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Growing In The Mystery
10 years ago
(Disclaimer: there are many different strands and traditions in Gnosticism and other systems with similar beliefs, such as Buddhism. When reading about my experiences remember that YMMV).
When I received baptism, I essentially agreed that I would make a sincere effort to turn my thoughts in the direction of Christian mysteries as viewed through a Gnostic lens.
Even so, one of the things about our modern age is that it's an age where doubt is considered the default, and I've had my share of it in my life. Doubt kept me from being too involved in anything like this before; ultimately, it took a longing stronger than doubt- a longing to integrate my spiritual life more firmly and completely into my everyday life- to get me to jump in and actually try joining a Gnostic church.
I had felt for a while after my baptism that not much had changed, though; I'd certainly felt a lightness at the actual moment of baptism but I wasn't sure.
But during the week of my baptism I had been seriously depressed, to the point where I was verging on suicidal. Usually only a complete disengagement from everything I'm doing can help me, but I've been unable to disengage.
Then this past Sunday, I noticed I felt more receptive to that sense of timelessness that comes with the mass. I suddenly understood the mass and its parts a little better, as if all this time going there has finally started to sink in.
Then Monday, while dealing with some errands related to my grad school application, I came to a point where it seemed possible that my BA might be invalid. All I could do was leave my contact info and wait for an answer.
On the bus home, I suddenly felt a sense of calm that I'd never really felt before, like I was completely emotionally detached from the outcome of my efforts. It was as if my depression simply ceased to be for a moment as I sat there, so I made the most of it. I cultivated that and let it grow.
Then today, I reaped the result of that calm: I finished my grad school application. I made the final push and now I am taking the next few days to meditate as intensively as my schedule will allow so that I can be prepared for whatever happens from here.
Something did change at my baptism. I've become stronger, more capable of finding tranquility in moments when there really isn't anything I can do. And whether that comes from me or from a higher power, I'll take it because the tranquility, at least, is as real as anything I've ever felt. I can understand intuitively now why those who find this mystery feel as if a holy spirit were suddenly residing within them because that's exactly what it feels like: being host to a benign symbiote that reproduces memetically and melds with you and everything you are and makes it complete.
I'm impressed, actually. Doubt still has some hold on me but it's becoming less relevant as the experience speaks for itself. There's clearly been a positive change so I'm going to keep at it and see how far it goes.
When I received baptism, I essentially agreed that I would make a sincere effort to turn my thoughts in the direction of Christian mysteries as viewed through a Gnostic lens.
Even so, one of the things about our modern age is that it's an age where doubt is considered the default, and I've had my share of it in my life. Doubt kept me from being too involved in anything like this before; ultimately, it took a longing stronger than doubt- a longing to integrate my spiritual life more firmly and completely into my everyday life- to get me to jump in and actually try joining a Gnostic church.
I had felt for a while after my baptism that not much had changed, though; I'd certainly felt a lightness at the actual moment of baptism but I wasn't sure.
But during the week of my baptism I had been seriously depressed, to the point where I was verging on suicidal. Usually only a complete disengagement from everything I'm doing can help me, but I've been unable to disengage.
Then this past Sunday, I noticed I felt more receptive to that sense of timelessness that comes with the mass. I suddenly understood the mass and its parts a little better, as if all this time going there has finally started to sink in.
Then Monday, while dealing with some errands related to my grad school application, I came to a point where it seemed possible that my BA might be invalid. All I could do was leave my contact info and wait for an answer.
On the bus home, I suddenly felt a sense of calm that I'd never really felt before, like I was completely emotionally detached from the outcome of my efforts. It was as if my depression simply ceased to be for a moment as I sat there, so I made the most of it. I cultivated that and let it grow.
Then today, I reaped the result of that calm: I finished my grad school application. I made the final push and now I am taking the next few days to meditate as intensively as my schedule will allow so that I can be prepared for whatever happens from here.
Something did change at my baptism. I've become stronger, more capable of finding tranquility in moments when there really isn't anything I can do. And whether that comes from me or from a higher power, I'll take it because the tranquility, at least, is as real as anything I've ever felt. I can understand intuitively now why those who find this mystery feel as if a holy spirit were suddenly residing within them because that's exactly what it feels like: being host to a benign symbiote that reproduces memetically and melds with you and everything you are and makes it complete.
I'm impressed, actually. Doubt still has some hold on me but it's becoming less relevant as the experience speaks for itself. There's clearly been a positive change so I'm going to keep at it and see how far it goes.
