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You Can't Always Get What You Want
9 years ago
So, how many of you remember when I was dating my ex?
Well, that relationship was extremely toxic. Everything happened so fast, that I didn't even really have much time to think, and my head was spinning the whole time. Even though it wasn't the longest relationship I've ever had, it is the one that has changed me the most. At first, I resented this fact and cried about it. I became SEVERELY depressed after we split up, it has manifested into crippling anxiety that I am still dealing with and working through. I lost SO MANY people in my life. Due to my social anxiety, depression, irritibility...just a lot of internal issues that stemmed from this. I lost some amazing people who I now accept that I will never get back. Crazy right?
But I wanted to share my turning point with you.
A few weeks after the breakup, during that deep depression, I did everything I could to keep myself distracted, and tethered to reality (yes, it was THAT fucked up). I begged my mom to take me grocery shopping or something with her, because I just couldn't be left alone. She was taking one of her friends somewhere as well, so I was sitting in the back of the car, sulking, and just not really associating with anyone. All of a sudden, the beginning to 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' by the Rolling Stones came on the radio, and for some reason, even though I wasn't paying attention to literally ANYTHING for weeks, I strained to hear every word. It felt...almost divine, as lame as that sounds haha, but I hung on Mick Jagger's words...and as the song picked up, I got this sudden rush of empowerment. I cried in the backseat of the car that day, but it was the first time in weeks where it was an actual GOOD cry. That song came to me at a most crucial point, and it gave me strength.
'You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.'
I held onto these words for dear life...and sure enough, shortly after that, I made one of my best friends, K2, and then after that, Dylan, who I firmly believe is my soulmate. :3
Do I still struggle? Yes, absolutely. It's been a long road. I tried so violently to reject the person I had become after that...but since then, I have leaned to work on my issues. Dylan has been with me every step of the way, and I couldn't ask for a better man. :3
I picked up meditation, become interested in spirituality, expressed myself through my art which I have been SO happy and thankful to get to share with you guys, and learned so much about myself that it's almost scary but...I can honestly say that I love the person that I am now. I could do without the social anxiety part lol, but that's come a long way from how bad it used to be, and getting better every day.
I've seen a lot of journals from people who are struggling with their own depression, and anxiety demons. I just want you guys to know....when you find yourself in your darkest hour, there is ALWAYS something amazing for you right around the corner. Always hang on, and when you find something that gives you even the smallest spark of hope, strength, ambition...whatever...hold it. Hold it fiercely, and have faith. You have to, and then more doors will start opening to you. And as always, if you are someone in need of support, but feel like you have no one, don't hesitate to send me a message here, in my email, or on Skype. You are never alone, and you are absolutely in control of your life, even when it feels completely impossible sometimes. Believe me, I understand that.
Well, that relationship was extremely toxic. Everything happened so fast, that I didn't even really have much time to think, and my head was spinning the whole time. Even though it wasn't the longest relationship I've ever had, it is the one that has changed me the most. At first, I resented this fact and cried about it. I became SEVERELY depressed after we split up, it has manifested into crippling anxiety that I am still dealing with and working through. I lost SO MANY people in my life. Due to my social anxiety, depression, irritibility...just a lot of internal issues that stemmed from this. I lost some amazing people who I now accept that I will never get back. Crazy right?
But I wanted to share my turning point with you.
A few weeks after the breakup, during that deep depression, I did everything I could to keep myself distracted, and tethered to reality (yes, it was THAT fucked up). I begged my mom to take me grocery shopping or something with her, because I just couldn't be left alone. She was taking one of her friends somewhere as well, so I was sitting in the back of the car, sulking, and just not really associating with anyone. All of a sudden, the beginning to 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' by the Rolling Stones came on the radio, and for some reason, even though I wasn't paying attention to literally ANYTHING for weeks, I strained to hear every word. It felt...almost divine, as lame as that sounds haha, but I hung on Mick Jagger's words...and as the song picked up, I got this sudden rush of empowerment. I cried in the backseat of the car that day, but it was the first time in weeks where it was an actual GOOD cry. That song came to me at a most crucial point, and it gave me strength.
'You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.'
I held onto these words for dear life...and sure enough, shortly after that, I made one of my best friends, K2, and then after that, Dylan, who I firmly believe is my soulmate. :3
Do I still struggle? Yes, absolutely. It's been a long road. I tried so violently to reject the person I had become after that...but since then, I have leaned to work on my issues. Dylan has been with me every step of the way, and I couldn't ask for a better man. :3
I picked up meditation, become interested in spirituality, expressed myself through my art which I have been SO happy and thankful to get to share with you guys, and learned so much about myself that it's almost scary but...I can honestly say that I love the person that I am now. I could do without the social anxiety part lol, but that's come a long way from how bad it used to be, and getting better every day.
I've seen a lot of journals from people who are struggling with their own depression, and anxiety demons. I just want you guys to know....when you find yourself in your darkest hour, there is ALWAYS something amazing for you right around the corner. Always hang on, and when you find something that gives you even the smallest spark of hope, strength, ambition...whatever...hold it. Hold it fiercely, and have faith. You have to, and then more doors will start opening to you. And as always, if you are someone in need of support, but feel like you have no one, don't hesitate to send me a message here, in my email, or on Skype. You are never alone, and you are absolutely in control of your life, even when it feels completely impossible sometimes. Believe me, I understand that.
Cheers!
I'm glad things are better for you now, lately I've been okay for the most part, got my parents visiting in less than a week, so hopefully it'll be a fun visit.
Lately I've had a tough time keeping optimistic, though I try not to let it get too bad, but it's tough sometimes. Music helps a lot, though for me it's also my writing inspiration.
You've always been so supportive of me, and I love reading your comments, but I'd love to get to know you better (: