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Life sometimes just sucks.
9 years ago
General
And it's one of those times. I have no particular reason, but I feel angry and empty. If anything, I feel angry at myself, for letting myself get empty. Right now, most thing feel like they suck.
1) Work drains me. Period. I can't explain how much I feel like I need a 40 year vacation, with all expenses paid by someone else. I can't explain just how much I hate the small tiny period before Orthodox Easter, which marks the begining of the hot season for opticians, at least in greece. Lots of sun, means lots of light, which in turn means more people needing shades, which means more people coming in the store to buy things and make the experience as miserable as possible for anyone assisting them. Right now, the family owns a store in one of Greece's few developped shopping districts. We might be seeing 200-300 people everyday. Out of all of them, around 10-15 are actual buyers (at least, from our long year experience in the place). A few people are polite and respectful and it feels amazing to serve them, especially if they value the seller. Some of them are neutral and want to browse without any disturbance (which most times means they want their own peace and we don't pester them) and then... the last ones bring hell worth. I had a brilliant discussion today about why a store can't sell its merchandise at the price it bought it. With a human being. That votes!!!
2) My personal life is in a weird situation. I am thankful I have friends to pass some time and talk and relax at this point, they brighten my day. But other than that, everything feels empty. My hobbies consist of me spending money, wether it's commissions or hard rock collectibles or skins in dota, or even getting food deliveries. Overal, this is costy and kinda feels like a double edge sword. I tried drawing countless times, but sadly in vain, since it just doesn't feel fun at all
3) My knee is injured. Badly. I slipped on wet floor and smashed on the floor with it. It hurts to step on it on the stairs and it hurts amazingly enjoy when I am walking long distances. In 2 days, I have a check up appointment, but there's quite a possibility this will need surgery since all of my symptoms indicate Meniscus damage. Which also mean I can't really go to the gym. I wasn't even allowed to weight lift while seated.
4) For the first time in forever, the fandom irritates me. I can't get my grasp on this feeling at all, but it almost feels as if I want to express this solitude I feel by leaving it. Don't take my word for it, because I am never acting on this feeling, but alot of people had hurt me in just one year in here, even if I keep mostly silent about it. It all starts with Eurofurence and alot of things that happened since, but I really have been hurt way too much by too many unlucky bad timings and coincidences, one after the other.
5) Going back to me, I have been trying to have a diet. I managed to lose 2.5kilos in a month. This feels like it's too slow. It feels like I failed even in this and when I try to overthink it, I actually realise that I have no other reason to lose weight other than looks and feeling comfortable in my body. The first one is needed for my job, the second one I am not sure where I need it at all.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading and sorry for all this ranting in the middle of the night, but I feel like I wanted to put it in words and communicate all this with the world. Everything feels so pointless today, it feels horrible.
1) Work drains me. Period. I can't explain how much I feel like I need a 40 year vacation, with all expenses paid by someone else. I can't explain just how much I hate the small tiny period before Orthodox Easter, which marks the begining of the hot season for opticians, at least in greece. Lots of sun, means lots of light, which in turn means more people needing shades, which means more people coming in the store to buy things and make the experience as miserable as possible for anyone assisting them. Right now, the family owns a store in one of Greece's few developped shopping districts. We might be seeing 200-300 people everyday. Out of all of them, around 10-15 are actual buyers (at least, from our long year experience in the place). A few people are polite and respectful and it feels amazing to serve them, especially if they value the seller. Some of them are neutral and want to browse without any disturbance (which most times means they want their own peace and we don't pester them) and then... the last ones bring hell worth. I had a brilliant discussion today about why a store can't sell its merchandise at the price it bought it. With a human being. That votes!!!
2) My personal life is in a weird situation. I am thankful I have friends to pass some time and talk and relax at this point, they brighten my day. But other than that, everything feels empty. My hobbies consist of me spending money, wether it's commissions or hard rock collectibles or skins in dota, or even getting food deliveries. Overal, this is costy and kinda feels like a double edge sword. I tried drawing countless times, but sadly in vain, since it just doesn't feel fun at all
3) My knee is injured. Badly. I slipped on wet floor and smashed on the floor with it. It hurts to step on it on the stairs and it hurts amazingly enjoy when I am walking long distances. In 2 days, I have a check up appointment, but there's quite a possibility this will need surgery since all of my symptoms indicate Meniscus damage. Which also mean I can't really go to the gym. I wasn't even allowed to weight lift while seated.
4) For the first time in forever, the fandom irritates me. I can't get my grasp on this feeling at all, but it almost feels as if I want to express this solitude I feel by leaving it. Don't take my word for it, because I am never acting on this feeling, but alot of people had hurt me in just one year in here, even if I keep mostly silent about it. It all starts with Eurofurence and alot of things that happened since, but I really have been hurt way too much by too many unlucky bad timings and coincidences, one after the other.
5) Going back to me, I have been trying to have a diet. I managed to lose 2.5kilos in a month. This feels like it's too slow. It feels like I failed even in this and when I try to overthink it, I actually realise that I have no other reason to lose weight other than looks and feeling comfortable in my body. The first one is needed for my job, the second one I am not sure where I need it at all.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading and sorry for all this ranting in the middle of the night, but I feel like I wanted to put it in words and communicate all this with the world. Everything feels so pointless today, it feels horrible.
What is the sum total of doing what we do? I don't know. Money is the driver in all things, and until I buckle down and decide to save, I'm not gonna be out of debt. I'm dying to get out to another convention, see friends, and spend a few days just being in proximity to people I like. I get lonely, even when surrounded by friends, maybe I'm in need of something more.
I know you recently posted a journal talking about dating, and perhaps that's what needs to happen. Where do you start? I already said, but do what you need to do. There comes a point in our lives where all the small priorities, such as finances, health, shelter, and food are taken care of, or are at least in generally good condition enough to be off our minds. Finding a mate is the next step in that, sociologically speaking.
I am positive I will not get a mate anytime soon. Partly because I have decided that I wouldn't want someone to see me as the person I really am. I'd hate to lose and just end up being an insecure puddle of fat and ugly. I already feel like I have failed in that relationship thing, even without trying it. It's the opposite of how good I am at my job. I just take that as a reality