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Damaged Sexuality
9 years ago
Taking a load off.
While considering the possibility of returning to short fiction I’ve spent some time taking stock of what writing I’m most comfortable producing. After some thought it became clear that sex and intimacy are my greatest roadblocks. I don’t consider myself a prude, by any means, but I feel my past has gimped my ability to express those sort of fantasies in writing.
Anyone who read my teenage fiction (and I hope none of you have) would know that this wasn’t always the case. During my high school years I was quite enthused in the production of smut; scribbling out my fantasies openly on the page, then posting them for all to see.
I was in relationship that last six years with a partner who became increasingly abusive in their conduct. Because I aimed to please my partner I never spoke up about how they weren’t taking my needs into consideration. I was trapped beneath the societal construct that the man in a relationship needed to be the provider. As a result, I was a door mat to someone who was becoming steadily less mature and was expecting me to provide everything for them, without ever giving anything back. This is how my ex treated emotions, and how they treated sex. It never mattered to them if I was happy, or was enjoying something, so long as they got their fix. These moments have tainted my ability to self-insert myself in sexual fantasies (because of my ex, the phrase “blow job” remains closely associated with teeth).
2012 it all came to a head and we broke up. Immediately after they ridiculed my sexual performance in a series of nasty Tweets, labeling me: “selfish,” “clueless,” and “incapable.” I’d already felt uncomfortable during sex, with exploits often being driven by what my partner wanted without any regards for my own enjoyment.
After this I essentially divorced myself from producing sexual content and buried my sexuality where no one could hope to reach it. There’s only one problem: I still fantasize about sex. I read porn, think of kinks and characters to engage in them, etc. I just can’t write it. Whenever I try writing erotic or pornographic scenes/shorts I wind up trashing the document two sentences in. I feel like a part of me has set a wall between those fantasizes and my writing.
It probably seems silly to some that I’d be fixated on this. After all, it’s only one form of writing. The point is that I can’t produce this content even when I want to. That’s why I’m frustrated with the situation. How am I expected to have found closure with the past if I can’t return to writing anything I like?
* sigh * This has been an incredibly sensitive topic for me that I’m only now choosing to address openly. I don’t have any idea how to address this problem, or strategies to cope with the anxiety it creates. So, I’m just going to leave things off here.
Anyone who read my teenage fiction (and I hope none of you have) would know that this wasn’t always the case. During my high school years I was quite enthused in the production of smut; scribbling out my fantasies openly on the page, then posting them for all to see.
I was in relationship that last six years with a partner who became increasingly abusive in their conduct. Because I aimed to please my partner I never spoke up about how they weren’t taking my needs into consideration. I was trapped beneath the societal construct that the man in a relationship needed to be the provider. As a result, I was a door mat to someone who was becoming steadily less mature and was expecting me to provide everything for them, without ever giving anything back. This is how my ex treated emotions, and how they treated sex. It never mattered to them if I was happy, or was enjoying something, so long as they got their fix. These moments have tainted my ability to self-insert myself in sexual fantasies (because of my ex, the phrase “blow job” remains closely associated with teeth).
2012 it all came to a head and we broke up. Immediately after they ridiculed my sexual performance in a series of nasty Tweets, labeling me: “selfish,” “clueless,” and “incapable.” I’d already felt uncomfortable during sex, with exploits often being driven by what my partner wanted without any regards for my own enjoyment.
After this I essentially divorced myself from producing sexual content and buried my sexuality where no one could hope to reach it. There’s only one problem: I still fantasize about sex. I read porn, think of kinks and characters to engage in them, etc. I just can’t write it. Whenever I try writing erotic or pornographic scenes/shorts I wind up trashing the document two sentences in. I feel like a part of me has set a wall between those fantasizes and my writing.
It probably seems silly to some that I’d be fixated on this. After all, it’s only one form of writing. The point is that I can’t produce this content even when I want to. That’s why I’m frustrated with the situation. How am I expected to have found closure with the past if I can’t return to writing anything I like?
* sigh * This has been an incredibly sensitive topic for me that I’m only now choosing to address openly. I don’t have any idea how to address this problem, or strategies to cope with the anxiety it creates. So, I’m just going to leave things off here.
