May sound like of Kingdom Heart, but it’s just how I feel for a long, long time.

Wow, it really has been a long time I been on here, heck even much longer since my last Journal Entry. Guess it’s mostly because of my daily life, work days getting hard, difficult time writing stories, I rarely even draw, oh how I miss the old days.

Back then, when the first time I started on these kind of sites, I been just an observer. Back then, I didn’t have any friends, any I had from my school days are even rarer. It been such a long time, after such I had basically never saw the ones I trusted ever again, been five-six years I guess. And I mean few, one or two; for any other friends I thought I had were mere stabs in the back, abuse my trust in them, and thus cause me to feel fearful of making new friends.

Many people don’t really know this, than again I guess it’s because I hardly even talk about it, so it’s more of my fault really. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a type of Autism. If you want to learn more on such, look it up on the internet and read the details if you’re curious, or don’t.

Anyways, I had accepted the lifestyle of a loner in the old days, heck I’m still basically a loner now. But after so much thought, well…

Been just an observer on the first site I ever been in, besides such I work my daily life in a library, among the things I love; books, and even draw in my Sketchbook. But on sites like these, I been just a Watcher, never talked to anyone.

Until I finally did made a comment on something, and after a long time of talking, started to develop friendship, and from it I started to feel the connection, talking other people online, like given a chance for something I hadn’t truly experience, friendship.

Back then, the one thing I wanted to do on these sites is to be helpful, help others smile, be happy for things, and heck at times be a little troll with one or two jokes here and there. Heck writing stories is something I love to do, along with drawing of course.

And with RPs, it had gotten even better as well. I was happy throughout that time, good memories.

Nowadays, as I remember, after so much time since the last time I was on here. I was thinking for the past months, thinking hard and deep. Doing so causes blockage to my stories, my drawings, heck even talking to others. Been focus on my work over the months, and eventually, when I tried to make a return…

Like in last April, I wanted to work on the stories I had written, want to see that spark again. Guess in a sense, I was slowly losing that spark, that feeling of happiness and joy. Before even such the last time I tried to make a comeback…

I was scared.

Been gone from sites for days, weeks, months, and when I finally do return online, I grew fearful, fearing of seeing bad comments, heck even saw them in my dreams that would turn into nightmares.

In truth, I don’t really have friends in real life now. Besides work and family…I’m alone, and I will always be alone. And that loneliness I hardly feel at times, either bottled up or be plain forgotten, which isn’t healthy I know, and I likely should ask for help, problem is…whenever I do, I either forget this feeling, and even when I had succeeded in trying to tell my family, they either hear it as mumbling or think I’m just joking.

Sometimes I feel…nothing…

After so much time now, I just feel like a Nobody on these sites, feel like I am worthless. It’s pointless for others to talk to me I guess.

Whenever I talk to others on these sites; just appearing to be strong or still okay, simple friendly comments. Since for people like me, typing comments is a whole lot easier than talking.

But now, as I write this, I can tell I’ll likely forget this journal entry. Or if I do remember it tomorrow, I will be feeling negative thoughts upon seeing what comments I might receive, thus nightmares of fears of being hated by friends on here. Hence why I hardly even do journals I guess.

Now, what was the point of me writing this long journal? Because I felt like doing it, and I feel like crying as I type this whole thing out, and when tomorrow comes I’ll just be my normal, loner self, working at the library till eventually I would get back online and see the comments. I don’t drink alcohol consider I hate those drinks so obviously I’m not drunk for making this entry.

But just saying ‘I felt like it’, just felt it won’t be the correct answer I guess. Like, just simply making a journal entry of your own book of your own life I guess.

Guess now I’m just typing gibberish, might as well get it out of my head and say the reason I felt like typing this journal entry. It’s because something I had watched had basically clicked a switch in my head.
The Final Episode of Red vs Blue.
When Church made that speech before the end of the credits, it had been stuck in my head. Everyone’s life is their own story, like some would read a book of a life of a certain being, like Eragon in Inheritance, Twilight Sparkle in My Little Pony, Frisk in Undertale as well as any main character of any book or movie. The point is, their life is known, and eventually the book would end…

Heh, starting to lose my train of thought, what I’m trying to say, and everyone’s life is like a book. In stories people would read of what the main characters would experience throughout their lives, how their characters are shaped into, and what their ending would be in their story(s).
How I want to explain this is now getting difficult for me, my own thoughts are telling me of how stupid of me for making this journal, wanting me to just stop and forget it, and man how it feels like I should just delete this journal and pretend I never even wrote it, not wanting to waste your time. The moment I do though, just feels like…

Well, whatever I guess. I typed this journal and I will post it. It is your decision to read it if you want to or not, nothing is stopping you. I hope you all have a good day/night now, and if you do make a comment, I will try to reply back sooner.