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PSA: Yogurt addiction
9 years ago
Hello, friends. Today, I'd like to talk to you about an issue that is near and dear to my heart. The issue I'd like to talk about is, indeed, about yogurt addiction.
Yogurt addiction?, you say. What's that? Sounds stupid. Well, young one, I'm here to tell you it's no joke. Allow me to tell you about yogurt addiction, also known as the sweet dairy killer of the supermarket.
Sure, it starts out innocent enough. You and your friends are having fun, drinking Danimals and thinking, "What's the harm in having one more?" But next thing you know, it's 3 a.m. and you're searching for your next creamy fix. Before you know it, you're behind the local supermarket playing high-stakes jacks for just a spoonful of Yoplait from your "dairy daddy". Then, you're dragging yourself into a clinic and begging for some relief, but they only give you a teaspoon of light cream just to get by.
You find yourself at rock-bottom licking pink residue out of an Oikos cup you found in a public trashcan, and you break down and wonder where it all went wrong. One 12-step program later, and you're in front of an auditorium full of middle schoolers tearfully recounting the tale of how you beat a hobo to death for a Gogurt--nay!--half a Gogurt.
You've all seen the PSAs: a father looks under his son's bed and finds a Jimmy Hendrix vinyl and a jumbo tub of Chobani, just as his son walks in from his day at school. the father cries out, "How did you get this? Who taught you how to use this?!" only for the son to blurt out: "You, okay?! I learned about it by watching you!"
Maybe you roll your eyes at such. But let me ask you this: do you know what your teens are doing right now? Surely they're at home, doing their advanced trigonometry homework like good boys and girls. But what if I told you that right now, they're tearing through the house, trying to find their next sweet, creamy fix. They'll check the medicine cabinet, sure, but nothing in those bottles has that fruit-on-the-bottom high they crave so much.
Who knows, maybe they'll try to make their own. If it's such a problem, it must be too easy to acquire. But did you know every 7 out of 10 yogurt labs are so unstable, they explode? About 34 homemade dairy churners light up a quiet suburban neighborhood every month, shattering the peace forever in an eruption of flame and high fructose corn syrup. Is that charred blood on Billy's class ring? Or is it...strawberry?
Friends, speak up if you notice your friends or family members exhibit any of the following symptoms: general lethargy/apathy, a glazed look in the eyes, bits of off-white substance on or around the mouth, an obsession with John Stamos, mild to severe lactose intolerance, or asking about going to the store over and over again. Seek help immediately, and together, we can save your loved ones from the creamy madness. Together, we can put down the spoon for good. Thank you.
Oh, but don't worry about coffee-flavored yogurt; nobody eats that nasty fucking shit anyways.
Yogurt addiction?, you say. What's that? Sounds stupid. Well, young one, I'm here to tell you it's no joke. Allow me to tell you about yogurt addiction, also known as the sweet dairy killer of the supermarket.
Sure, it starts out innocent enough. You and your friends are having fun, drinking Danimals and thinking, "What's the harm in having one more?" But next thing you know, it's 3 a.m. and you're searching for your next creamy fix. Before you know it, you're behind the local supermarket playing high-stakes jacks for just a spoonful of Yoplait from your "dairy daddy". Then, you're dragging yourself into a clinic and begging for some relief, but they only give you a teaspoon of light cream just to get by.
You find yourself at rock-bottom licking pink residue out of an Oikos cup you found in a public trashcan, and you break down and wonder where it all went wrong. One 12-step program later, and you're in front of an auditorium full of middle schoolers tearfully recounting the tale of how you beat a hobo to death for a Gogurt--nay!--half a Gogurt.
You've all seen the PSAs: a father looks under his son's bed and finds a Jimmy Hendrix vinyl and a jumbo tub of Chobani, just as his son walks in from his day at school. the father cries out, "How did you get this? Who taught you how to use this?!" only for the son to blurt out: "You, okay?! I learned about it by watching you!"
Maybe you roll your eyes at such. But let me ask you this: do you know what your teens are doing right now? Surely they're at home, doing their advanced trigonometry homework like good boys and girls. But what if I told you that right now, they're tearing through the house, trying to find their next sweet, creamy fix. They'll check the medicine cabinet, sure, but nothing in those bottles has that fruit-on-the-bottom high they crave so much.
Who knows, maybe they'll try to make their own. If it's such a problem, it must be too easy to acquire. But did you know every 7 out of 10 yogurt labs are so unstable, they explode? About 34 homemade dairy churners light up a quiet suburban neighborhood every month, shattering the peace forever in an eruption of flame and high fructose corn syrup. Is that charred blood on Billy's class ring? Or is it...strawberry?
Friends, speak up if you notice your friends or family members exhibit any of the following symptoms: general lethargy/apathy, a glazed look in the eyes, bits of off-white substance on or around the mouth, an obsession with John Stamos, mild to severe lactose intolerance, or asking about going to the store over and over again. Seek help immediately, and together, we can save your loved ones from the creamy madness. Together, we can put down the spoon for good. Thank you.
Oh, but don't worry about coffee-flavored yogurt; nobody eats that nasty fucking shit anyways.
its appealing