I’m really great at stressing myself out. I don’t know how I do it over and over again without learning, but I do. Maybe I’m just thick and suffer from something mentally. I’m just not good at being an adult. I struggle with money even though I live at home. I can’t do well in college, at least not well enough to please my parents. I have little friends and even greater difficulty making new ones. I feel pretty stuck in the quick sand and some days I think I’m sinking to a level I cannot rise from.

Dancing on the edge… dancing in that slim area between failure and not good enough. Not good enough means I still have some potential that just needs work, but once I fall to failure, I’m not sure how long life will have me. I want to say I’m depressed, but I’m not. I don’t take pills for it and can manage a smile a day and get my butt out of bed in the morning for work still. I can’t say with confidence that I’m happy either. I’m caught in that sine wave like most people between sad and happy and some kid is playing with the frequency knob.

I know some of my problems. I know some of my solutions. I, however, can’t seem to apply them and maybe help my direction in life. Am I going to bitch this entire journal? No. I am trying to change. I am trying to be better, but I believe people don’t change. I can’t expect much different for myself. I just need to find a way to fix me that plays to my strengths, to my habits.

You don’t want to hear about that though. That’s for me to figure out on my own time. How about something you might read and have it open your eyes a little bit.

The new year started recently. Hope you got your new calendar already or you’re wasting your money. I guess you don’t need a paper calendar anymore though. Your phone keeps one for you if you bother to look at it. Anyway, new calendar for the new year, all nice clean, untouched, blank. Blank. No record of anything before January 1st, 2015. No history, just full of present and future for the next year. Not too much unlike you all. You have your present, you have a future with some knowns, but is mostly unknown. Blank slates of days that could go great and you feel good or could go terrible and you get into an accident. It is out of your control, even the events you have planned have vulnerability to the unknown, positive or tragic.

What you have that no new calendar does is history. You have a past that makes you who you are. Maybe you think you are just the greatest person in the world and you feel good about yourself. If you think that, you are on some serious drugs and I want some from you, please. Maybe you think you are pretty terrible, worthless, and unfit for society. Something in your history made you feel that way today. Something in your history made you feel the way you do about yourself and what you are today and you can’t change that. Not today. That’s what resolutions are for, yeah? To tell yourself that you are going to wait for the new year and start with your blank calendar to change who you are for the next year… bullshit.

Why are you waiting for a new year? What is it about a new year that makes it “the time” to set resolutions about yourself and change? It’s cliché and nobody is buying it that you will change this time, this year. A resolution is a self-intervention or several of them and you tell yourself that you will take steps to make a change. If you have done that, you have likely failed in changing and staying changed. Now, think of an intervention with a group of friends and maybe family telling you that you need or should change. What is it that they can offer that you can’t do well by yourself? Offer support. Offer time. Offer advice. Help keep you on the track of improving yourself the way you want to be. Help check in to make sure you are still shooting for your goal.

You don’t need to wait for a new year to do this though. Interventions happen all year, not just the first days of the new one. If there is something that you want to change about yourself, don’t wait to do it. Make it happen as soon as possible. Help your chances of changing to the you that you want to work towards and get friends and family in on it and ask them for help. It they are truly your support group, they will help you with anything if it helps you become a better you.

Fuck I can’t keep a good train of thought going for very long. Anyway, hopefully someone gleans something valuable from that mess of nonsense and makes a change for the better. I’ll worry about my other thoughts elsewhere. This is no longer my place for passive thoughts of suicide, rage, anger, sadness, nothing. The community doesn’t need it. It already has too much of it. Anyway, later dweebs.

~Purple the Gryphon