I feel compelled at this time to comment on the last couple of uploads I did of scans of traditional media art done for me by Daphne Lage. Its hard to believe at long last the project I had contemplated 6 months ago is finally at an end. There were two pieces that never occurred for various reasons but overall I think the images I had commissioned spoke well to the various things I felt at the time. Those were various forms of love and affections and hopeful, wishful interaction with someone. An idealized love and relationship that was never meant to be or even could be. One in which my elated and fanciful emotion crashed into a pathetic reality that resulted in much pain on both sides. I accept all blame for that. I thought, perhaps foolishly so, that you can change first impressions people have about you. I know better now. That's wrong, I actually knew that before. I simply let feeling of heart throbbing love blind me to my logic and experience. So I had art made trying embody my affection, to try and show that I was not crass or shallow or retarded of intellect. But in my attempts to do so, where words failed me, I sought to try and make my meaning better understood through my inner imagination, fleshed out in the form of all the works I had commissioned. Hence my gallery being filled with so many similar character studies and scenes. Beautiful in their renderings of the object of passion. They belie the emotional toll that I realize this has taken on me.

When I got a hold of the physical prints of the final scene today, I felt both elated and tired. That which I had started I finished for practical purposes. My worry about not seeing this thing through is at an end. Even if the original purpose became a moot exercise some time ago. I also feel some sense of resigned relief that I can go to some final rest in the future knowing I had a part in creating a lasting beauty. A beauty which I think many people will delight in and appreciate even if they do not understand the motivations behind their creation or the hopes they embodied. That gives my spirit some small comfort, and I've had precious little comfort in my life.

Having completed the project is my misdirected love and affection expiated? To some degree perhaps, but the heart still aches at times. I dream about her less, but still worry about her future well being. So perhaps there is no real sense of closure to my emotions, with the closure of my project of love. I can live with that at least a short time. I still try to bring closure in other ways, some of them very painful to me, perhaps painful to her in the abstract. As beautiful as the portraits turned out, they were sadly misguided. I doubt forgiveness can ever come. Because forgiveness requires understanding, of which I was incapable of engendering. Time heals all wounds on both sides hopefully, including those inflicted by me on another, and those I inflicted upon myself. So even as I look at the art and in some cases hold it in my hands I will always be hit by the dualistic emotions or regret and joy they make me feel.

So much for projects born of love. On to the next phase of life.