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Big News
9 years ago
I know that I don't talk a lot about my life because I feel that you guys wouldn't care.
But I feel the need to say you a few things.
So I've been studying English language and civilization at the university for 3 years.
But I started to hate that little by little, to the point that I became anxious about leaving my bed every morning.
The isolation, people ignoring me because "I'm the new weird girl" and the classes I didn't care about.
I ended up hating almost everything about my life and situation.
So I recently told my mom that I couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't bearable for me.
She seemed okay with that at first.
But now that I came back to her house, taking care of my apartment move out and my future plans.
She slowly became horrible with me. Insinuating that I wasted her money and that I should have regret and stuff.
Putting pressure on me every days to take care of papers and stuff for my future studies.
But always saying that she still paid for "everything" during 3 years.
Even if she said she was okay with that.
It's my first school failure and I hate giving up on things and it's a complete an huge defeat for me.
Today, I'm at home like 99% of the time, I have to do everything, chores, laundry and stuff.
I hate that, but I'm okay with it, it's bearable and understandable.
But if I have unfortunately forgot something she didn't talked about, she'd yell at me for sure.
So it added even more pressure to the one I was undergoing.
She recently added that she would stop paying for my horse ridding lessons for some reasons.
(She have the money, it's just that she doesn't want to pay anymore)
And, horses is just my best antidepressants, it's like, the only thing I wait for during the week.
It's what keeps me motivated and a bit happy, it's really something I look forward to every Monday.
Soooo it added even more pressure and stress, again, you see where it's going.
Now, I feel really depressed and worried about my future.
Worried about my studies, worried about money, worried about whether or not I'll be able to live with my mom.
All of that and the fact that I'm an easily stressed person makes me really anxious all the time.
Even at the point that I cried a few days ago during a Skype call with a close friend of I.
And all of my friends know that I almost never cry "in public".
I'm pretty sure that lots of people will skip this journal, probably because it's too long or something.
But I really want to thank every person that will read everything or take their time to leave a comment.
I'm really sorry that you experience same problem with your mom..
It already did got to this point 4y ago and I sincerely don't want to experience that again..
Did you find any solution to get life more comfortable for you when you're with her ?
All I though about was a murder by accident X,D
I'll have a long break from now to September, I hope it's enough to get on my feet.
So I can start the new school year positively..
Thank you for taking some of your time to answer to this journal.
It does help me a little <3
It just seems impossible for her to consider that others have a different way of thinking and stuff.
Getting her to understand something is just so frustrating and worthless
But you know, I'm usually not a talkative person.
I don't like renting with people about my problems.
They are only 2 or 3 of my friends who know everything in details.
Writing this to you guys was like, a big step for me XD