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Late night Wednesday morning rant because Stress = 100%
9 years ago
Phew. Alright, I'm posting this so I can shout this all out in a crowd and feel like I really expressed my negativity to someone. Imagine me poking my head into a room and yelling this all, then vanishing. Like, shhhhhh, lemme quietly get this out.
I got friends. Boy do I got a bunch'a friends. Let's spell 'em out.
Most of 'em don't know my real name.
Some of them haven't spoke to me in months.
Some of them appeared when I offered free art, chatted with my til I drew it, and vanished after the sketch was sent-- That shit hurt my self-esteem.
Some of them only speak to me when I'm online in a specific game.
Some of them have role-played with me twice.
Some draw with me. We've done art, likely twice, and that concluded our conversation.
Some invited me to group chats. Those groups are long gone, but I once felt a part of a gathering at some point.
Some randomly run into me. "Oh! Hey! It's been forever!"
These friends are fleeting, and I've grown used to it. I don't invest time into them.
Then, I got friends who're closer.
Some chat with me very often, but I type the same sentence three ways to ensure I don't lose 'em.
They'd send a hello everyone once in awhile.
We've roleplayed for a year or more.
Some tease me. Not once- Not twice. I can't go a conversation without lashing out at them for flustering me.
A few give me tips about my drawings, and pat my back often. "Dude, that's freakin' sweet. Draw more of thaaaat!"
Some know my real name.
I've invested so much time into the second category, and... It tears me a bit when they, disappoint me.
They do nothing wrong, oh no, but they don't do it completely right either.
If I were asked, "Karlos, who is your best online friend?", I couldn't give an answer. I've thrown in towel on a lot of them.
KDBT fantasies:
I'll say, "I want an art.", and they'll say, "I drew this stick figure on MSpaint just for you.", because I'd do the same.
I'll say, "Smash bros is the shit" and they'll say, "I got my fuckin' Ds on right now. Come catch these hands."
I'll say, "I'm bored.", and they'll say, "*Gropes you.*"
And then we'll laugh-- And possible flesh that 1-shot roleplay into some plotline about a blind mole who falls in love with a tree, and we'll categorize the tree as male because it only has 2 holes and then I'll draw that shit and they'll write that shit and we'll fuckin' ship it on FA SO DAMN HAAAARD.
Or just, ask what Kinda music do I listen too? I got 365 skype contacts, and (had) 1215 mp3 files downloaded. I can give you all 3 and make you go "WHAT ARTIST IS THIS" I SWEAR. Then we'd talk about Art/Internet/Community/Games/RlIssues for an hour or so.
No one just, reaches my expectations of a bff. I don't feel like, syncs me up with their priorities. Sounds like I'm looking for a boyfriend-- But I swear this should be easier then looking for a boyfriend (*Wink wink hint nudge awkward-attempt-to-bat-eyes*).
I just, have all these friends, but I don't have a best friend. A bud who would invest as much time as me as I would them. A friend who'd stop multitasking to socialize with 'lil ol me. And I get it, I'm not worth it. That's not an insult, I get that I'm not worth 'Best friend' title to a lot of people. We don't have the same interest. We can't find anything to talk about because our personalities don't mesh. Nigga can't speak fuckin' english-- Or maybe I'm not interesting enough. I get that-- BITCH FUCK YOU, I'M DA BEST!
Hah. So, that's my rant. It's scary. The friends who are putting the effort in these days... I feel like, they want something from me. Isn't the nasty AF? I've been denied so much, that once I'm getting a little interest, I get suspicious of it? Like, if I give into their attention, they'll get that sketch they want, and vanish again.
And to those friends, from way early past... The ones, I've known for years, who just, haven't spoken to me in years, or just, don't respond to me, or we could'a had it crazy rollin' in the deep but you abandoned ship and left me rollin' like rolling girl? Dis for you: https://www.google.com/search?q=fli.....9PDh0Q_AUIBigB
Okay. How do I end this. Um. I once slept with two different male strangers within' 24 hours of each other. Both invited me to Watch a movie and chill but holy shit CHILL DOES NOT MEAN CHILL. CHILL=GROPE THE KDBT!
I've been wanting to tell that to a online friend for years but feared they'd judge me but Idgaf now
lmfao shit is lit! 
But it's fine. I know you prob have a million and one people who asked you for sketches, got em, and left. I probably made you feel like shit because I was one of those people, too. I'm sorry for that.
But hey, listen, don't sell yourself out to be less than you are. You're a great guy who only wants to make people happy at your own expense. Don't let people step on you. It'll probably take quite a few people before you find those you can call "best friends" but I know someone like you can find 'em.
Well sorry that your friends suck, mine do too. i send my <3's
But you are a great guy, and you bring a lot of happiness to a lot of people, you were fun to talk to when we had the chance. Just keep trying to grow, as a person, as an artist, as a friend to many people. But I want to wish you the best in everything.
Other then that, I know those pains to feel like that where instead your pushed to draw requests of people wanting the same stuff then those who won't care, as well with the same feels of not being able to make it from being too busy. I don't like hearing people abusing and using, they need to understand as to how dedicated of artists we can be as well of being friends too. Were not your pig or art slave, we draw because its fun and meaningful to those who well deserve it. Kind of why I made a policy for those who want free art is to be loved and happy.
If you have a Skype account, KDBT. I'm happy to give you an add!
I can't really be a friend on Skype like I want to anymore, because of the 9/5 job but I feels for yous. Everyone I try to connect with lives in the twilight zone, I mean a different time zone. Where are my east coast peeps at eh. And the only really good friend I had that I could say anything to is kind of distant atm :/
As I see it, you're playing yourself. Probably because of insecurity.
Like, you want to be this cool leader type that people look up to and want to be close to. But at the same time you distance yourself
from those that actually try to get close. It's not a bad trait really, I'd say it's healthy to a certain extent.
But when you actually want to really feel close to someone without there being any ulterior motives or it having to become a romance
just let them in... or something.
This is just my very limited perception of the situation and I hope you'll be able to find that bestie cause
I honestly think you'd be worth it and I know that you are indeed admired for being you. Skills or no skills, people like you.
I can say I kind of relate. The more Skype contacts you have, the harder it is to see everyone. Its really tough, and I understand that.
I hope you'll be aright, and I really hope that you will find someone who can be a best friend buddy of yours. We've talked before, you are a cool dude, and a nice guy always wanting me to not stay up every time we chatted and go to bed xD
You are also really talented. You have a great OC and draw some pretty damn awesome muscle and body poses. Personally to me, I am inspired. I want to draw more like you do. I am still working on my skills, they are not as developed as I wish they were. I've certainly improved of course, but this stuff takes lots of time.
I never have purposefully invested strong energy into our conversations, guilty as charged. I've certainly fantasized about drawing or playing with your main OC, but then never really actually put effort into doing it in a timely manner, always just something I'll get to.
I know that real relationships of any caliber involve deep investments into each other by both people. So while you do have to do your share of the work, so does the other person.
All in all, keep being you and the right people will come. You will also get a lot of fans, I guess you just have to filter them all and decide who you like and/or want to have closer than just a person who likes what you draw, or wants to bang your character(s).
I hope you figure it out, and now that I've said all this, I hope I put more effort into drawing your dude, cause he is intimidating in the best way, although if I recall correctly, also a nice hugger.
Peace.