i'm unfortunately battling myself over suicidal thoughts.
and it's unfortunately something that I can't get help on.
there's too much I have unfinished here, so I can't leave my hometown

I've been trying to distance myself from so much right now
i'm glad people care for me and all, but i'm just broken beyond repair
and I really don't want anyone to miss me if I do go away

i'm a victim of extremely strict parenting by my mother and of mental abuse.
it's unfortunately become something that I require to function as much as I hate it
I hate being told what to do, but i'm scared to do a damn thing for fear of screwing up anymore.

I've fucked up a lot of things to disrepair

I can't draw
can't write
can't even think of any knew cool ideas for stories anymore
can't play music
don't even want to get out of bed ever again

no matter how many people tell me i'm amazing or whatever, my mind doesn't let me be happy because my ideas have always been inferior to my mother. she's the only person I've grown up with since I was like 7(?) cuz my parent's divorced because my mom is a controlling tightass and my dad tended to be lazy a lot.
After growing up with her for so long, my mind is fixed on nothing but approval from her and I know i'll never truly get it because i'm not this little vision she had for me anymore.

I hate religion
I play video games
I play and listen to metal music
i'm an introvert and desire little social interaction outside of the people I know very well
I hate small talk or anything that isn't a detail oriented conversation about a topic

I'm almost literally the exact opposite of her.
Also, how I act and a lot of my personality is derived from my dad, who she absolutely despises, and I remind her too much of him. She hates my dad's side of the family except my dad's dad, because "he's a good man" (he really is, it's just her way of saying she only tolerates him)

she wants me to be successful, but pretty much only on her terms
and it's become so engrained in my mind that no matter what I try to do, if it isn't satisfaction from her, I receive little to no joy from it.
regardless of how much "I" want to get away from it, "inner me" won't allow it.

I could make a masterpiece of something and it sell for millions.
If I didn't get any appreciation from my mom, it would be for nothing.
That's as best an example I can give of the state my mind is broken into now.

and the only way i'll ever escape this wretched nightmare is to be able to prove her wrong. it would break everything she put there in my mind, but i'm so broken that I have zero motivation to even attempt to try
and I have to do it on my own or it won't work.

It's why I'm so determined to be on my own.
back in 2013 when I had my own place with a few friends (while it was chaotic and little ever got accomplished besides playing really loud metal music with my old band) I was free.
I could do and go as I pleased. While I didn't have the money to do everything I wanted, I had the freedom to do anything.
I crave that experience again (albeit without the maddening amount of "parties" we threw. it was dubbed "the party house" between all of my friends)
I could actually do things and be happy to do them.

this is why I stay so distant
why I stay unhappy

my mother means well, but doesn't understand what she is doing is actually very bad and wrong.

and i'm unfortunately caught in an endless loop until I can manage to acquire enough money to live on my own again


(this was in a message to someone and instead of trying to type out a whole journal, I felt better to just post the message instead. there was 2 sentences cut out that were directly for that person regarding something else, but aside from those 2 sentences, this is the response from me)