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Heartache
9 years ago
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Hey everybody, I hope you're all having wonderful days and have had a great week so far. You're all very special and important to me because I couldn't have enjoyed this great community without each and every one of you there to show me just how great furries are! That being said, if you're made easily sad I think you might want to splitsville before you go any further in this journal. I've got some kinda heavy jive I need to get of my chest. So I guess that's your warning if you don't want to see me get all emotional.
For those of you reading I don't expect sympathy or attention or anything, I just kind of need to address today because for me April the 15th is a day of mourning and sorrow. Today on this day marks the day that my precious little dog Abby was taken from me twice. Allow me to explain....
Abby was one of my three dogs, and out of all of them she loved me the most out of all of them and everyone kinda joked about it. http://theapprentice225.deviantart......-you-209644039 this is Abby. To this day I still remember my first words to her when I first saw her at the shelter. We had to go get our other dog for the meet and greet and I turned to her as she looks visibly saddened when we were walking away, and I said "Don't worry Abby! I'll be back for you! I promise" as at that time we didn't have Ozzy yet so it was just Max we had to have her meet. I remember when we brought her home she waddled all across the house exploring everything and was so happy to just see what everything was. Every morning she'd jump up onto my bed lick my face until I woke up and my family taught her the trick "Abby, Eat Face!" which basically meant if I was laying down she'd come running at me and lick all over my face. She was so full of love and enjoyed meeting new people and wherever I'd go she'd follow.
Then she started to faint and have difficulty jumping up onto the beds like she normally did. She'd fall off of the back of the couch and cough and hack a lot. So we took her to the doctor's as quickly as we could and learned she had a 5 out of 5 level Heart Murmur. She was a dog that had nothing but love and she was having problems with her heart. The cruelness of that irony was not lost on me. But we made an appointment for her to try to treated as her heart was swelling and beginning to beat irregularly. And the swelling was making her lungs start to flood with fluid. I was right by her side and I did everything I could to make sure she didn't exert herself and wasn't alone.
Then came the 15th. Her appointment was for the 16th. The morning started with me waking from a dead sleep as my mom screamed Abby's name. Apparently she had fainted and dropped behind the back of the couch. I didn't even think before I threw the couch away from the wall, admittedly with my mother still on it because I wasn't thinking very clearly in the heat of the moment. When I got Abby out from the back of the couch she just walked a little then fell down and began peeing and defecating on herself. We washed her up and my parents went to work leaving my sister and I with her. And I did my best, my absolute best to comfort Abby and keep an air of hope in the house since we only had to make it until tomorrow. I told Abby she'd make it and everything would be okay, and I sat her up on my lap and petted her as I loaded up a song for us to listen to which hopefully would lighten the mood and set the tone for the rest of the day. It was this song, this exact video and to this day this song now only brings me grief https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PzL8aL6jtI I know it's sappy but I just wanted to keep people's hope alive. We fed her some table scraps during lunch of Pizza which she really seemed to enjoy and for a time I really thought she'd make it through until tomorrow. Then I heard my sister scream Abby's name in a way I've never heard her scream before and I knew things were going bad.
Abby suffered a heart attack that sent her into a violent fit of convulsions before finally she stopped breathing and remained motionless in the most horrible way I've ever seen a dog twist. Her heart just stopped and the light was gone from her eyes but I didn't even hesitate before I dove down to her side and started giving her chest compressions after untwisting her body. It actually worked and I managed to bring her back to life but she was noticeably unsteady after that and I was starting to come apart at the seams. I called up my now Ex Girlfriend to see if I could maybe recollect myself with a little help from my beloved but she was more or less just kind of indifferent sounding and the most I got out of her was "Well she's okay now." I know she didn't mean it in a disrespectful way or anything, I just don't think she's very good with consoling people.
Knowing I was coming unglued and my sister was pretty badly shaken too I asked her to call dad and tell him to come home, which he did. We gave Abby some room to breathe and she seemed to want to be alone for a few minutes but when I left to use the bathroom she followed after me and the next thing I knew she was pushing the door open to stand by me. Abby was my little girl and she didn't want to be anywhere other than my side! So I stayed with her, and after I was done she had me follow her out to the living room where she got Gij to give her some attention and dad to pet her too before wanting to go outside. I took a short bench and set it out in the yard beside her and for half an hour we just sat there side by side with her looking off into the distance and occasionally up at me. I think she knew she didn't have a lot of time left and it kills me to think that maybe she was sitting there in the breeze thinking that she'd miss it or that she knew "I'm going to die" and there was absolutely nothing we could do to stop it. I still can't believe there are people in the world who think animals are dumb to the point of being unable to think or that it's okay to abuse them. But that I guess is neither here nor there. When she was done with the breeze we came back inside, I used the bathroom and she waited at the door as I washed my hands. I looked over to her and she looked at me and I said "hey Abby" or something like that to her and she just dropped over.
I swear the look on her face haunts me even now because I could see that it was a look meant to say "Goodbye friend." Now of course I dove to her side and was set to try to bring her back again but this time was different. There was this thick brown mucusy water just pouring out of her nose and mouth and it just wouldn't stop! Dad ran over to see me losing my mind and preparing to try to resuscitate her again and told me that it was cruel to keep bringing her back as she was more than visibly in a lot of pain. I was yelling "God no!" and stuff like that and I think it got a bit much for my dad because I know at some point even he had to turn and leave the room for a bit. And trusting him, knowing that whatever this was it was different than the first time I elected to let her go. I pet her and I told her it was okay, and to go into the light, and when it was my time I'd come back for her; that I promised and then she died!! My little Abby died right in front of me! Where I'm sitting right now I can look over my right shoulder and see the carpet where she fell! And the worst part was that when she died she didn't stop moving! She just kept twisting and baring her teeth like she was coughing just without air. You could see it in her eyes she was dead but she just kept moving. While my dad stepped away apparently he had gotten a box and we put her in, got her flowers, and buried her outside of my window so I can still wake up to her in some way every day, but the fact I didn't try again, that "What if it would have worked and she would have made it?" kills me on the inside.
I honestly don't know how to describe a feeling like that, of knowing your hands, your own two god given hands managed to bring someone who loved you without condition and then not knowing if it would have helped that last time. Part of me knows it would have been cruel to keep trying to bring her back over and over with how much pain she was in, but maybe it's just me being selfish or trying to cope with her loss but I still beat myself up for not even trying the second time. And what makes it worse is that this house is a rental. When I move I'm not even going to be able to be near her!! If I would have been the one to die of Congestive Heart Failure I know Abby would have sat there on that spot and stayed by my side. What kind of scumbag does that make me that eventually when we move that's it? Poof, I'm gone like the breeze that she felt before she died? There's a lot of lingering feeling around this and it just makes me feel like some kind of jerk that I could even smile again after she passed away. If it wasn't for Megaplex getting me out of that house and giving me the chance to be merry with such a loving fandom I don't know what I would have done.
But the worst thing. The WORST thing about that was the call I made to my now ex like an hour or so after Abby passed away. You see, she and my sister didn't like one another. They were friends once but after disagreeing one too many times she decided she hated Gij. And during the call she did something unthinkable. My sister was in the room to try to console me because she hadn't been there to see what I saw when X decided to attack Gij using the fact that she wasn't right there in Abby's final moments to insult her. Gij heard her and I told her that Gij could hear her and instead of trying walk back her comment she said GOOD and doubled down. I'm still getting over Abby's death and now I have to deal with that? I don't blame Gij at all for being mad and she didn't let that stop her from trying to make me feel better, but what X said was unforgivable and started one BIG fight. It got so bad that the next day I begged X to say sorry just so I could have my time to grieve for Abby but she found some way to explain the fact she wouldn't so much as talk to my sister directly and I ended up having to write a message pretending to be X in which I said sorry just so the fighting would stop so I could have my time to be quiet and mournful. She robbed my of that, and when I think back to my little Abby the memory is always tarnished with that cheap shot that was never apologized for.
For any of you who MIGHT know who my ex is I'm telling you right now NOT to go after her or say anything to her. It might upset you to read this and it still upsets me too but it's my burden to bear and if you start something with her, that will come back to me and then I'll just have to go through another fight on the first anniversary of her loss too. I don't want to be robbed of this yet too so please, don't say her name, don't find her page, don't do anything to provoke her. If I wanted to start a fight with her I'd do it myself. I just kinda needed to write this and just get my insecurities, my doubts, my sorrow off of my chest and to let all of you know if I'm not around a lot today, this is the reason why. I don't know if I'm going to be able to focus on art or much of anything. Even the sky seems to be in mourning because there isn't even a ray of sunshine breaching the clouds. I'll try to be online though. I don't think it's going to be good for me to be alone today....
Workload:
:COMMISSIONS:
Open
:REQUESTS:
All completed and closed
:GIFT ART:
ocean_liner_orca
friendlywolf
:FOR ME:
Medieval Armor
Doctor Who CyberLeaders redesign
Doctor Who Various Cybermen designs
Doctor Who Silurian Redesign
Chatty Ref
For those of you reading I don't expect sympathy or attention or anything, I just kind of need to address today because for me April the 15th is a day of mourning and sorrow. Today on this day marks the day that my precious little dog Abby was taken from me twice. Allow me to explain....
Abby was one of my three dogs, and out of all of them she loved me the most out of all of them and everyone kinda joked about it. http://theapprentice225.deviantart......-you-209644039 this is Abby. To this day I still remember my first words to her when I first saw her at the shelter. We had to go get our other dog for the meet and greet and I turned to her as she looks visibly saddened when we were walking away, and I said "Don't worry Abby! I'll be back for you! I promise" as at that time we didn't have Ozzy yet so it was just Max we had to have her meet. I remember when we brought her home she waddled all across the house exploring everything and was so happy to just see what everything was. Every morning she'd jump up onto my bed lick my face until I woke up and my family taught her the trick "Abby, Eat Face!" which basically meant if I was laying down she'd come running at me and lick all over my face. She was so full of love and enjoyed meeting new people and wherever I'd go she'd follow.
Then she started to faint and have difficulty jumping up onto the beds like she normally did. She'd fall off of the back of the couch and cough and hack a lot. So we took her to the doctor's as quickly as we could and learned she had a 5 out of 5 level Heart Murmur. She was a dog that had nothing but love and she was having problems with her heart. The cruelness of that irony was not lost on me. But we made an appointment for her to try to treated as her heart was swelling and beginning to beat irregularly. And the swelling was making her lungs start to flood with fluid. I was right by her side and I did everything I could to make sure she didn't exert herself and wasn't alone.
Then came the 15th. Her appointment was for the 16th. The morning started with me waking from a dead sleep as my mom screamed Abby's name. Apparently she had fainted and dropped behind the back of the couch. I didn't even think before I threw the couch away from the wall, admittedly with my mother still on it because I wasn't thinking very clearly in the heat of the moment. When I got Abby out from the back of the couch she just walked a little then fell down and began peeing and defecating on herself. We washed her up and my parents went to work leaving my sister and I with her. And I did my best, my absolute best to comfort Abby and keep an air of hope in the house since we only had to make it until tomorrow. I told Abby she'd make it and everything would be okay, and I sat her up on my lap and petted her as I loaded up a song for us to listen to which hopefully would lighten the mood and set the tone for the rest of the day. It was this song, this exact video and to this day this song now only brings me grief https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PzL8aL6jtI I know it's sappy but I just wanted to keep people's hope alive. We fed her some table scraps during lunch of Pizza which she really seemed to enjoy and for a time I really thought she'd make it through until tomorrow. Then I heard my sister scream Abby's name in a way I've never heard her scream before and I knew things were going bad.
Abby suffered a heart attack that sent her into a violent fit of convulsions before finally she stopped breathing and remained motionless in the most horrible way I've ever seen a dog twist. Her heart just stopped and the light was gone from her eyes but I didn't even hesitate before I dove down to her side and started giving her chest compressions after untwisting her body. It actually worked and I managed to bring her back to life but she was noticeably unsteady after that and I was starting to come apart at the seams. I called up my now Ex Girlfriend to see if I could maybe recollect myself with a little help from my beloved but she was more or less just kind of indifferent sounding and the most I got out of her was "Well she's okay now." I know she didn't mean it in a disrespectful way or anything, I just don't think she's very good with consoling people.
Knowing I was coming unglued and my sister was pretty badly shaken too I asked her to call dad and tell him to come home, which he did. We gave Abby some room to breathe and she seemed to want to be alone for a few minutes but when I left to use the bathroom she followed after me and the next thing I knew she was pushing the door open to stand by me. Abby was my little girl and she didn't want to be anywhere other than my side! So I stayed with her, and after I was done she had me follow her out to the living room where she got Gij to give her some attention and dad to pet her too before wanting to go outside. I took a short bench and set it out in the yard beside her and for half an hour we just sat there side by side with her looking off into the distance and occasionally up at me. I think she knew she didn't have a lot of time left and it kills me to think that maybe she was sitting there in the breeze thinking that she'd miss it or that she knew "I'm going to die" and there was absolutely nothing we could do to stop it. I still can't believe there are people in the world who think animals are dumb to the point of being unable to think or that it's okay to abuse them. But that I guess is neither here nor there. When she was done with the breeze we came back inside, I used the bathroom and she waited at the door as I washed my hands. I looked over to her and she looked at me and I said "hey Abby" or something like that to her and she just dropped over.
I swear the look on her face haunts me even now because I could see that it was a look meant to say "Goodbye friend." Now of course I dove to her side and was set to try to bring her back again but this time was different. There was this thick brown mucusy water just pouring out of her nose and mouth and it just wouldn't stop! Dad ran over to see me losing my mind and preparing to try to resuscitate her again and told me that it was cruel to keep bringing her back as she was more than visibly in a lot of pain. I was yelling "God no!" and stuff like that and I think it got a bit much for my dad because I know at some point even he had to turn and leave the room for a bit. And trusting him, knowing that whatever this was it was different than the first time I elected to let her go. I pet her and I told her it was okay, and to go into the light, and when it was my time I'd come back for her; that I promised and then she died!! My little Abby died right in front of me! Where I'm sitting right now I can look over my right shoulder and see the carpet where she fell! And the worst part was that when she died she didn't stop moving! She just kept twisting and baring her teeth like she was coughing just without air. You could see it in her eyes she was dead but she just kept moving. While my dad stepped away apparently he had gotten a box and we put her in, got her flowers, and buried her outside of my window so I can still wake up to her in some way every day, but the fact I didn't try again, that "What if it would have worked and she would have made it?" kills me on the inside.
I honestly don't know how to describe a feeling like that, of knowing your hands, your own two god given hands managed to bring someone who loved you without condition and then not knowing if it would have helped that last time. Part of me knows it would have been cruel to keep trying to bring her back over and over with how much pain she was in, but maybe it's just me being selfish or trying to cope with her loss but I still beat myself up for not even trying the second time. And what makes it worse is that this house is a rental. When I move I'm not even going to be able to be near her!! If I would have been the one to die of Congestive Heart Failure I know Abby would have sat there on that spot and stayed by my side. What kind of scumbag does that make me that eventually when we move that's it? Poof, I'm gone like the breeze that she felt before she died? There's a lot of lingering feeling around this and it just makes me feel like some kind of jerk that I could even smile again after she passed away. If it wasn't for Megaplex getting me out of that house and giving me the chance to be merry with such a loving fandom I don't know what I would have done.
But the worst thing. The WORST thing about that was the call I made to my now ex like an hour or so after Abby passed away. You see, she and my sister didn't like one another. They were friends once but after disagreeing one too many times she decided she hated Gij. And during the call she did something unthinkable. My sister was in the room to try to console me because she hadn't been there to see what I saw when X decided to attack Gij using the fact that she wasn't right there in Abby's final moments to insult her. Gij heard her and I told her that Gij could hear her and instead of trying walk back her comment she said GOOD and doubled down. I'm still getting over Abby's death and now I have to deal with that? I don't blame Gij at all for being mad and she didn't let that stop her from trying to make me feel better, but what X said was unforgivable and started one BIG fight. It got so bad that the next day I begged X to say sorry just so I could have my time to grieve for Abby but she found some way to explain the fact she wouldn't so much as talk to my sister directly and I ended up having to write a message pretending to be X in which I said sorry just so the fighting would stop so I could have my time to be quiet and mournful. She robbed my of that, and when I think back to my little Abby the memory is always tarnished with that cheap shot that was never apologized for.
For any of you who MIGHT know who my ex is I'm telling you right now NOT to go after her or say anything to her. It might upset you to read this and it still upsets me too but it's my burden to bear and if you start something with her, that will come back to me and then I'll just have to go through another fight on the first anniversary of her loss too. I don't want to be robbed of this yet too so please, don't say her name, don't find her page, don't do anything to provoke her. If I wanted to start a fight with her I'd do it myself. I just kinda needed to write this and just get my insecurities, my doubts, my sorrow off of my chest and to let all of you know if I'm not around a lot today, this is the reason why. I don't know if I'm going to be able to focus on art or much of anything. Even the sky seems to be in mourning because there isn't even a ray of sunshine breaching the clouds. I'll try to be online though. I don't think it's going to be good for me to be alone today....
Workload:
:COMMISSIONS:
Open
:REQUESTS:
All completed and closed
:GIFT ART:
ocean_liner_orca
friendlywolf:FOR ME:
Medieval Armor
Doctor Who CyberLeaders redesign
Doctor Who Various Cybermen designs
Doctor Who Silurian Redesign
Chatty Ref
On the other side - we should hook up at Megaplex and have a coffee...
V.
I look forward to it! I'd love to get to meet you! Thank you.
V.
V.
V.
I read the whole story man, it was a slow as hell day at work and I read the whole thing while sitting on the steps of the Rollin Grocer steps. Nearly teared up when it got to the part of you two sitting in the backyard and her staring off into the distance... really choked me up.
I know it hurts now, but I think even you'll agree that you had a magical opportunity so few dog owners get when their dog dies. You got to have that moment together where you both knew she probably was going to die soon and you two just got to sit there together and enjoy each others company one last time.. almost as if the reaper himself had held off just to give that to you. I don't want to sound like you shouldn't be said, but out of the sadness I want you to realize the good, you understand.
If it makes you feel better, everything about this feels.. ready. Her going just as she sat there and had you look to her and say her name. It just feels like she was like "yes.. right at this moment, me here with him, him calling my name. Something that always made me so happy to hear, that's what I want to go out on.. I'm ready." At least that's how I interpret it.
I feel very sorry that you're going to have to live with that 'what if' question in your heart.. I really do. There's nothing worse then what ifs when it comes to something important like that. I know, my mom still is haunted by the what ifs.. about us leaving Bellingham and all my friends, if she did the right thing. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.. I just wish I knew some magical word to make you not feel that way anymore..
That girlfriend.. I always knew she was scum..
Sorry ^^' I know this was a little rough to read considering I try to keep my account as PG as possible going so far as to not swear which I sometimes have a problem with. I hope it didn't throw off your day or anything! No sense in both of us blubbering! But I won't lie, it was really hard to write this. But again I appreciate all of your sympathies.
Oh no no, don't get me wrong I'm sad and a part of me tries to sometimes put the blame of everything on me like "You liked the Titanic which went down on April the 15th and didn't show enough respect to the people. It's your fault you watched your dog drown helplessly. Now you know what it feels like" but I know not to let my sorrow or weird jumps in logic to further my self judgement let me lose sight of what good came out of this. She could have died right then and there on my floor after the heart attack, but either through grace of god or my own stubbornness I managed to bring her back from the doorstep of death. Not many people can say they saved a life. And from that I was able to have my time with her. That whole situation was giving me my time to say goodbye. After the first time I think everyone knew she wasn't going to make it.
That was beautiful man, thank you. lol she was such a lovable little thing I could tell you stories that would have you in stitches!! And she had this grin she did that could melt even the coldest heart.
True, and I appreciate your sympathy. But I think deep down I'm aware of the fact that it wouldn't have helped, even if I revived her every time she would have went down during the night because I did some research and it takes four months before there's any reduction once starting the medicine. It's just the fact I didn't try that I harshly criticize myself for. And your mother sounds like a wonderful person. Very caring to think of you and her actions so dearly and critically respectively. And again, the fact you're here and we're having this conversation now are all the magic words I need.
lol I remember on DA you two got into fights and there was one where you were going back and forth and the conversation ended with you linking Jar Jar Binks pics back and forth going "How Rood" or something like that.
Last 2 weeks been hell for me cus I lost my 3DS at my morning job and no-one was kind enough to turn it in
And I hope you find it, buying a new one would kind of suck.
And I hope you find it, buying a new one would kind of suck.