Here's something that I've wanted to say for a while now and although I imagine this isn't the best place to say it (this is, after all, an art gallery and not livejournal) it is the only place I have on hand to say it.

The main crux of the point is that I act like a fool.

In many ways I probubly think much to highly of myself - just as when I was younger I thought way to little of myself. And although I still don't have a high level of self-esteem - I still maintain some pride in a few things that I think I do well.
One of these thing is the ability to communicate.

I'm not Francis Bacon or Gerorge Bernard Shaw and I all too often trip over my own words and have an unsurpassed talent of putting my foot in my mouth - but I always try to make it up.

I at least would like to think that when talking with someone, I can get my point and meaning across in a fair way.

But there are some people who I just can't.

As I've said, I have an unfortunate gift for putting my texual foot in my virtual mouth and it's done me many wrongs - but I can generally go back and at least reapair some of the damage I may have inadvertanly caused and turn an accidental enemy into a friend.
But sometimes I can't.

I said "some people" above, but I really mean just the one.

It's a preson I've known for a fair while and as far as I know we are on good terms (though I behaved embarassingly last we talked). I have the utmost respect for this person on many levels and is someone I would like to know so much better.
But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid because I have fallen for this person hard.

My Bun (who is, no doubt, reading this too) is mine, and I will not leave her - nor do I think she needs to worry. We've become so much a part of one another that I don't think either of us would be ablet to do well without the other, even if 'That Old Flame' doesn't rise so high anymore.

But for this person the flame is still very high. While I hesitate to use the word 'love' - which is a dangerous and frightening word - the desire to use it is certainly there.

But everytime I talk to this person, I make myself a fool. The frustration is terrible. I try to be calm and friendly and complimentary and the more I do, the more I feel like a suck-up. Yet if I apologize for seeming a suck-up, I feel that I'm making myself insecure (which is quite likely true).

I've had a couple young admirers chat with me a time or two and it's pleasent enough. But more often I've seen the kids who follow around certain artists - praising and prancing at their heels like eager puppies.
I've never concidered myself liek that. Yet there I am! Following him and trying desperatly, indeed, pitifully hard to be near him and be liked by him.
And for that I feel like a suck-up and like a little eager puppy begging for attention.

It's a wretched feeling being 'near' someone but always on the fringe. Wanting to be important to someone, but spoiling all your own chances.

I fret and wonder how he thinks of me (this too is an insecure sign). He is someone I deeply respect and if I found that I deeply annoy him or seem pitiable to him - then I would leave him and go my way.
But I don't know, and so I keep trying to master my feelings and be the person I was when we first began chatting - someone that he could respect.

It's been often said that love has a way of turning boys into men and some men back into boys.
This is the first time I've been made a fool by it. It's a wretched feeling and no mistake.

How is it that I can be calm and helpful and a good friend to everyone else I know, but not toward the person that I most want to be a friend with?

D.O.P.R