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git gud
10 years ago
General
Sorry if I'm misusing FA journals as my personal blog.
When I open my notebook, I see reflections of myself. In the exact moment my eyes catch on the empty pages, I get to look back at me: there's absolutely nothing. Not that I would think that any other time but only when I could let it all out - therefore this feeling is nothing less from numbing.
I had such big hopes for this time, like always. My thought progress grows exponentially from the idea I once had when I run to the notebook (maybe search for it a while) and make sure I have the best ink pen with me (one that has been working plus is nice-looking).
From there it goes one of two ways:
1) I keep repeating the first sentences and by the time I have written the first words I forget how it was suppose to lead to anything. Loss of continuity, loss of interest.
2) I forget how I was supposed to start off, losing the will to even try. Focus is completely on TV quiz host, who always looks like gunpointed.
I lose the continuity just like I feel I lose it in life, generally.
It might sound nothing to be serious about, other than not being able to do what I really want to. I mean yeah, I could ask for help – I've even got a lot of help. Nothing can't however fix the reflection. It shows even now as I'm writing. This comes from the same brain where the image of my insecurities are burnt on.
I might not come off as insecure person but I'm still being judged solely on how this insecurity just hits at the wrong time. Having this stamp is similar to any other accusation that you know wrong. It's similar to this numbing feeling but the difference is between selfcaused and caused by others, which makes me blindly mad. And being numb is being defendless. At least I'm okay with being defendless against myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that want to be defendless, I'm just saying I'm okay with it. Well, at least more okay than any other way. Getting used to it is a end result which feels just so wrong.
When I open my notebook, I see reflections of myself. In the exact moment my eyes catch on the empty pages, I get to look back at me: there's absolutely nothing. Not that I would think that any other time but only when I could let it all out - therefore this feeling is nothing less from numbing.
I had such big hopes for this time, like always. My thought progress grows exponentially from the idea I once had when I run to the notebook (maybe search for it a while) and make sure I have the best ink pen with me (one that has been working plus is nice-looking).
From there it goes one of two ways:
1) I keep repeating the first sentences and by the time I have written the first words I forget how it was suppose to lead to anything. Loss of continuity, loss of interest.
2) I forget how I was supposed to start off, losing the will to even try. Focus is completely on TV quiz host, who always looks like gunpointed.
I lose the continuity just like I feel I lose it in life, generally.
It might sound nothing to be serious about, other than not being able to do what I really want to. I mean yeah, I could ask for help – I've even got a lot of help. Nothing can't however fix the reflection. It shows even now as I'm writing. This comes from the same brain where the image of my insecurities are burnt on.
I might not come off as insecure person but I'm still being judged solely on how this insecurity just hits at the wrong time. Having this stamp is similar to any other accusation that you know wrong. It's similar to this numbing feeling but the difference is between selfcaused and caused by others, which makes me blindly mad. And being numb is being defendless. At least I'm okay with being defendless against myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that want to be defendless, I'm just saying I'm okay with it. Well, at least more okay than any other way. Getting used to it is a end result which feels just so wrong.
