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Feeling crazy, coming out, poetry, and fear of expression
10 years ago
(alternate subject: The tumbling of feelings (or, Everything))
Hey everyone.
Before we begin, I suggest you make your browser window smaller if you can, so the text refits itself so there's less words per line. It will look less intimidating, trust me. I apologize that there isn't a brief, succinct summary. It's more necessary to read through the entire thing to get the message. Now...
I know I don't really have much of a voice on Fur Affinity, but I usually don't make these kinds of sad journals. Usually I'm more of a reserved person because I don't like talking about myself (though you wouldn't know it by the number of I's in this journal, hehe), but I need to get some things off my chest.
I haven't been active on Fur Affinity very much lately. I've been more on e926 instead, but the community just isn't as... heartwarming.
I've been on and off with the fandom since I considered myself a part of it. When I started checking Fur Affinity and Inkbunny again in autumn of 2014, it felt like something was wrong with me. I felt depressed and generally alone, and the fact that I took some solace in the latter was extremely concerning because that just seems disturbing to me (I don't know how else to describe it). It felt like I was going crazy because I was finding ways to identify with my species (which I'd chosen as more of a joke until I found one that fit my personality better) that felt made up---or maybe a better way to describe them would be improvised or on the spot---to the point of wanting to believe I had a physical connection with it. At one point I wasn't even thinking about whether it was scientifically possible to wake up transformed into my character or a feral raccoon somehow, just that I would be content being alone as one.
Thinking back on it now, I think my problem was that coming back made me realize just how lonely I felt in real life being a furry. The term almost feels like a bad word. It felt like coming out as one would mean having to explain everything about it, because interested people could search for "furry fandom" on the Internet and find explicit material no one wants them to find. Putting a spin on it and only mentioning the good parts felt wrong, because I saw that as only addressing part of the issue. I figured that family or friends who already knew what it was would be forced to tolerate it if they felt uncomfortable about that or costuming or something, which only makes me feel bad because now I feel as though I'm doing something wrong.
That's how I felt in high school: trapped. I felt like my friends couldn't possibly understand the whole issue, so they were pushed away as I kept digging myself a deeper hole. It got so bad that all I wanted to do was to find someone that would understand how I felt, and I think I did. They were like me, meaning anxious, to talk about it. We'd get on Skype and talk about computers, games, and other things, but whenever the fandom came up in a conversation, they'd avoid saying words like "furry" and "FA" and type them out instead, running with the theme that they're bad words. (Maybe they did that because they knew I was anxious about it? I don't know.) Maybe they'll read this at some point.
I've never really had an interest in creative writing out of how stressed writing makes me feel (constant revisions over drafts means constant burnouts). That's why my creative outlet feels so strange: poetry. We were required to write poems for senior year English in high school, and the feedback I got from the professor was good. (Whether or not they meant it, I don't know.) But does anyone actually read the poetry here? I tend to think submissions other than artwork are buried down the main page enough for most people to not want to take the effort and scroll down there (I'm guilty of that, for sure), so I'm worried about not being heard by anyone. I also worry that those who read it will be snobs and grill me for clearly not knowing the rules of poetry or something similar, but I'm fed up with thinking that people will insult me if I express myself.
I spent my childhood acting older around people because I'd wanted to impress them, thinking that if I express myself as someone that acted more youthful than others, like how I was treated at home---no, do anything that'd put me on a map---then I'd end up embarrassed. I was, and to some extent still am, scared of being critiqued with something as innocent as someone not understanding what ever the subject is to receiving some sort of disguised response that spells "you're a freak" as though I don't understand social cues. All that ended up doing was make me skip over my childhood, because my personality turned reserved and boring, and later on bitter. I want both back, and I think that's part of why I came back. I want to be reprogrammed.
My first class starts at 9:30 this morning. Now, I'm signed up for a creative writing class at E.C.S.U. (not until Friday, though), which should help, but I have, ironically enough, a programming job. Those sides of the brain don't mix easily I've learned, although I've been working on switching between the creative and logical sides of the brain since high school with mixed success.
I said this before, but I know I'm not a popular person on Fur Affinity. However, there are a few people watching me at least, and hopefully a few that check and read their journals. (Sorry if that last part sounds condescending, but skipping over journals is something else I'm guilty of.) So, do you think that publishing poems (here, anyway) would be worth it?
Also, even though I've said a lot that people might not want to comment on, I sincerely hope you guys read through it and do. People might not realize that their comments can be about something other than just answering the poetry question. Really, even if you're shy or anxious like me and you think that somehow your comment will turn everything to absolute shit, even it has to do with the crazy paragraph, please leave it anyways, because it won't.
Thanks for reading.
Hey everyone.
Before we begin, I suggest you make your browser window smaller if you can, so the text refits itself so there's less words per line. It will look less intimidating, trust me. I apologize that there isn't a brief, succinct summary. It's more necessary to read through the entire thing to get the message. Now...
I know I don't really have much of a voice on Fur Affinity, but I usually don't make these kinds of sad journals. Usually I'm more of a reserved person because I don't like talking about myself (though you wouldn't know it by the number of I's in this journal, hehe), but I need to get some things off my chest.
I haven't been active on Fur Affinity very much lately. I've been more on e926 instead, but the community just isn't as... heartwarming.
I've been on and off with the fandom since I considered myself a part of it. When I started checking Fur Affinity and Inkbunny again in autumn of 2014, it felt like something was wrong with me. I felt depressed and generally alone, and the fact that I took some solace in the latter was extremely concerning because that just seems disturbing to me (I don't know how else to describe it). It felt like I was going crazy because I was finding ways to identify with my species (which I'd chosen as more of a joke until I found one that fit my personality better) that felt made up---or maybe a better way to describe them would be improvised or on the spot---to the point of wanting to believe I had a physical connection with it. At one point I wasn't even thinking about whether it was scientifically possible to wake up transformed into my character or a feral raccoon somehow, just that I would be content being alone as one.
Thinking back on it now, I think my problem was that coming back made me realize just how lonely I felt in real life being a furry. The term almost feels like a bad word. It felt like coming out as one would mean having to explain everything about it, because interested people could search for "furry fandom" on the Internet and find explicit material no one wants them to find. Putting a spin on it and only mentioning the good parts felt wrong, because I saw that as only addressing part of the issue. I figured that family or friends who already knew what it was would be forced to tolerate it if they felt uncomfortable about that or costuming or something, which only makes me feel bad because now I feel as though I'm doing something wrong.
That's how I felt in high school: trapped. I felt like my friends couldn't possibly understand the whole issue, so they were pushed away as I kept digging myself a deeper hole. It got so bad that all I wanted to do was to find someone that would understand how I felt, and I think I did. They were like me, meaning anxious, to talk about it. We'd get on Skype and talk about computers, games, and other things, but whenever the fandom came up in a conversation, they'd avoid saying words like "furry" and "FA" and type them out instead, running with the theme that they're bad words. (Maybe they did that because they knew I was anxious about it? I don't know.) Maybe they'll read this at some point.
I've never really had an interest in creative writing out of how stressed writing makes me feel (constant revisions over drafts means constant burnouts). That's why my creative outlet feels so strange: poetry. We were required to write poems for senior year English in high school, and the feedback I got from the professor was good. (Whether or not they meant it, I don't know.) But does anyone actually read the poetry here? I tend to think submissions other than artwork are buried down the main page enough for most people to not want to take the effort and scroll down there (I'm guilty of that, for sure), so I'm worried about not being heard by anyone. I also worry that those who read it will be snobs and grill me for clearly not knowing the rules of poetry or something similar, but I'm fed up with thinking that people will insult me if I express myself.
I spent my childhood acting older around people because I'd wanted to impress them, thinking that if I express myself as someone that acted more youthful than others, like how I was treated at home---no, do anything that'd put me on a map---then I'd end up embarrassed. I was, and to some extent still am, scared of being critiqued with something as innocent as someone not understanding what ever the subject is to receiving some sort of disguised response that spells "you're a freak" as though I don't understand social cues. All that ended up doing was make me skip over my childhood, because my personality turned reserved and boring, and later on bitter. I want both back, and I think that's part of why I came back. I want to be reprogrammed.
My first class starts at 9:30 this morning. Now, I'm signed up for a creative writing class at E.C.S.U. (not until Friday, though), which should help, but I have, ironically enough, a programming job. Those sides of the brain don't mix easily I've learned, although I've been working on switching between the creative and logical sides of the brain since high school with mixed success.
I said this before, but I know I'm not a popular person on Fur Affinity. However, there are a few people watching me at least, and hopefully a few that check and read their journals. (Sorry if that last part sounds condescending, but skipping over journals is something else I'm guilty of.) So, do you think that publishing poems (here, anyway) would be worth it?
Also, even though I've said a lot that people might not want to comment on, I sincerely hope you guys read through it and do. People might not realize that their comments can be about something other than just answering the poetry question. Really, even if you're shy or anxious like me and you think that somehow your comment will turn everything to absolute shit, even it has to do with the crazy paragraph, please leave it anyways, because it won't.
Thanks for reading.
To begin with, yes, poetry is a much under viewed writing medium in this community. But this can be helped! The main groups you want to check out is the
Both of these groups have a solid community like Furry Musicians, and you're sure to find your roots at these two locations. I highly recommend you check them out.
So, you want to write poetry...
One trick people have used in the past to get their poetry out there is collaboration. Get in touch with an artist or musician who's decent at their craft and propose a collaboration of sorts (write some sort of inspirational poetry that inspires or goes with their song or art piece). Remember, don't be shy! We're all furries here, and one of the best things about this community is that even though some have many watchers, and others have few, we're all in the same boat, and we all like the same thing... anthropomorphics! Where we have foxes and wolves, behind the sona could be a lawyer or a garbage man. It doesn't matter here.
Just keep that in mind... it took me a while to realize this so I want to make sure you don't have to haul time to come to the same conclusion.
Another way to get your poetry out there is through constancy, as it's through this consistency that you create a niche around you... a group of people that like poetry (yours, specifically). Once you have that niche, interact with them as much as possible with collaboration and tips and also, most importantly, reading what they have to offer and providing feedback/encouragement!
Those are the two main ways I can think of... well, three if you include the Furry Writer's directory and the guild but those are almost an essential first step!
If you want to gain some knowledge on how to talk with someone about furries, ask me in the response.
In the meantime... I hope I could help, E1337ist.
~Puppy
There are a few poets on here that write very well, although I haven't looked at everyone's work. I'll definitely need to check out the writer's directory and the guild though, thank you!
To tell you the truth, I've never actually thought about collaboration before, at least not anything involving poetry. That would probably help to gather a greater audience, especially with a visual piece. Hopefully it'll help establish some friendly relationships, too. Thank you for the advice on approaching people, as well! (Definitely one of those things that needs improvement...)
The issue with constancy though is that I would probably need to find a writing style first. I'm not sure if I have one yet, at least not one that I'm conscious of, but it would probably come more naturally with getting out there and taking inspiration from what others have done.
Getting and giving feedback and encouragement are essential to all of these, just... often difficult to do.
Thank you for your help and recommendations!