I've got so much to say it's a bit daunting...but since I have more motivation now than the last few weeks I think it's time I began to speak my mind again. To be honest with you all, there isn't a whole lot of good I have to say. You have been warned.

I've come about in a very unusual way this year with school back in session and I've been doing new things at my job. I live day to day per usual but recently I have also been doing a lot of reflecting on my life. I wouldn't say it's like soul searching...maybe just a little I guess. But more like dredging up the events that led to where I am right now. Been thinking a lot about how much I'm ready to be done with school too, and how much I just want to break free from my parents like I've mentioned so many times before.

It's a really awkward phase I'm going through and sometimes it can really get me down. Motivation is probably the hardest part of it all. I have been asking myself so much more than ever before if I made the right choice leaving CA to study here in Nevada. I was so excited in the beginning when I first got my acceptance letter to UNLV. It was like a fresh start where I could make new friends and study towards a major I was genuinely interested in. And so far...I've barely made any friends, I always feel like meh, and I miss home now more than ever. The thrill is gone and now I'm clawing my way through the muck to achieve this milestone degree for myself. Top that off with loneliness and a bad outlook each day it it really starts to wear on you. Hell, I even ask myself what the hell is wrong with me. Is college not supposed to be at the height of your social life? The few people I have managed to befriend are well...not the same as the friends as back home. Everything feels conditional and so un-genuine or flat out fake.

And what do I even say about work? It's there...and I do it...and I get my compensation and call it a day (which is always followed by homework...yay). It don't help my matters at school, it just helps me get experience under my belt and money in my wallet. It's not a bad job, don't get me wrong about that, but it's something that can drain you emotionally. And if you have ever worked and done school at the same time you know that burnout is always something that you worry about. Shoot, I could be on burnout right now and the semester isn't even half-way done yet. XD So yeah, it's a mega pain in the ass and it'll probably shave a few years off of my life from the stress of it all. My weight and my diet are also out of hand, and I'm struggling to make that a priority as well.

Least we forget about my insane mother who always manages to throw that extra bit of salt on my wounds. Not intentionally sometimes, but it's enough to either make me really angry or a bit depressed. Once school ends so will that circle of bullshit between her and I.

And that just about sums up my life right now in a nut shell. I wish there was a way to be more optimistic about how things are going...and I guess in the grand scheme of things it looks great on paper. But inside I'm a wreck. I don't want the shit to hit the fan but I've been holding it all together for 4 weeks into the semester and sometimes all I want to do is bawl my eyes out and stay in bed. Talk about a thorn in my damn pride. Just thinking about myself getting like that annoys me.

So anyway, I'll push on like I always have and hope that things start looking better soon.