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I need some advice, guys.
9 years ago
I have a friend, somebody I have known for years (I met her when I was still in High School), who is in a bad relationship with an extremely toxic person. Like.. REALLY toxic.
She is utterly miserable, I can just see it. When she was visiting... she was happy. But every time she talked to him on the phone, her mood changed. And every time we mentioned it to her, she made excuses for this guy.
We didn't even want her to go back home with how miserable she clearly was. Talking to her on Skype, I can just SEE it. She's miserable, she's stressed 24/7, lives in a neighborhood that she could get shot just walking out the door. It's extremely dangerous. And even worse, he exposes her to dangerous people and then she just makes excuses and says "Oh it's not that bad" or "It doesn't happen that often!" and her life just... doesn't calm down.
I hate seeing her like this. It pains me to see this moron breaking her down as badly as I was broken down with my ex. And even worse, JUST like me and my ex, she's making excuses for him, blind to it, not seeing at ALL what it is doing to her. Every time I try to help her see it it's just "Oh it's just because of this"
"Oh he's not bad, he just has this problem"
Excuses excuses excuses... and she actually believes these excuses she's making for this guy... He's a DANGER to her. He's an IDIOT. They're always fighting and she's always upset!
"Oh I'm like his good luck charm, I've made his life so much better!"
But what has he done for her? Nothing. He refuses to listen to her, guilt trips her at every turn, refuses to change to become a better person and it's hurting her. How is it that I can see this so clearly, but she's blind to it?
How do I help her? What do I do? How do I help her see this and get her away from that selfish, dangerous, manipulative asshole?
I'm so worried about her.
She is utterly miserable, I can just see it. When she was visiting... she was happy. But every time she talked to him on the phone, her mood changed. And every time we mentioned it to her, she made excuses for this guy.
We didn't even want her to go back home with how miserable she clearly was. Talking to her on Skype, I can just SEE it. She's miserable, she's stressed 24/7, lives in a neighborhood that she could get shot just walking out the door. It's extremely dangerous. And even worse, he exposes her to dangerous people and then she just makes excuses and says "Oh it's not that bad" or "It doesn't happen that often!" and her life just... doesn't calm down.
I hate seeing her like this. It pains me to see this moron breaking her down as badly as I was broken down with my ex. And even worse, JUST like me and my ex, she's making excuses for him, blind to it, not seeing at ALL what it is doing to her. Every time I try to help her see it it's just "Oh it's just because of this"
"Oh he's not bad, he just has this problem"
Excuses excuses excuses... and she actually believes these excuses she's making for this guy... He's a DANGER to her. He's an IDIOT. They're always fighting and she's always upset!
"Oh I'm like his good luck charm, I've made his life so much better!"
But what has he done for her? Nothing. He refuses to listen to her, guilt trips her at every turn, refuses to change to become a better person and it's hurting her. How is it that I can see this so clearly, but she's blind to it?
How do I help her? What do I do? How do I help her see this and get her away from that selfish, dangerous, manipulative asshole?
I'm so worried about her.
Become familiar with "The Cycle of Abuse" and explain it to her, using examples you've witnessed or heard about with her boyfriend. She may act flippant about it, and continue to make excuses, but the idea is to help bring that knowledge to the forefront so that she may be able to more clearly see that her relationship is unhealthy.
Stress to her that while some (or even all) of the excuses she makes for him may be valid, that does not mean she is beholden to him in any way, and does not validate his behavior towards her.
It sucks not being able to be able to easily do something that will immediately help your friend, but by continuing to support and be there for her, you are helping to provide a means for her to get out if she does come to her senses. Remind her that you'll be there if she ever wants to leave him, and that you're there to talk about anything at all.
If talking with her seems to be getting somewhere, imply or straight out ask if she wants to stay with you (if your living situation allows it), or research other places she could stay at. If anything, this will allow her to know that if she does want to leave, or if something major happened that required her to leave asap, she will have a place to stay.
Again, she has to make the decision herself. You CANNOT make it for her, even if it is literally the best option for her. And if she never makes that decision, do not blame yourself or think of "what else could I have done?". She is her own person, and she has to make her own choices.
Best of luck, I hope this is able to resolve in the best way for all you.
I just need to get her to realize what is going on and get out of denial. She has a place to go and the means to get there, right now. I just gotta help her see what's going on. She seems like she's starting to but still... I have to do something. I lost a friend once, because I couldn't do something. My friend Mel killed herself. I can do something about it this time. I can save her.. she just has to listen.
I was exactly where she is now. I was saved from the abuse. I want to save her too.
Hell I'd kill that pathetic piece of shit 'boyfriend' of hers if killing his dumb ass wouldn't land my ass in prison.
Don't try and force her to see things your way though, that may scare her off or become too intimidated/defensive which may impede her progress. Just keep being patient, it will take time and will be a frustrating process to help her see things in a new light.
I am glad that there are people like you in the world who are willing to go this far for their friends, but I can't stress enough that you need to think of yourself in this, as well. Do not become so invested in having her see things your way that you start blaming yourself for her decisions and choices, especially since you have gone through what she is currently experiencing. There is such a thing as taking too much responsibility for something.
I'm not saying that you can't become emotionally entangled in it, or that you should feel guilty for taking on responsibility, but to just be aware of your state of mind and health, and to try to not let your investment in your friends' well-being flare up and go wild when helping her through this. That also may scare her off from accepting help.
If you ever need to vent some or just talk about shit to a stranger you have zero ties to, let me know. Good luck with the plane ticket!