. So I'm somewhat on track to getting the help I need so I can stop focusing on negative things that clutter my thoughts. I really hate that when I get this way it keeps me from doing what I need to be doing?? It's the worst. I hate shutting down completely.
I just really hate that it halted me with getting my queue done by the end of the year like I promised, however, after working on it bit by bit now I kind of see how much I'm capable of at this time. Part of me doesn't really want to set an absolute date at this point until my drive has kicked back up and I feel better setting something more concrete once I see how things are coming along. I do like to think my health is kind of a priority..
I'm just hoping these meds will start kicking in and get me out of this overall rut I've been in for most of this month. I'm in that sort of situation where even though things were talked out and...somewhat soothed over, I'm still deeply hurting. Like I can't stop it, I can't stop replaying what was said to me and it's going to take some time to heal. I haven't felt this hurt over something in a very long time. I'm usually pretty cautious of those I let get close to me and very careful with who I let in... so for someone near and dear to me to say the absolute worst possible thing to me that I'd never imagined..?? I... it has cut so deeply into me. As you can tell it shattered me completely and here I am having to see a therapist weekly now. So lol. I'm still not all that okay, but somewhat stable at least so I can attempt at starting to pick myself back up. So I ask for your patience with me at this time, I'm in such a vulnerable state and I need the time to get my strength back up.
I'm going to be posting some art soon, along with a wave of new adoptables. I don't know if you recall from one of my last journals, but I mentioned trying to gather funds to take myself and
Manlychan to PA this weekend for New Years. We're mostly going due to the fact that his doctor is being kind of dickish and won't prescribe him anymore of his hormones until he comes in for a check up. We've had the hardest time trying to find a doctor here because his mother cut him off from her insurance after seeing him trying to get consultations for chest surgery and what have you. 8/ So mow it's really expensive for him and he hasn't started his new job yet. However, the clinic he went to back at home still has his info and his appointments are free if he comes in on specific days...?? I guess Philadelphia just has more Trans resources where this stuff has easier access. So I'm trying to help him out the best I can since I always try to do absolutely anything in my power to support him. He's been suffering major withdrawals ever since he's been having to go off and on due to lack of hormones over the past two months now and it hasn't been fun... it's been affecting all of us lol. It would be a huge relief for him if he could go get his three-four month supply so he can start his new job and year off like he would like to. That way in this time frame he can start working and get the referral he needs to get a doctor down here where we are in Texas.
So yeah :') Definitely need to get on the road this week, so any help with grabbing an adopt from me would be greatly appreciated by all of us! These will also be my last wave of King Hyenas too because I feel super lame using the same base over and over again lmao... but I did say I'd make one more batch of these for those who missed out on the last ones.
First of all I wanted to say thank you to everyone who took a moment to leave a comment on my last journal or attempted to reach out to me after seeing my journal. It really means a lot that you all took a moment to show concern and care. I'm not the best when it comes to speaking or wanting to conversate when I'm in such a dark place like that so I'm sorry for the lack of replies. If you noticed my twitter from the past couple of days ago, that dark place was just getting darker lol. I was really about to lose it and give up completely...like to the point where I was about to just pack up stuff and leave...I didn't know what to do with myself. But thanks to my friends (specifically
AcidHybrid <3) that reached out to me they managed to ease me out from doing so. Stuff like that goes a long way with me, so again thank you all so much. I appreciate every single one of your comments.I did manage to see my therapists this past week along with going to see a doctor about getting medication...and now they're gonna set me up with a psychiatrist lmao. SO MANY. But apparently it's necessary. One of my therapists focuses on not only mental health issues but also gender identity, so I've been having a great time seeing her lately. She's been helping me sort out my thoughts and it's been wonderful. So I'm somewhat on track to getting the help I need so I can stop focusing on negative things that clutter my thoughts. I really hate that when I get this way it keeps me from doing what I need to be doing?? It's the worst. I hate shutting down completely.
I just really hate that it halted me with getting my queue done by the end of the year like I promised, however, after working on it bit by bit now I kind of see how much I'm capable of at this time. Part of me doesn't really want to set an absolute date at this point until my drive has kicked back up and I feel better setting something more concrete once I see how things are coming along. I do like to think my health is kind of a priority..
I'm just hoping these meds will start kicking in and get me out of this overall rut I've been in for most of this month. I'm in that sort of situation where even though things were talked out and...somewhat soothed over, I'm still deeply hurting. Like I can't stop it, I can't stop replaying what was said to me and it's going to take some time to heal. I haven't felt this hurt over something in a very long time. I'm usually pretty cautious of those I let get close to me and very careful with who I let in... so for someone near and dear to me to say the absolute worst possible thing to me that I'd never imagined..?? I... it has cut so deeply into me. As you can tell it shattered me completely and here I am having to see a therapist weekly now. So lol. I'm still not all that okay, but somewhat stable at least so I can attempt at starting to pick myself back up. So I ask for your patience with me at this time, I'm in such a vulnerable state and I need the time to get my strength back up.
I'm going to be posting some art soon, along with a wave of new adoptables. I don't know if you recall from one of my last journals, but I mentioned trying to gather funds to take myself and
Manlychan to PA this weekend for New Years. We're mostly going due to the fact that his doctor is being kind of dickish and won't prescribe him anymore of his hormones until he comes in for a check up. We've had the hardest time trying to find a doctor here because his mother cut him off from her insurance after seeing him trying to get consultations for chest surgery and what have you. 8/ So mow it's really expensive for him and he hasn't started his new job yet. However, the clinic he went to back at home still has his info and his appointments are free if he comes in on specific days...?? I guess Philadelphia just has more Trans resources where this stuff has easier access. So I'm trying to help him out the best I can since I always try to do absolutely anything in my power to support him. He's been suffering major withdrawals ever since he's been having to go off and on due to lack of hormones over the past two months now and it hasn't been fun... it's been affecting all of us lol. It would be a huge relief for him if he could go get his three-four month supply so he can start his new job and year off like he would like to. That way in this time frame he can start working and get the referral he needs to get a doctor down here where we are in Texas. So yeah :') Definitely need to get on the road this week, so any help with grabbing an adopt from me would be greatly appreciated by all of us! These will also be my last wave of King Hyenas too because I feel super lame using the same base over and over again lmao... but I did say I'd make one more batch of these for those who missed out on the last ones.
BUT. I'm really happy to hear things are moving forward with you in the mental health department, and I wish you all the luck on the new medication! Those tend to rough me up pretty badly, so I hope your side effects won't be nasty. :<
Also, I just wanted to throw this out there... If nothing else seems to be working down the road, there was a life-coaching seminar I took for 3 days that, for the past year, has basically replaced my SSRIs & antidepressants. I wasn't sure if life-coaching was ever a thing you considered, I never really did, but holy crap did it help. I basically was taught how to rewire my brain and my thinking, and life has been a LOT less stressful since.
Otherwise, I really hope your therapists help weed out some of those problems in your head and these meds give you a good basis to start thinking better again. <3 All the luck!
About... what, five or six years ago? I was trying to get into art. At the time, I was younger and didn't understand that practice meant perfect. I would occasionally trace things because I was so desperate to have great art. I didn't want to spend the time to practice, because I was convinced I would never get better at it. Not me, never I. I thought I wouldn't ever be able to do great art....
And then I saw this post: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3127006/
This would have been whilst I was on a very much different account, and I believe I first saw it on Deviantart.
I was immediately inspired. I adored your work. I passionately loved it, and wanted to be able to practice and get as great as your work is to me. That day I threw out everything I had ever traced. I shredded most of it, so I couldn't change my mind and go back to pretend like it was mine again. I found the older images I had done, the ones I had traced, and I began to practice. All the time. Every day, most of every day. I spent the next two years just practicing my art.
Your work has been, since that day, so important to me. I have gone back, periodically, just to look at and admire it. I'm still practicing all the time. I still draw as much as I can -- though not for the 12+ hours a day that I did for those two years, which resulted in tendonitis. I still admire your work, I still admire your style.
I know that we have never spoken before, and therefore we are not friends...
But whatever happens, whatever you feel, please know that you are important.
You changed my life, just by posting that image. I sell my art now (rarely - I'm shy) and practice more all the time. I look forward to every chance I get to see your work. Let me tell you, I actually screamed when I saw that you were posting again. Scared the living hell outta my boyfriend and girlfriend. I was thrilled to see you back, no matter how shy I have ever been. I am glad that you are around.
If you ever need a friend, or even just someone to listen, I'm always open.
I'll be paying attention to the adoptables. The timezone difference is slippery as all hell. But I'll chip in if I can :)
Even if there is a bare minimal connection, every connection to people is precious to me. We'll all be here rooting for you.
I really appreciate that though, thank you. I'm glad to hear it.
Well now I know-- Regardless of which I hope you guys have a good trip and your bud gets their pills topped up soon without any hassles. x_o
Usually when people come off hormones they don't just stop all together, it's a gradual process that's usually monitored by their physician to avoid side affects as such.
Yeah that's definitely no good. I hope you guys get this sorted out and get a doctor closer to where you live now so they won't ever run out of their pills (shots?) ever again. .__.;;
I am so very sorry to hear that someone near to you broken you. I think all of us really know how that feels, and understand how it can send you spiraling into a dark place and more untrusting than ever. You'll heal, it'll take time, but you'll come out the better for it. ^^ Hang tough!
And I definitely hope you guys can make it to PA! If you are willing to take a donation, I'd be happy to send a little something your way to help out. :)
But that's so kind of you, I never really thought to ask for donations since I hate asking for help straight out in this nature ;; But If you are willing, my paypal is Roxeiyurame[at]aol.com if you'd like to send something our way. Thank you so much!
I can't wait to see you and Mickey and everything will get better..