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Would anybody care if I left you all?
10 years ago
General
Hunting is not a sport. In order for it to be a sport,.. both sites must know they're playing a game!!
I am 51 years old I have struggled with diabetes since I was 15 years old.
I found the fandom in the 90s and it was such a great lift off of my shoulders, it was like being crushed by 1000 pound load and it was lifted off of me the friends that I found and the people I have met, was like the world had opened up and shown its true identity.
Recently I have been diagnosed with depression and have been on one medication but they changed that medication today to a very stronger medication.
Also I have been having feelings that one should not have also some very horrible dreams. Dreams of death and destruction feelings of worthlessness and that it would be better if I was not here anymore, in less someone has felt this then they know what I am talking about.
Being 15 with diabetes your life changes dramatically overnight things that you know you can do now you can't but you try and that is all I have done all my life is try.
I went to trade school I graduated high school and I went back to trade school again just to learn how to work on people's cars, after that I got into machining parts from pieces of iron and aluminum aircraft parts, then went back to trade school again to become a certified machinist and after 15 years of working at a machine shop became head quality control engineer and sold parts to our government.
Now I feel worthless they will no longer let me hold a job at any price point whether it be full-time or part-time are part part-time I cannot work a single hour for any job anywhere or I lose all of my benefits, benefits are $1058.00 a month plus $15 in food stamps that's it folks that's all I can make it unless I do something under the table and if they find out then I will have to pay back what ever they say I have to pay back?
The only thing that is really keeping me here anymore is three cats which I consider the children I never could have, and I imagine most of you may think that is lame but it is all I am staying here for and if I was to leave tonight I have made arrangements for all of them to be taking care of.
I found the fandom in the 90s and it was such a great lift off of my shoulders, it was like being crushed by 1000 pound load and it was lifted off of me the friends that I found and the people I have met, was like the world had opened up and shown its true identity.
Recently I have been diagnosed with depression and have been on one medication but they changed that medication today to a very stronger medication.
Also I have been having feelings that one should not have also some very horrible dreams. Dreams of death and destruction feelings of worthlessness and that it would be better if I was not here anymore, in less someone has felt this then they know what I am talking about.
Being 15 with diabetes your life changes dramatically overnight things that you know you can do now you can't but you try and that is all I have done all my life is try.
I went to trade school I graduated high school and I went back to trade school again just to learn how to work on people's cars, after that I got into machining parts from pieces of iron and aluminum aircraft parts, then went back to trade school again to become a certified machinist and after 15 years of working at a machine shop became head quality control engineer and sold parts to our government.
Now I feel worthless they will no longer let me hold a job at any price point whether it be full-time or part-time are part part-time I cannot work a single hour for any job anywhere or I lose all of my benefits, benefits are $1058.00 a month plus $15 in food stamps that's it folks that's all I can make it unless I do something under the table and if they find out then I will have to pay back what ever they say I have to pay back?
The only thing that is really keeping me here anymore is three cats which I consider the children I never could have, and I imagine most of you may think that is lame but it is all I am staying here for and if I was to leave tonight I have made arrangements for all of them to be taking care of.
Pandr P. Panda
artists you may want to commission
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/revvyrabbit
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/caileran/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/gusjustgus1/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/sergalinu/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/komi/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/benihimeshido/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/wolfpup549/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/prettykitty13/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/thefallenpony/
Personal Quotes
"The difference between good and evil, Depends on which side of the line that you're standing on" form Pandr
"Before man as a species should venture into the stars, They must first learn to live as one people" form Pandr
"The very young do not always do as they are told" form The Nox
"No one person is more valuable than another" form Lady Gaga
artists you may want to commission
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/revvyrabbit
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/caileran/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/gusjustgus1/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/sergalinu/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/komi/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/benihimeshido/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/wolfpup549/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/prettykitty13/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/thefallenpony/
Personal Quotes
"The difference between good and evil, Depends on which side of the line that you're standing on" form Pandr
"Before man as a species should venture into the stars, They must first learn to live as one people" form Pandr
"The very young do not always do as they are told" form The Nox
"No one person is more valuable than another" form Lady Gaga
That said, with what I know of you, I'm certain you would be missed. Could you imagine if I knew you more? Live is precious, and as much as I often have a complete disdain for humanity at times, I still come back to that. I know depression too, but the professionals once told me I channel it into anger and hatred. I've been suicidal before, but now I generally just push everyone away and keep them at arm's length with something sharp.
Either way, depression is a horrible thing. I'm thankful to have found reasons to help keep it at bay, and I do hope you hang in there and find additional reasons for yourself - though having three cats myself... they do keep you centered at times, no? (When they're not taking a dump in the middle of dinner hour or throwing up on your work clothes anyway!)
On second thought, want three more? ;)
I can say I relate to your feelings somewhat.
I think you're an incredible person to be honest, and since we live in the same state, I've been curious to meet you!
You been around the community longer than I have!
I wanna say, please stick around, You do have dear friends who care, and would be very hurt to see you go.
I'm sure your kitties would hate to lose daddy too =c
As a person who struggles with depression myself, I've been through days like this, you sit back and take a look at yourself, You wonder if what you've done is even worth it, you wonder if anyone really cares, or if it's just another passing like.
and then later on you feel better until it happens again.
-hugs you-
This kitten believes in you <3
I know at times life seems to really get you down, and times seem the darkest but that's where friends do make everything brighter and happier.
stick around I know theres an odd one here n there an me im just an average guy on here it would be sad to see you go.
This may be an old journal but the thing of depression never gets old..
You need *BIGGER HUGS* !
Please don't go! I can't speak for others, but I can definitely tell you that I will miss you!
I will never forget the time you left a shout on my main account during the time i was absent on fa..."are you alright Tyrone? "
As a grouchy bear, that one touched my heart!
So I hope that things get better for you *hugs*
I often think of you and I miss your comments!
As you know, I also fight the battle of being diabetic since the age of 18 .Add schizophrenia to the mix and you know a melody other mental problems orbit around that!
Here's another hug for you *hug* !