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heavy sigh [long rant about my life...??]
10 years ago
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I really want to reinvent myself.
I've gone under the name of Sukee for many, MANY years. Going on 13 I believe. In the beginning, Sukee was one of the first OC's I ever made (see this horrible drawing: https://gyazo.com/bdd16ec4d79e7d96d50ae9f73a2691f3 she's the redhead )
And she was really dear to me. She was the second OC I ever made, Tyson being the first (he's the one in the backwards hat in the drawing)
My time on deviantArt was great, that's where I first started posting my artwork online, and thats when I adopted the username Sukee, and people started calling me Sukee, it was really cool. I begun to love the online world.
It was just up until a couple years ago actually that I begun to hate the username.
I joined a roleplay group on DeviantArt which is where I met many of my fantastic friends, and even Toby. It was the best thing in my life, and I still get emotional over memories of it. It eventually came to an end, as all good things do. But towards the end there I made some friends who weren't necessarily the best influence. One got incredibly jealous that I roleplayed the characters I did with her with other people, one was very manipulative, and the other was very back-stabby. I never noticed at the time how un-cool they were, but I sorrowly regret it now. I don't talk to any of them anymore, but they really changed me for the worse, and I became a huge asshole. All of my friends I made in the beginning I drifted away from, and I'm slowly trying to rekindle those friendships, but I burned some bridges.
I felt my username was a bit tainted, because the Sukee I was, definitely wasn't the Sukee I had become. I became reclusive, and avoided the internet as much as possible. I stuck to video games and got really depressed being locked indoors all the time. My sister who I was living with at the time, told me she thought I should get a new start by moving out, and try socializing. I ended up moving in with one of my highschool friends, and they really boosted me back up, but I always felt a little uncomfortable living with them, since I was basically just squatting, and I didn't pay rent. I felt bad. That's when I met Toby. He was a friend of the manipulative friend of mine, who I was unfortunately still friends with at the time, and the three of us agreed to meet up in person. While I was better friends with the one and not Toby, when I met them in person I instantly became attached to Toby. He was just.... more my type of person. Maybe it was because we were both reclusive back then.
Anyways, after a few months, I moved out of my friends house and in with Toby and his friend. Though, his friend didn't actually live there, so I kinda took his place lol So Toby and I begun living together, being dorks and playing video games together, and I begun to get my social butterfly back. I still talked with my bad-influence friends, and it wasn't until I moved out with Toby back into my sister's that I realized how shitty they were. They started showing their true colors, and I eventually stopped talking to them. I grew depressed again, because now I really had no friends, except for Toby and my sister.
I still haven't really gotten my groove back yet. I used to be the first one to initiate conversations, and now I wait for people to talk to me, or I don't talk at all. I'm so afraid to meet new people, because I feel like I might be that asshole again.
Time went on, and I started drawing for Furaffinity. My step-sister welcomed me, as she too was on this site, and she told me about a few of her friends, and I watched all of them, as I really admired their art. And I wanted to better myself, so what better way to do that then to surround myself with them?
A few of them followed me back as well, which I thought was great at the time but I soon learned what a bad idea that was. See I wanted to be a different person online than I was in person. As most people do. You're not cool in real life, so lets become cool on the internet, right? Well since most of them knew me in person, they begun to lash out at me for some of the things I said online. I got defensive, they kept attacking.
Even right now, I don't even remember how it started. But all of a sudden, I felt like my step-sister and all her friends were out to get me. I was mortified, and really hurt. I looked up to all of them, and suddenly they all hated me. I grew even more depressed, hated my artwork and hated myself. It was a really hard time, since I felt like no one was on my side.
Things eventually levelled out, they stopped attacking me, and I went my own way. Toby made a journal talking about my/our hardships and mentioned my step sister and one of their friends, and it all came spiralling down again, with them attacking me. I said some really hurtful things in return, because I was scared, angry, and hurt. It was eventually relayed to my dad and step-mom, and I told them the things that had been going on, but I don't know if they really supported or believed me, but it doesn't really matter.
Since then I haven't spoken to my step-sister, or her friends. Which is really nice for me, because that was painful. And I still get all boiled up when I see them or their art anywhere.
But.... all that together made me really hate my past 13 years as Sukee. The name has so much shoved into it now, it's hard to breathe.
I tried switching to Toronbo, to make a fresh start, but I got consumed by my watchers on this account, and didn't want to lose that, so I kind of fizzled away from it.
I think once I finish my commissions here, I'm going to completely reinvent myself. Recreate myself under a new image and a new name. Something that... maybe reflects me a little bit more, instead of something that reflected a character I so desperately wanted to be.
I'll of course let you all know what that is when and if it happens.
Anyways, I thought you all maybe would want to know my history (or not?????), so here it all is (mostly).
To my old ToyStore friends who might read this, I formerly apologize for being a major asshole. I miss you all terribly, and I hope I can make amends and befriend you all once again.
To future friends, thank you!
I'm disabling comments on this, because if you want to talk to me about something, I'd rather it be in private! Note me if you want to say hi, if you want to console, or whatever lol
Comment posting has been disabled by the journal owner.
