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rant
9 years ago
this is my personal account, if you are looking for my commissioned artwork its on the account neex
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so fucking tired of this guy i mean i am just so happy he is not my problem.
But I'm sorry, I am not the same little girl anymore. I'm not as sweet as I used to be, infact, I have been given enough reason to turn a total bitch.
im starting this story with my previous ex.
bout 2 years ago me and my bro were dating 2 different guys and the 4 of us decided to move into this apartment i loved it there i enjoyed spending time to keep it clean, but i do no like doing dishes, i had made arrangment to do everyone's laundry instead but plans fell through so there were some arguments tensions were high between me and my ex call him moose, because i can be rude in my tone of voice when i am not trying to be. I'm not insulting or demanding unless i have reason, but sometimes I don't care to be kind.
Eventually it was like screaming matches for no reason i mean i was like 20 he was 18 i thought i helped him out a lot but hey argument peaked when i said "I'll pay you back for my windsheild," to his response "I'd rather smash your windsheild" (trying to be all scarey too) I just was like oh, really? walked away and waited. he just kinda sat on the couch being a grump not talking to me.
and thats when the infj does something called 'door slamming' i mean ive slammed doors in my day but there is a metaphorical door and basically this time the door closed very very slowly and quietly and i decided to consult with my friends online about the situation and yeah, everyone agreed that was pretty fucked up for him to say that. I gave him some quiet time to think about it. an hour or two he did not say a word. Mentally i was packing my things, like retreating so far back. My heart was locked up so tight. And soon as i started talking to him i was like "hey, how is it ever acceptable to smash someone's property?" I didnt get an apology that day so I told him "hey, you have one week. ONE WEEK TO GET ANGER MANAGEMENT DUDE. Just go when you are at school.... But days go by im so tired of this guy. when i close that door i am heartless... He left for school and ditched me with his dog AGAIN and i had to find and pay someone to dog sit within 30 minutes before i went to work. So basically I was like texting him that day "Find yourself a new apartment, get the fuck out, go find yourself a new girlfriend,"
I come home from work like 4 hours later and all his stuff was gone.
I was happy honestly, relief was my first reaction... I was like, good riddance, I called my mom and told her about it.
I would have been fine if my neighbor didn't come out and talk to me and try to say it was all my fault.
I went back in my house started having panic attacks trying to calm down, never thought my nails could be so sharp but my whole legs were messed up when I was going into fetal position. I would have been fine if i didnt start trying to text him of course. I started screaming in my room and sweating and crying saying 'its not my fault', over and over again like the words were going to solidify what i believed to be true. But the infj validates the truth from those around them.
I would have been fine if i didnt grab a knife, and honestly, would have been fine cause I always felt cutting seemed so useless and pointless. Maybe at the time I would take the blame and change it.. I would have been fine with just a cut or two to punish myself i guess. I had convinced so many people not to cut themselves at least a hundred times before, and I knew i was breaking my own morals, not just my skin. I had finally caved and done it myself for the first time. And maybe at that moment I would have let myself lower my standards to all new depths even though the only self harm I've ever done was neglectful eating. It was when i was sitting on the couch, hysterical and decided probably the best thing to do is just cry it out cuts or no cuts i still have just as many problems. I couldnt understand the emotion i felt i looked up and saw my cupboard door, open, and the inside door my friends obituary. Someone who nobody ever got to say goodbye to, killed in a hit and run at 16 just months earlier.
I know you can never blame someone for cutting yourself, and its something you can never take the blame for someone else. I have always felt it is something you simply can't control in a person. I have never acted on the urge to cut again, and i certainly hope my future self wouldn't wish to die for anyone. I hope i'll be strong enough to raise teenagers of my own.
I don't know if he ever said sorry or try to take back what he said. Probably, but I would have had so little respect for him that I would still be mad. His friends texted me threatening to take the doors off my car if i didnt pay him back for the windshield. I said that's funny, he didnt report his credit card missing or stolen but if you look right on the same bank statement like 2 weeks earlier i had helped him make a payment much larger than the windsheild. He literally lived in my neighbours apartment... So basically one day i walk out of my apartment and his friends are there saying theyre going to punch me or something as they go to my parking space only to find my car was in the shop :D trollface!
so literally right outside my door hes having a smoke 5 times a night... Tell me that doesnt give you social anxiety... I tried to take it back and be his friend, told him id take all the blame, but he didn't respond to my text messages anymore. Oh well
I was trying to be happy single, although felt abandoned, for a few more months then I started seeing this guy.. chops
at first there was no promise for relationship i was fine with that but then basically day 1 i stay at his place and i come back everyday for the next 4 months until he moved into my apartment. 2 weeks after moving in he becomes ill and loses his union job welding. I was pretty happy but about 4 months go by and for his birthday i got him a 'birthday present' with me and my friend. it didnt take 3 weeks before he says he loves her........ wtf.
I obviously slammed the door right away. I was freaking out, like dude get a fucking uhaul for real like fucking call your mom get the fuck out of here!
guess
what
he doesnt
he thinks we broke up
we still sleep together COME ON
i come home from work have a shower and hes kissing some OTHER girl on my bed
i was very upset but i didnt get mad, (that trash can have him) i sat down on the bed i was like hey
girl
i want you to look around this apartment
the tv, the ps3, the tables, the dresser the couches.. the dining room set.. the carpets.. the curtains...
are all my things
you
are in my house, not his
I just want you to be straight up with me right now, what is going on
she just has some shit eating grin and says nothing is going on
she actually gives 0 fucks, shes sitting there with a belly top and CLEARLY like 6 months pregnant.
I was like hey, dont you think i should know? like. hey are you uhh going to be real and honest with me
i still dont know if he slept with her. all I hear is lies from then on
he comes back over an hour and a half later and cuts himself..... like they werent that deep as he claims... hes crying and im cold, heartless, i let him know that the blame is on him, not me.
all i hear is his incompetent ass being disappointing and pathetic every time i turn around I'm screaming at him,
i work 6 or 7 days a week on 2 jobs and he hadnt had a job for 8 months....... often i come home and nothing is done and there is a new mess to clean up.. he was pretty good at trying to be sorry for sure, i mean sometimes things were done and he usually helped me clean from the moment i got home till i got to relax and go to sleep only to work in the morning again.
I couldnt live like this anymore........
eventually.... it was clear i was not myself. i stopped eating again... i stopped drinking water or showering.. eventually i was so euphoric i was always praising him and telling him how i was always going to love him and that its totally fine dude yeah, I started getting really obsessive about.. aliens and alternate reality and basically it was not a good mental state of mind. I was dimensional...
I was so stressed.... and i ignored it and kept smiling... I started stay up all night just trying to watch him sleep and really it was like 5 days of no sleep, after no vacation from work for probably 4 years.... I started hallucinating... my mental state was so warped that we watched a movie and i couldnt focus on anything.. it was insane i felt like my entire world was being munipulated... I had a really strange phonecall with my mom. I thought everyone was speaking with a hidden agenda that i could read and i would respond with a completely strange off topic response.... I was wathcing him sleep... i couldnt leave the door closed when i could hear things (cats) creeping in the shadows... I actually believe that he could be turning unto worms under the blanket, so i had to keep staring to make sure it was real. My life was real and i still wanted to keep loving it... I tried to lay down but every time i almost fell asleep i felt like he was being to be a vampire and kill me, or my bed would be ripped out into space. I try to calm down and ignore the feeling of the walls pulsating with the sound of ominous trucks driving from a distance. But everytime i felt like the fear and anxiety was just a little too close for comfort i stretched my smile ear to ear and believed with my whole heart that everything was going to be okay, even though I was aware my mental state was so broken I couldn't tell right from wrong. I try to laugh and push homicidal thoughts from my head, thats not good to think about this high...
He wakes up and hes like becca im taking you to the hospital... I cant sleep cause youre watching me all night.
I try to explain that I'm perfectly fine and happy and dandy
Well I went with him happily, smiling, but when he tried to bring me inside the hospital I definitely refused. I said I'll be fine lets just go for a walk... you could help me eat something... he tried to pick me up and bring me in there and the guard stopped him.. he was starting to get in tears cause i was accusing him and i was literally hallucinating, delusional. Everyone thought i was a crackhead or a meth head. The guard calls the police and I'm trying to get away he takes my shoes...
I knew it was a full moon that night.. my mind was a little extra crazy i suppose... and I just wanted the sun to rise enough so i could be there in it... I was fascinated watching the sunrise creep down the building as the events unfold..
I was resisting arrest, they started handcuffing me i kept screaming they couldn't do that.. they didn't have my permission, they have no cause to arrest me, im sober... after i had no control because they handcuffed me and 4 people were carrying me into the hospital, they put me on a bed and started strapping me in, I saw a moment where the cop was going to handcuff my ankle and i booted him so hard he fell back on the table.... My mind entertained the thought that they were reptilian shapeshifters, just peons in the hierarchy of intergalactic monarchy. They didnt understand that i had enough ambition for good things. But I knew they were going to sedate me... I closed my eyes and almost felt like she was stinging me with the reptile's posion... and i let myself fall asleep for the first time in over 5 days... I woke up in a daze several hours later and Chops was there still, and my dad was there... They told me i kicked a cop and i didnt believe them... they kept telling me to sleep but i didnt want to... passed out again..
I soon found myself in lock down, 3 days in a room with nothing but a mattress... I spent a lot of time sleeping, pacing, eventually started doing pushups. Eventually i was allowed on the unit... and i got my own room.. I spent 2 weeks there and i made as many friends as i could, I drew pictures for everyone, and my ex would come in every day...
one day he comes in and he tells me that hes drinking himself to sleep everynight, he woke up that morning and missed having my beautiful face beside him... I was allowed ot go out with him for 2 hours that day and we drove around hung out was well... then i picked up his phone and saw he was texting my friend... he says.. good morning beautiful
DOORSLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU DUDE get all your shit moved out by the time i am out of this hospital SO HELP ME GOD!!!!!
that was September.. they kinda not really diagnosed me but it might have been scitzo-affective bipolar disorder (if you ask me ive just taken too much shit from stupid boys) so let's hope I'm not slowly slipping into schitzophrenia as much (as I'd love to go back to smiling at shadows and reptile aliens then dealing with lieing cheaters...
So they doped me up on 15mg of abilify. I had no emotions anymore, i was fine with, living with him for another 2 months until i moved back with my parents in november. We never officially broke up until after he missed my birthday being in jamacia...
It didnt take long, at all, for him to start following my friend around.
Lets just say he is real sorry. I have nothing but nasty texts for him and he chooses not to block me. I trash him even if it takes all day sometimes. He tried to say he wishes me well.. but honestly HONESTLY COULD I BELIEVE YOU. If he had a clue of what a real man is he would of left on his own so long ago. Should have moved out the day after his birthday, or maybe after he admit he loved her, like i said!!
if he texts me im am sure to give him hell, I am not going to be his plan B!! I am not going to be his friend, clearly, he has no respect for me or my friends.
and now he's dating my friend, I'm sure to let him know it's rebound
he literally took my friend away from me and he has no shame letting HER be the reason why I had to move out of my apartment.........
if he does the same shit to her...
i swear to fucking god...
I'll be joining him in hell...
But I'm sorry, I am not the same little girl anymore. I'm not as sweet as I used to be, infact, I have been given enough reason to turn a total bitch.
im starting this story with my previous ex.
bout 2 years ago me and my bro were dating 2 different guys and the 4 of us decided to move into this apartment i loved it there i enjoyed spending time to keep it clean, but i do no like doing dishes, i had made arrangment to do everyone's laundry instead but plans fell through so there were some arguments tensions were high between me and my ex call him moose, because i can be rude in my tone of voice when i am not trying to be. I'm not insulting or demanding unless i have reason, but sometimes I don't care to be kind.
Eventually it was like screaming matches for no reason i mean i was like 20 he was 18 i thought i helped him out a lot but hey argument peaked when i said "I'll pay you back for my windsheild," to his response "I'd rather smash your windsheild" (trying to be all scarey too) I just was like oh, really? walked away and waited. he just kinda sat on the couch being a grump not talking to me.
and thats when the infj does something called 'door slamming' i mean ive slammed doors in my day but there is a metaphorical door and basically this time the door closed very very slowly and quietly and i decided to consult with my friends online about the situation and yeah, everyone agreed that was pretty fucked up for him to say that. I gave him some quiet time to think about it. an hour or two he did not say a word. Mentally i was packing my things, like retreating so far back. My heart was locked up so tight. And soon as i started talking to him i was like "hey, how is it ever acceptable to smash someone's property?" I didnt get an apology that day so I told him "hey, you have one week. ONE WEEK TO GET ANGER MANAGEMENT DUDE. Just go when you are at school.... But days go by im so tired of this guy. when i close that door i am heartless... He left for school and ditched me with his dog AGAIN and i had to find and pay someone to dog sit within 30 minutes before i went to work. So basically I was like texting him that day "Find yourself a new apartment, get the fuck out, go find yourself a new girlfriend,"
I come home from work like 4 hours later and all his stuff was gone.
I was happy honestly, relief was my first reaction... I was like, good riddance, I called my mom and told her about it.
I would have been fine if my neighbor didn't come out and talk to me and try to say it was all my fault.
I went back in my house started having panic attacks trying to calm down, never thought my nails could be so sharp but my whole legs were messed up when I was going into fetal position. I would have been fine if i didnt start trying to text him of course. I started screaming in my room and sweating and crying saying 'its not my fault', over and over again like the words were going to solidify what i believed to be true. But the infj validates the truth from those around them.
I would have been fine if i didnt grab a knife, and honestly, would have been fine cause I always felt cutting seemed so useless and pointless. Maybe at the time I would take the blame and change it.. I would have been fine with just a cut or two to punish myself i guess. I had convinced so many people not to cut themselves at least a hundred times before, and I knew i was breaking my own morals, not just my skin. I had finally caved and done it myself for the first time. And maybe at that moment I would have let myself lower my standards to all new depths even though the only self harm I've ever done was neglectful eating. It was when i was sitting on the couch, hysterical and decided probably the best thing to do is just cry it out cuts or no cuts i still have just as many problems. I couldnt understand the emotion i felt i looked up and saw my cupboard door, open, and the inside door my friends obituary. Someone who nobody ever got to say goodbye to, killed in a hit and run at 16 just months earlier.
I know you can never blame someone for cutting yourself, and its something you can never take the blame for someone else. I have always felt it is something you simply can't control in a person. I have never acted on the urge to cut again, and i certainly hope my future self wouldn't wish to die for anyone. I hope i'll be strong enough to raise teenagers of my own.
I don't know if he ever said sorry or try to take back what he said. Probably, but I would have had so little respect for him that I would still be mad. His friends texted me threatening to take the doors off my car if i didnt pay him back for the windshield. I said that's funny, he didnt report his credit card missing or stolen but if you look right on the same bank statement like 2 weeks earlier i had helped him make a payment much larger than the windsheild. He literally lived in my neighbours apartment... So basically one day i walk out of my apartment and his friends are there saying theyre going to punch me or something as they go to my parking space only to find my car was in the shop :D trollface!
so literally right outside my door hes having a smoke 5 times a night... Tell me that doesnt give you social anxiety... I tried to take it back and be his friend, told him id take all the blame, but he didn't respond to my text messages anymore. Oh well
I was trying to be happy single, although felt abandoned, for a few more months then I started seeing this guy.. chops
at first there was no promise for relationship i was fine with that but then basically day 1 i stay at his place and i come back everyday for the next 4 months until he moved into my apartment. 2 weeks after moving in he becomes ill and loses his union job welding. I was pretty happy but about 4 months go by and for his birthday i got him a 'birthday present' with me and my friend. it didnt take 3 weeks before he says he loves her........ wtf.
I obviously slammed the door right away. I was freaking out, like dude get a fucking uhaul for real like fucking call your mom get the fuck out of here!
guess
what
he doesnt
he thinks we broke up
we still sleep together COME ON
i come home from work have a shower and hes kissing some OTHER girl on my bed
i was very upset but i didnt get mad, (that trash can have him) i sat down on the bed i was like hey
girl
i want you to look around this apartment
the tv, the ps3, the tables, the dresser the couches.. the dining room set.. the carpets.. the curtains...
are all my things
you
are in my house, not his
I just want you to be straight up with me right now, what is going on
she just has some shit eating grin and says nothing is going on
she actually gives 0 fucks, shes sitting there with a belly top and CLEARLY like 6 months pregnant.
I was like hey, dont you think i should know? like. hey are you uhh going to be real and honest with me
i still dont know if he slept with her. all I hear is lies from then on
he comes back over an hour and a half later and cuts himself..... like they werent that deep as he claims... hes crying and im cold, heartless, i let him know that the blame is on him, not me.
all i hear is his incompetent ass being disappointing and pathetic every time i turn around I'm screaming at him,
i work 6 or 7 days a week on 2 jobs and he hadnt had a job for 8 months....... often i come home and nothing is done and there is a new mess to clean up.. he was pretty good at trying to be sorry for sure, i mean sometimes things were done and he usually helped me clean from the moment i got home till i got to relax and go to sleep only to work in the morning again.
I couldnt live like this anymore........
eventually.... it was clear i was not myself. i stopped eating again... i stopped drinking water or showering.. eventually i was so euphoric i was always praising him and telling him how i was always going to love him and that its totally fine dude yeah, I started getting really obsessive about.. aliens and alternate reality and basically it was not a good mental state of mind. I was dimensional...
I was so stressed.... and i ignored it and kept smiling... I started stay up all night just trying to watch him sleep and really it was like 5 days of no sleep, after no vacation from work for probably 4 years.... I started hallucinating... my mental state was so warped that we watched a movie and i couldnt focus on anything.. it was insane i felt like my entire world was being munipulated... I had a really strange phonecall with my mom. I thought everyone was speaking with a hidden agenda that i could read and i would respond with a completely strange off topic response.... I was wathcing him sleep... i couldnt leave the door closed when i could hear things (cats) creeping in the shadows... I actually believe that he could be turning unto worms under the blanket, so i had to keep staring to make sure it was real. My life was real and i still wanted to keep loving it... I tried to lay down but every time i almost fell asleep i felt like he was being to be a vampire and kill me, or my bed would be ripped out into space. I try to calm down and ignore the feeling of the walls pulsating with the sound of ominous trucks driving from a distance. But everytime i felt like the fear and anxiety was just a little too close for comfort i stretched my smile ear to ear and believed with my whole heart that everything was going to be okay, even though I was aware my mental state was so broken I couldn't tell right from wrong. I try to laugh and push homicidal thoughts from my head, thats not good to think about this high...
He wakes up and hes like becca im taking you to the hospital... I cant sleep cause youre watching me all night.
I try to explain that I'm perfectly fine and happy and dandy
Well I went with him happily, smiling, but when he tried to bring me inside the hospital I definitely refused. I said I'll be fine lets just go for a walk... you could help me eat something... he tried to pick me up and bring me in there and the guard stopped him.. he was starting to get in tears cause i was accusing him and i was literally hallucinating, delusional. Everyone thought i was a crackhead or a meth head. The guard calls the police and I'm trying to get away he takes my shoes...
I knew it was a full moon that night.. my mind was a little extra crazy i suppose... and I just wanted the sun to rise enough so i could be there in it... I was fascinated watching the sunrise creep down the building as the events unfold..
I was resisting arrest, they started handcuffing me i kept screaming they couldn't do that.. they didn't have my permission, they have no cause to arrest me, im sober... after i had no control because they handcuffed me and 4 people were carrying me into the hospital, they put me on a bed and started strapping me in, I saw a moment where the cop was going to handcuff my ankle and i booted him so hard he fell back on the table.... My mind entertained the thought that they were reptilian shapeshifters, just peons in the hierarchy of intergalactic monarchy. They didnt understand that i had enough ambition for good things. But I knew they were going to sedate me... I closed my eyes and almost felt like she was stinging me with the reptile's posion... and i let myself fall asleep for the first time in over 5 days... I woke up in a daze several hours later and Chops was there still, and my dad was there... They told me i kicked a cop and i didnt believe them... they kept telling me to sleep but i didnt want to... passed out again..
I soon found myself in lock down, 3 days in a room with nothing but a mattress... I spent a lot of time sleeping, pacing, eventually started doing pushups. Eventually i was allowed on the unit... and i got my own room.. I spent 2 weeks there and i made as many friends as i could, I drew pictures for everyone, and my ex would come in every day...
one day he comes in and he tells me that hes drinking himself to sleep everynight, he woke up that morning and missed having my beautiful face beside him... I was allowed ot go out with him for 2 hours that day and we drove around hung out was well... then i picked up his phone and saw he was texting my friend... he says.. good morning beautiful
DOORSLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU DUDE get all your shit moved out by the time i am out of this hospital SO HELP ME GOD!!!!!
that was September.. they kinda not really diagnosed me but it might have been scitzo-affective bipolar disorder (if you ask me ive just taken too much shit from stupid boys) so let's hope I'm not slowly slipping into schitzophrenia as much (as I'd love to go back to smiling at shadows and reptile aliens then dealing with lieing cheaters...
So they doped me up on 15mg of abilify. I had no emotions anymore, i was fine with, living with him for another 2 months until i moved back with my parents in november. We never officially broke up until after he missed my birthday being in jamacia...
It didnt take long, at all, for him to start following my friend around.
Lets just say he is real sorry. I have nothing but nasty texts for him and he chooses not to block me. I trash him even if it takes all day sometimes. He tried to say he wishes me well.. but honestly HONESTLY COULD I BELIEVE YOU. If he had a clue of what a real man is he would of left on his own so long ago. Should have moved out the day after his birthday, or maybe after he admit he loved her, like i said!!
if he texts me im am sure to give him hell, I am not going to be his plan B!! I am not going to be his friend, clearly, he has no respect for me or my friends.
and now he's dating my friend, I'm sure to let him know it's rebound
he literally took my friend away from me and he has no shame letting HER be the reason why I had to move out of my apartment.........
if he does the same shit to her...
i swear to fucking god...
I'll be joining him in hell...
So maybe, just maybe, she knew all along and can have that trash.
But that my two cents. And I'm sorry to hear about your misfortunes
and right before she started seeing him she told me her phone was dropped in the toilet and thats why she doesnt talk to me anymore :/ but she did tell me what when i was in the hospital... he tried to kiss her and she was not into it. he followed her around for a few months after i broke up with him and sometimes she would say that he is dumping his problems on her, being like this,...and i told her that is expected, considering i've given him no reason to like me anymore hes going to cry about it to her, because he cant get a life with his own friends he has to take mine.
i will be nobody's second choice.
He could hope one girls trash is another girls treasure, but honestly i thought only a crackhead would pull his ass out of the dumpster i tossed him in :/